Oh Car, my dear friend, I'm so sorry.

YES and yes you can have withdrawals from sleep meds, especially if they are the brands that have any kind of AD in them. My H has many sleep aids and we learned the hard way about this.

Please go to your doctor and either lower your dose before coming straight off them. Meds can have different effects on people.

Mood swings and the stress you're under sound to me like a huge collision.

Please take care of yourself.

Car, I am sorry that you have been experiencing a low point. I don't know about the sleep meds, but I do know about PB.

There are low points in PB. They kinda seem to hit you outta nowhere. And sometimes, you even get through a particular even that you may believe will trigger you, only to find something else does.

I am quite certain that you are getting triggered by this pregnant co-worker, and your thoughts are tied with OC. It would be especially difficult because you yourself wanted a child so badly, and haven't been blessed with one, and now you almost feel cheated(or at least I would if I were in your position).

I think if I were to find out about an OC or an engagement(still don't understand how AP's think they can get engaged to someone while they are still married )I would get triggered.

There are feelings and thoughts that you will still need to get out of the way. I am often reminded of the song my children used to sing, "...Can't go under it, can't go over it, gotta go through it...." That's what happens sometimes. THing is, with you being in the safety of Plan B, you realise exactly how well it was working, and where you want to be again. It's not about how you feel in the moment, but what you are going to do about it. Get through this, and get yourself back to the safety of PB.

Even with plan B......there is no avoiding.......being human.

And, you are.

(((HUGS)))

Caracal!!! Be well!!!

Sorry honey. The low points really do just arrive from nowhere and from triggers you just cant control.

I've just come out of a three week one (like you, after months of fine) and sleep was rubbish throughout. I feel even better than ever, now though. That is the pay off I suppose.

Sorry hon!

I try to re-attach triggers to new positive memories. There's a certain song that reminds me of Softlad whenever it comes on the radio so me and my girlfriends made a point of singing it really badly and out of tune on the way home from the pub. Now it reminds me of them and not him.

I don't know how to reassign this trigger though! Are you close to her?

Thank you all for your concern. Reading your posts helps me deal with the low.

I'm a week into the low. The sleeping meds were simple over the counter variety, but I definitely think they have helped with my mood. Without them I am swinging wildly.

Indie, I haven't come up with any way to deal with the trigger of my pregnant colleague. She goes on maternity leave mid-September. Ironically, her H's name is the same as Gollum's IRL. She keeps chattering on about H and the baby, glowing and happy. I am trying to keep contact to a minimum even though the poor woman is really lovely.

Scotland, you are bang on the money when you say I feel cheated. I'm glad someone else understands, as IRL I just don't talk about it. I do feel like OW has stolen my life in a sense.

I think she has had the baby. 12 months in Plan B, and Gollum is probably a daddy.

I am dreaming a lot and think the sleeping meds may have restricted my dreaming. I am making up for it now. A really weird one that Freud would have a field day with. Gollum and I are on holiday, and I am driving along but the brakes won't work. I am anxious as I can't slow down, and when I swerve to avoid a person we end up in a lake. We both make it to shore safely, but when I want to try to get the car out, Gollum can't be bothered. Nor did he want to file an insurance claim. So I went about trying to organise both.

I guess I just have to ride this low out.

I have booked a weekend in the city with a friend this weekend, and we are going out for a fancy meal. Also getting a two-hour Japanese massage. Scotty, I keep chanting to myself now "just gotta get through it". A massage and friend should help.

Caracal, sorry you're having to go through that agony of feeling the alternate existence gollum has. It is certainly weird how these waywards just go about their lives. But they are split in two as well...and scarred forever.

Are you still listening to MB radio? It helps me a lot, even though it also includes some triggering things. But it helps me to keep thinking of my high bar.

How's the house planning going? You've made so many amazing strides in the last year towards building your own life...treasure your successes!

Massage and friend definitely sound in order. Peace to you!

(oh, and re-reading your message above...sometimes stopping a sleeping pill can cause a withdrawal, it would be worth looking into to see if there is a slower process to get off of it. And I hear you on the dreams...part of me loves vivid dreams and part of me dreads them, because while it is a bit of cake eating for me, it is also a dreadful reminder of what isn't. And dreams are sadly uncontrollable.)

Most over the counter pills are for 2 weeks without doctors approval

Sorry about this down you are going through ,I am sure it's normal and natural, and will pass in time
Yeah dreams sure are just simply wonderful to put it mildly, sometimes.

Hang in there girl

It's an uphill part of the mountain climb so steep it's vertical. I promise you you will look back with pride one day on how well you endured this stage.

I remember some very horrible dreams shortly after my wifes death. Vivid and nightmares accually. Of course being a guy maybe accustomed to being gaslighted for years, and coming to terms with it all at once...

But that still didn't take away how terrible they felt.

Dreams are a way to process emotions we have in our minds anyways, as uncomfortable as they are, they help us to deal with the issues effecting us emotionally

Yes those issues are important ones too, and they will pass also in time

Be very good to yourself always ok?

You're right HDW. I certainly don't advocate doing what I did. The pills the doctor prescribed me weren't as effective (and oddly seemed to make me more emotional), so I used over the counters on weeknights to help me get through work.

I figure 12 months of this is enough. I don't want to keep putting my health at risk.

Thanks Jen. I worry my strides aren't fast enough, but at least I can now plan something. I remember after D Day, it took me months to be able to think about anything the next day, let alone building a house that takes months!

I settle on the land tomorrow. As of 2:30pm tomorrow (Aus time) I will own land

Thanks for the encouragement indie.

The dreams have interested me with the psychology behind it. I can really see my subconscious talking to me, processing things.

