I'm new to this site, but was recommended to it. I'm not sure what to say, I'm just lost at the moment.

I found out a month ago my wife of 12 years (been together for 18) was having an affair with my best friend of 10 years. Since that time, things have gone downhill for me and my family (two kids 9 &4).

I'm being told every hateful thing in the book. I'm not worth anything, the last 12 years were a joke, sex was a joke, I hate you, you can't have me, quit trying, I don't want this, etc.

I've read the book, "Surviving an Affair." I have since found out that my wife and my friend are no longer talking (just not 100% sure if its done) but she has since moved onto talking with old high school guy friends. Once of which, I felt was getting a bit too close.

I have since contacted everyone in the logs on her cell phone bill and have met two of them face to face (old friends of mine as well).

The problem that I'm having now is that she is attached to her phone and will not let it out of her sight. She's started using Yahoo IM, scrabble chat, and even has a new email address that she uses.

I have since locked the computer here at the house giving her no way to access it. I have secured the bank accounts and past due bills I was not aware of. I have canceled the credit cards, most of which were in my name anyway.

I'm starting on changing me. I worked from home (self-employed) and traveled quite a bit for my career. I know I have neglected my wife by working like I have. I know I have neglected my kids by working like I have. I'm working on changing that. I'm spending more time with the kids and at home then ever before. Everything has been dropped (wife was a stay at home mom). Bills, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, kids, etc. I've had to pick up all those pieces and continue to have an income (which hasn't been able to work).

My wife, I feel is emotionally broken. She is willing to give me 100% custody of the kids if I will just go to the attorney and file the paperwork (which I won't because I still love her tremendously). I'm willing to do whatever it takes for however long to try and make things work. I know I've neglected my family, I want to change that. She keeps telling me that "I don't think you will change." "I don't think it will ever work again." "I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere.".

See our problem has been us doing our own things. I've worked my entire life to provide for my family and to give them everything they need / want. (First mistake I now see). Her problem is that she always maintained the house and never asked for help. So now that we are at this point, I'm asking to try "Together" and give it a shot. We have two kids to consider and 18 years worth of a relationship. It would be stupid not to. The answer I get? Its my fault and I just want to be done with you. I want out.

My breaking point after a month was Saturday night. After coming home and seeing the newly purchased flowers I set on the counter was thrown all over the kitchen and dining room (kids seeing that as well) I told her I was through. We either go to counseling or I'm going to the attorney and going to attempt to get 100% of everything and she can have her out.

After must arguing, she grudgingly agreed to the counseling. I know she isn't going to accept it or make an effort and that she is just gonna count down the days until its over for her to get her way.

At this point, I'm not sure where to turn or what I can do. I'm doing my best to provide a safe, happy, and loving household for my family. Hurtful words directed at me finally broke me Saturday night. And now I feel like crap.....

FLDad, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here. But we can help.

First thing we need to know: Is OM married? Do you own your home? Does your wife work?

If your wife is willing to give you custody of the kids I think you should do so.
Place their interEsts above your wife.
The mere fact she offered you custody shows she will soon be a walk away mom. Do it now before she gets smart enough to fight for the kids for child suppor money.

Since your thread concerns adultery / affairs I will ask the mods to move your thread to Surviving an Affair

I have kids ages 9,8,5 and have full custody.
Like yourself I was a self employed man.
My wife was stay at home.
Like your wife, mine had an affair. Possibly more than one. She proposed everything from open marriage to divorcing and living as roommates.

Like yourself I found this forum. Prior to finding the forum I read Surviving An Affair by Dr Bill Harley. The book explains how affairs start and how they die.
I started Plan A and literally bent over backwards for my selfish cheating wife. During this time I was so focused on my marriage and trying to control what happened that I neglected proper loving of my children. The house bacame a pigstye because my wife quit caring about her responsibilities as a mother and wife. I became broke.

In the end she left our family and I now have custody of my children. We are divorced and I have nothing to do with her.

