And then what next? What if he doesn't reach enthusiasm about what you propose?






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OK, point taken, Mel.

I will do better saying "How would you feel" - it's hard when he doesn't ask me how I would feel.....but I ain't responsible for anyone but MYSELF!

So....telling him how I feel.....what about that?

Zhamila, it sounds to me like your H has become accustomed to not having a voice or any say, and that would make any grown man mad. I do wish you would 'try on' my suggestion of just not offering solutions. For the song, you could just state, "DS wants to play his song, what do you think?" if your H hadn't heard him. I imagine, in the car, he did. So you could just wait for H to respond.

If your son was speaking directly to you, just pass on the request to your H.

If you got into the habit of asking how your H feels, though, he would pick it up and so would your kids.

Z, you�re stating your opinion and not leaving it open for POJA. Saying �I�d rather get them at Walmart� is a statement. You cannot POJA until you start phrasing things as a question to get your spouse�s input. Since you don�t need permission to get them at Walmart, I guess he doesn�t need permission to get them at Target? This isn�t about permission. This is about asking how your spouse feels about things. You say Walmart; he says Target. Now what? We have a bunch of statements leading to a standoff.

Here�s one thing I�ve noticed in the last few posts, you seem very standoffish to those that are pointing out where you might be handling things wrong. You say you will ask him how he feels and start negotiating. Yet you didn�t ask how he felt in those scenarios until after you had decided how things would be done. After you decided how things would be done, then you asked for how he felt. I�m sorry but I wouldn�t feel safe in this type of negotiation because I would feel like my opinion didn�t matter initially and that you had already made up your mind on how things would go down.

We�re offering you tools that have made those of us with marriages in your same boat into marriages that are absolutely wonderful.

Yeah, my H had a bad habit of that, making a unilateral decision and then getting mad if I didn't agree with it. He was coached into discussing things with me FIRST, and not making decisions until after that discussion. Sounds like Z is doing the same thing.

I think Dr. H and Joyce would get a kick out of knowing they couldn't even negotiate buying a notebook, much less use it as instructed.

Zhamila, I think if you stopped making unilateral decisions, you would find you get much of what you desire anyway and a stress-free loving relationship to boot. Just TRY IT!

If you would have said this to me, I would have gone balls up ballistic, Z. It felt like you were telling him what the decision WAS and I can see he took it that way too. Your H has a problem hearing your POV because of the way you frame things with him. Adults don't like being told what to do and that is what it felt like.

THAT is where I would focus. If you can express your POV differently and continually assure him that no decision will be made without mutual enthusiasm he may calm down.

He is not used to not getting his way all the time and I fully understand his frustration! People like us need a little more work!

By saying "How do you feel about ..." you ARE telling him about your feelings. You are expressing your desire and opening it up to negotiation at the same time.

Markos used to word things like you do all the time. I sympathize with your husband here -- by expressing your desires as a statement rather than asking how he would feel about doing what you prefer, you are coming across as telling him what to do and shutting down negotiation. Even if you really intend to negotiate!

Words mean things, and how we use them is important. Practice "How would you feel ..." until it is just rolls off your tongue naturally, without second thought.

I have been thinking about this, and maybe the best way to resolve issues like this is to tell him what bothers you about the purchase of notebooks instead of jumping to your solution.

For example, if the issue is that they are priced too high, you could start from there and then brainstorm solutions together. Going to Walmart would be one of many possible solutions.

In other words, instead of offering a solution, explain your issue with the current scenario. That way, he feels he is IN ON the search for solutions.

How?

What does he think about this idea?

What kind of mail do you get? I never get scanty female junk mail. I get pizza coupons and adverts for duct cleaning and siding.

The raciest thing we get is the JC Penney catalogue with underwear models.... What are you getting, Z?

Yeah but JC Pennys doesn't even have sexy underwear, so it doesn't count. JK. I actually can't even remember the last time I got a JC Penny or a Sears catalogue.

The raciest thing we've gotten was the Ikea catalog with the greyhound on the sofa, looked like the dog had an extremely large appendage. Lol.

you are so bad!!

One suggestion along these lines might be: "I think we can get these cheaper at Wal-Mart. How would you feel about that?"

(Ask these folks for feedback on that, though. As Prisca has already noted, I'm pretty bad about wording these things in a way that I think is a request but comes off as "telling how it's going to be." I absolutely would've taken your original comment, "I want to get them at Wal-Mart," as an invitation to express my opinion and negotiate, but that wording would've been a demand if I'd said the same thing to Prisca.)

If I told my H I wanted to get them at walmart, he would take that as a done deal and say nothing. But he also takes, "What do you think about hitting the coast for a couple of days next month?" as a demand that he can't refuse, and at this point, that's his problem. If he's going to be yes man and doesn't like it, his problem! He can do something about it or not.

One of the reasons I suggest Z stop coming up with solutions. Or suggestions. Next time I have a coastal hankering I'll just say, "I miss the ocean. I really like the coast." lol. Lesson learned!

Markos, I think your statement is fine, but that's me. My H, otoh, would take it as me saying he was a sloppy shopper because if he was better at it, he would know they were cheaper at WalMart and wouldn't be wasting my time at Target, which would translate into "You're stupid, lazy, and incompetent," which is totally his problem and has nothing to do with my asking his thoughts.

You'd think these people would be impossible to live with, but they're not. They're just difficult to deal with when the solution isn't their own, and if a patient person can wait for it, it usually works out. I thought my husband was heartless, but it turns out he just doesn't like being told what to do. He'll come up with very workable solutions on his own when I do what SH told me to, stop offering solutions and wait for him to catch up.

Z's husband sounds like one of those guys. He'll accomodate happily, but resents feeling like he has to or else. Even if the 'or else' is not apparent. She does punish by sleeping away. Z, you have to stop punishing.

OK, I'm hearing all this feedback & will make sure I always ask him how he'd feel.

So, what if he's in the process of IB'ing? In that case, I'd rather say "I'm not enthusiastic about that."

Remove "I'd rather..." from your vocabulary, Z.

Just strike it.

Short bus MB, lol. In order to reach agreements, you are going to have to remove your rather's. Once you have a rather in mind, you don't negotiate.

I get the feeling you would rather have autonomy than be married. Or at least, that's what you think you'd rather. But your history says different. You'd rather be married with autonomy. You can't have both. So which would you rather?