Yup. Takes hard work to get on with life. :-)

I encourage you to plan b your ex to help you move on.

I am also recently divorced. I established "limited contact" with my ex. I have not spoken or seen her since divorce in July.

I also registered at match but Im unwilling to pay their fees. Also I decided after registering that I want to be single for a while. I want to get through my foreclosure and get my career back on track and then approach it. But I am keeping all options open.

I was in a coffee shop the other day and saw an attractive woman teasing a kid and I went over and made a joke. I felt strange and out of place because I haven't flirted for 10 years. That's a long time.

But at this point I could be single and content for ever. Exercise is awesome. You are doing an awesome job of kicking the fat.

But please consider plan B for your own sanity. I am in heaven away from my wife.

Oh and I understand your last statement about its hard to move on.

I've been struggling with that all day today. We will have good days and bad days.

I just replay phrases I learned from AlAnon in my mind on the bad days.
And remember to focus on Myself and my actions. And to not allow fears to cripple me

And good luck with your coffee date !

Thanks HDW, I appreciate it! I'll consider plan b and see if I can make it work with what I have going on with the kids. I "think" that it would be difficult with 50/50 custody as there's a certain amount of schedule juggling that has had to take place with my job. But I'll give it a long hard look because I would definitely like to not have to see/hear the ex for my own piece of mind.

The coffee date went really well; it went from 2pm coffee to an early dinner to a LONG night of just sitting in the restaurant talking. It was very cool and a definite success.

Travis a few posters in plan B set up the google calendar where each parent puts the scheduled events. So no need to have to talk.

Also if you get an IM all correspondence goes through them and it deals with pertinent information. All fluff is left out and you never have to hear the drama because your IM filters it.

It is a dream for having to deal with an ex and children.

Completely missed that I've been divorced for over six months now. Good deal.

Brain - thanks for the suggestions. I may have to give that a whirl.

TC! I'm glad your date went well. I was going to make a couple suggestions because I think you said you were nervous, but I guess you did fine!

Plan B might take a little while to get to but I think all the recommendations are good ones and well meant. I'm 50/50 too, so I get where you're coming from.
I'm at a very limited amount of "contact" which consists of scheduling and anything that might involve kids welfare. For a while there were discussions of how each other was coping and all that -- totally unnecessay and did little to help the recovery. I will admit I've suggested she read some of the same books I have read about parenting - in hopes that we would either have the same philosophy or at least she would understand my approach to things if it came up. It must be so hard for kids to be raised in 2 households.
I digress. I have limited face-to-face contact by not going up to the house to get the kids. I call them and tell them to be ready when I'm on my way. Sometimes that helps.

The Google Calendar didn't work for me although I can see it's usefulness. I just got more screwed up having to go the computer for one more thing. I guess I'm just not into the computer and exww even moreso. We just inform each other with this stuff.

I was going to say you have nothign to worry about with the dating. I believe you'll be highly sought after and a plus to the dating pool. I can just say to have fun and be careful and listen to anything AGG has to say.

opt

I can provide you with templates if you want to go limited Contact with your ex wife.
I use google calendar and there are resources in the plan B thread also

Travis,

Another outstanding book on parenting that I would highly recommend is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - it was truly a blessing for me when I was raising small kids.

A couple of dating thoughts for the-newly-divorced-dad: take your time to heal before getting serious with anyone. I am sensing some issues with the ex (I hate to call them unresolved, but they seem bordering on it) - realize that you are not a healthy partner to anyone until you are truly over the divorce, the ex, etc. Otherwise, you are using the other person as a crutch.

Similarly, realize that at this point, anyone who smiles at you and shows an interest in you will feel like a drink of water to a man dying of thirst. It's all good, but don't let that cloud your judgement... Go slow with anyone, and preferrably have a few dates with different women before getting involved with any of them.

Hope that helps,

AGG

Dr Harley recommends dating at least 30

at least 30 before settling on one to marry, not before getting serious with anyone .

AGG

AGG - I understand the point and I don't know 100% if I'm ready to go with the dating world but I like this one that I'm dating now so... I'm going to see where it goes understanding that I'm going to proceed at a slow bell. I'm relatively cognizant of how I feel and I know what I want; I think I have everything under control but... I guess we'll see. I'll say that I don't plan on diving into anything head first but I have dated a little and I don't want to stop the development of a potential relationship with the Accountant (I guess I'll call her that here) because of an arbirary 30 dates hasn't been met or whether I've reached the place where I know under no uncertain terms that I'm completely over everything pertaining to the divorce. I understand the reason for both though.