But they do feel terrible. I am not a violent person, not since I outgrew the sibling rivalry with my brother lol. I have had a nightmare a couple of times where I saw pregnant OW, and started slapping her. I can't stop, don't even think about stopping. Then the OW morphs into a toddler (OC) and I still keep on slapping.

I wake up feeling awful. Even the nightmare me feels awful but doesn't stop.

It's the pressure and stress

I remember having violent dreams toward my brother in law when I didn't even have a violent thought towards him years ago

He was just a teenager who stayed at my house and I was a young father, supervisor, and really stressed out at work at 22

One day I got upset at him because of his acting out and because he was smoking weed, but even though I never was violent, and always treated him like a father,(His dad had died a couple years before), I had a dream one night of hurting him too.

When things get out of control, and inside we think that people are responsible, these dreams can happen

Strangely the dreams following my wives death were all mixed up with drug addiction, having sex with my first wife, dragon tattoos and everything nasty and out of control. Of course this stuff never happened or had any Chavez of happening either time. I was not gonna beat my poor young brother in law, or have sex with my first wife like a controlled druggie lol

I laugh now but at the time woke up scared. It will pass caracal I promise.

I am not a physiologist but have picked up what I know from study, and do believe and understand that the mind goes through stages of acceptance and dealing with these issues.
Dreams are part of dealing with them, that's all they are.

But they better stay away from you when they have hurt you like they did. You will heal in time. Been over two years since my nightmares ended now

This place has helped me heal, and understand it takes time, to do it right, and not try to bury the feelings, but to recognize them and bring them to the light

Thier our emotions dammit, and emotions don't think, but we do

I've settled on the land, and am now a proud property owner. There was a last minute panic, where the broker contacted me saying money was missing from my account. I immediately thought Gollum had somehow sabotaged me. But the money had already transferred, so my anxiety was for nothing.

My reaction shows me how I view Gollum though.

I had some lovely moments this weekend. Spending time with my friend, a massage, long lunches and Saturday night on the couch with the girls in our pj's, drinking champers. Lovely.

And I watched The Hunger Games today... loved it. I've really got to get the books and rediscover my passion for reading.

I am busy trying to process some things about my marriage, divorce and Gollum. That is what this weekend was also partly about. Talking to my friend who knew us both well during our courting days, although little contact with us in the past six years. This friend has survived an affair (albeit ending in divorce). I wanted to bounce some ideas out about filing myself.

Well, there were Plan B cracks. This friend (my maid of honour) told me she sent Gollum an email recently. I didn't ask what about. I should have stopped her there. She told me she wanted to tell me so I didn't find out later and think she had gone behind my back.

Gollum rang her this week. Again, I should have stopped her there. Poor willpower on my part.

MOH couldn't believe he rang her, and said she does not know why he did. The summary of it was he is still very foggy, seems to attribute "the scandal" (his words) to me, his skank is due in five weeks, and he desperately wants to be back in Aus. He lost his job, was out of work for several months, is struggling financially and is now unhappy working on a farm in the countryside. MOH described him as sounding miserable, old and broken. Even when she asked if he was excited about the OC... he hesitated, waffled and agreed. She said despite his justifications, she heard shame and no pride.

Oh, and he wants "Caracal to be happy".

Do I believe all of this? No. I suspect that Gollum is trying to get me to call off the lawyer action.

But there is still a part of me that worries for him. At the same time, part of me also rejoices that waywardville is not the roses and unicorns he planned. The sacrifices he has made are huge. I think rock bottom is a long way off, but I hope one day he will become the man he could be.

I feel very sad for who he is and the path he has chosen. I am really starting to see his affair is doomed. Its just a matter of when.

Yes it so sad what they do to themselves, as you watch and can do nothing to stop it
It's a kind of madness that they seem addicted to, like they can't help it, when they themselves caused it.

Glad for you and your home, and I am sure you will find peace there, as your new life takes off

Sorry for the plan B contact, it has made you sad of course, but better days are ahead, it will come

Yeah, the longer the affair, the more I can see the addiction of it. Gollum has been sacked for the first time in his life by a boss that always welcomed him back during our marriage. He has been evicted for the first time in his life. Part of his blameshifting during Plan A was about me "forcing" him to return to a country he did not want to live in, to a job he did not want to go to. And yet now, he is in the same situation, just the players have changed. With more problems, more drama than originally.

I know better days are ahead for me, providing I keep working at recovery.

Thanks for the kind thoughts CP.

Car,

I thought of you when I heard this clip. It's the second question. Dr. Harley tells the BW what is good for you right now. Even if the WH was to come back. Tell me what you think.
Radio clip

Thanks for posting that BH.

There is a lot of truth there. Where do I start?

The way Gollum ended our marriage, by text message of all things. I even commented to family, it was like we were high-schoolers just dating a few weeks, not having been in a relationship half of our lives. I initially hoped he would pull his head out of his butt because he had only known Horse Ho for 2 months when we separated. I hoped she would become his worst nightmare, although clearly she is a better manipulator than I anticipated.

But what stood out to me the most (and why I think you posted it to me O wise librarian )... The questions Dr H asks about "is it logical" for the BW to attempt recovery?

Gollum is not particularly good-looking.

He is not and never was well-off. I have been the higher income earner for much of our marriage.

We do not have children together.

All we have is history and I have a lot of memories of a good marriage, we were best friends. Were. History. He is not the man he once was.

There is no logical reason for me to attempt marital recovery even if asked. In fact, with Gollum having less money due to the A and now OC, it would be nuts for me to agree to marital recovery.

Feelings are not logical. My feelings for wanting to save a marriage with the man he has become are as illogical as they get. The work required and the pain involved to do so would not be a logical decision for me to make.

And yet I seem to keep coming back to the question... why do I hesitate in filing for D?

Should I just take action and do it? Will the feelings eventually follow the action?

Oh wow, I really do sound