I tell you this because I want you to know that I've been there. Everyone in this forum has one way or another.
But when a mom offers to give custody away without a fight, I think that is a RED flag and shows a very uncaring attitude. That is why I think you should focus on the kids. Be a solid rock for them as their mom acts irresponsibly and selfish.

Again I would encourage you to file for divorce and full custody. She may be so "in love" with her affair partner or the idea of "freedom" that she will not fight you at the beginning stages.

Aside from the infidelity is there any skeletons in the closet? If so what?

FlDad, before you jump to divorce there are alot of things you can try to wake her up. The first one being exposure. Is the OM married? Please read the thread in my signature and come back and talk to us about exposure.

First questions.. the OM is not married. He is 32 years old and was my best friend for the last 10 years. He was my gym partner and friend. He came over to the house regularly and hung out before we left for the gym. He was on my Ipad, computer, and played with my kids.

He has lived with his parents up until this last year when he and him mom had a massive fight (he was abused growing up) to which he moved in with his girlfriend. They have been dating for the last 3 years. That is how I actually found out, was through his girlfriend. I was on my way to Miami for an event for work and was stayed over in Melborne. I got a call at 3:00AM from her and was advised of the emails, videos, and texts. Naturally, I called my wife to discuss and all I got was empty silence. I knew then it was true and made my drive back home.

I called him and talked to him two or three times and get the same thing. "It's over, give it up, and move on."

I've talked to his girlfriend quite a few times on Facebook and over the phone. She still loves him, wants him back, and wants to believe what he says. I know he is a compulsive liar and will do anything to get her back as well.

The problem that I am facing now is that my WS has been meeting up and talking to old friends from High School. All guys naturally. I've face to face talked to two of them and think that curtailed a bit. There is still one of the two that I'm not sure has quit talking to her.

I'm fighting an internal struggle with my religion and the outlines faced here and in the book. Part of me wants to "let go and let God" and part of me wants to control everything. That has been a problem for me is relinquishing control. I've had to have control for the last 20 years with my career, house, bills, and the like. I see both sides of the coin and and struggling daily with what to do.

My biggest issue at the moment is her phone. She is controlled by it and will not let go for more than 2 minutes. When she is "watching" the kids, she is on the phone. All night / all day.

I own my own home, but have an equity loan that was done last year to pay down some bills.

My wife recently started working (two weeks ago) but is only doing so 2 days a week. The drive is about 1:15 from our house.

And a little background on me. I had an affair back in 2008 that almost destroyed my marriage. I begged her to divorce me at that time and she wouldn't. She fought tooth and nail for me. Emails, texts, calls, everything in her power.

I eventually saw the errors of my ways and came back home and started working on our marriage. Events afterwards dictated I go back on the road and work as hard as I could to prevent falling victim to bankruptcy.

The difference between my affair and hers, what that the person I was with was out of State over 1,100 miles away. Her's was here local.

I'm attempting to do the same things she did to me. I'm fighting tooth and nail for her. Doing everything I can and it will all met with great resistance. The language that she uses towards me never has been that way. The hurtful things are getting unbearable.

Have you exposed her affair?

Exposure 101

I would give this M every attempt to recover before throwing in the towel.

Your WW is getting her fix from OM, when one A ended, another began, whether PA or EA, it's all the same. She doesn't want you to see her cell phone because she has something to hide. You can install keyloggers, GPS, cut off her cell phone, (but she'd probably just get a secret one to replace it).

Have you read up on plan A? And yes, you need to expose. Don't do a partial exposure, and don't worry about her wrath, she'll get over it.

Read up on LoveBusters too...avoid name calling, getting angry, etc. Keep in mind your GOAL, which is to save your M. The plan is simple, to make yourself attractive to her inside/out so she will want to be with you, and meet her needs, help her fall in love with you again, while avoiding things that detract from your appeal in her estimation.

Both of you will need to learn boundaries, protecting your M, POJA in order to have the M you've always wanted. There is a lot to learn on this site, a lot to read!