Need a suggestion here from the board: does anyone have any really great third date ideas? Second date went really well but I'm kind of drawing a blank on a third. I was thinking about cooking her dinner. Also thought maybe something outdoors like the zoo or a short hike. Thoughts?

Travis

Hi TC, something outdoors sounds good. I have a couple potential dates that may happen soon, and I decided that a weekend daytime activity like a bike ride or hike with the dogs, something like that would be a nice way to get to know someone; having fun doing something you both enjoy.

I don't know why I think this, but an evening date seems like something I want to avoid for a while. Maybe it's the uncertainty of how to end the date. A hug? A kiss? A simple goodnight? A daytime date seems easier to end. Maybe it's just me though, I don't know.

I would think about what you liked about the first two and build on that. Present it to her in that fashion as well -- "I really like talking to you so I was thinking a walk at this park I heard of would be nice."

Or something she's told you that she likes - you could start there. (bike riding, classical music, art museum).

Actually -- art museum is great because there is so much stimulation for talking about things. NG and I had an early date (3rd or 4th I think) at an art museum and had a great time. They usually have a cafe in there to sit and talk also.

NOTE: it's never too early to POJA. Present an idea and ask how she feels about it, have an alternate in mind. That way you can't go wrong...AND you have set the tone for decision making in the future - not one-sided or compromise or "taking turns" more joint decision making.

You'll be fine if you keep it simple and then be open to a little spontenaiety (like a foray into a candy shop, or bakery for a snack, or buying a kite at the local store and flying it for an hour or so).

Just a couple of thoughts for your consideration TC.

opt

I think it really depends on you and her. I like the outdoors, so for me a hike would be a great idea. If she's outdoorsy too, then she will like it too - if not, well then that's a useful piece of information. If you are artsy, then hit the art museum. You get the idea - do something that you really enjoy, it'll be a good test of your compatibility in that arena.

AGG

Hi TC, I had a couple follow-up thoughts on this:

• I'm with you on the 30 dates rule. If you meet someone and feel the chemistry, why would you put that on hold and date 20 or so other people just so you can satisfy a rule of thumb? If you know what you want, and it feels right, go with it. I know others don't agree, but I'm with you on that one TC.
• Regarding being completely over everything pertaining to the divorce, you probably won't ever be completely over it. Feelings will subside, they'll get less and less intense and occur less frequently, but they'll probably never go away completely. That advice from my counselor early in divorce recovery helped me have realistic expectations and helped me move on.

When is your third date? Let us know what you decided to do and how it went. I have a first date with someone tomorrow afternoon; we're taking our dogs for a hike in a state park.

Not to derail Travis' thread, and not to disagree with you KL, but keep in mind that chemistry is a tricky thing. I've felt chemistry many times with women who were wrong for me, just as I developed incredible compatibility with someone with whom I may not have had that strong initial chemistry.

And I agree, if you meet someone, like them, and want to keep seeing them, you should not put that on hold just to satisfy some rule. What I believe is meant by "date a lot of people" is that you can date more than one person at a time, and that way you stay more balanced and more aware of your options. As everyone says, it's like shopping - you can (and should) go out and look at more than one house before you buy one, it gives you better perspective. I know, some people see their first house and say "I love it" and buy it, but the suggested approach is to see several - and if that first one was indeed the best one, well then you'll be that much more sure after you've seen some others.

You do not need to "go steady" after one or two dates. You can meet other people, while still seeing the first one and enjoying her company. There is nothing wrong or immoral about that, assuming that you are just going out on dates and are being honest about the non-exclusivity.

Exclusivity is a form of committment, and should not be rushed into, because if you make that comittment too early and then decide you want out, it gets a bit awkward.

AGG

TC, please let us know if this IS derailing your thread. I value AGG's opinion as he has given me a lot of solid advice, and I wanted to follow up with something he wrote:

Can you give some more details on how that happened? If you didn't feel strong initial chemistry, what kept your interest to the point that you eventually developed incredible compatibility? Also, when you first started dating your now wife, were you dating other women at the same time? If so, what led to an exclusive dating relationship with her? I'm curious about how your example of a successful relationship developed. Thanks!

Derail away, I don't mind at all!

The date went really well. I went with my initial gut instinct and had dinner at my place. I made italian; broke out The Silver Spoon and went to town. Wine, candles, music, etc. It was a really great date because we both relaxed A LOT and got to know each other much better in a comfortable setting. It was a really great time.