Hello,

It's been a looooong time since I've posted. I am the BS, and my H ended his affair almost 2 years ago (will be in November). Things are going really well for us ... except in the sexual intimacy department. MB was incredibly helpful--really a lifeline--in the aftermath of the affair, and I was hoping to tap into this wisdom again at this stage.

The issue is, I am not sexually attracted to my husband, nor do I have much of a libido when it comes to him--this predates the affair. I was a "willing" partner, but never the "wanting" partner.

The affair made this situation much worse. Sex became very much a trigger. We did not have sex before marriage, and the talk about how special, bonding, and important sex is is a message that has become a double-edged sword... since I couldn't stop imagining this occurring with my H and someone else.

I have found therapy very helpful, and time, and my H has been a model post A husband (as much as possible), but I feel like we are now reentering familiar territory.

Some questions that I'd love some honest insight into:

1-How important is the sex relationship, the frequency, mutual desire? I know what my husband would like it to be with me. I know what I'd like to be in an ideal marriage (which I don't feel I'm in)... I can imagine a marriage with more passion and sex, but this seems hard to imagine in my current situation (not for lack of trying). I find myself attracted to the idea of being with someone else, but wanting my marriage too. Very cake and eat it too of me.

2-My husband seems willing to wait as long as it takes for things to get better, whilst living in a situation where my mood dictates the sexual agenda. Am I/are we setting ourselves up for the same poor conditions that led to the A in the first place? Me wanting to stay in this basically platonic, though very loving situation as-is. His wanting to feel desired by me (or anybody) and hoping for change, etc. etc.

3-Does anyone ever feel jealous of their spouse's affair experience? Sometimes the idea of their being "swept away" makes me feel like in my present situation I am missing something that most people seem willing to sacrifice everything for. Please don't judge too harshly.

4-Is it possible to get mutually sexually "there" when I have always felt more platonically (though very much) in love with him?

5-Do you ever feel like it would be the loving thing to do to let your spouse go so they can get their needs met?

Thank you for your thoughts and time.

Welcome back seriously.

Did you counsel with the coaching center? Do the online or home program? We are doing the home program and have had to fill out the worksheets, etc. regarding ways in which we can better meet each others needs for SF. Did you do these during your MB work?

Is SF one of your H's most important needs?

It is one of the most important intimate needs, so it is very important in a marital relationship. And it sounds like it is an important need of your H's. For this reason, this is something that will need to be worked out.

Do you know why you are not attracted to your H? Is it because he is not meeting a need of yours, such as the need for a affection, physical appearance, etc? It sounds like since you fantasize about it with other people, it is not necessarily a libido thing as you suggested, but rather perhaps that your H is not meeting your needs in a way that makes him attractive to you?

Yes, if your H has a high need for SF and you are unable to meet that need, you ARE setting yourself up for the same conditions that led to the A. However, this is where having proper boundaries in place are very important.

I have one last question for you. Do YOU have another person in the wings? A close 'friend' perhaps? Start of an EA? Soon to be a PA? Several things about your post stood out to me, things that a WS on the brink of an A might just say to themselves and others....

Hi,

Thanks for your response. We did the home program and the worksheets--this was all very helpful, but don't I wish I'd had that before the A? I love how well we communicate now.

SF is indeed one of my H most important needs, number one.

It is hard to answer the question on attraction. My H is handsome to me, in good shape, etc. so appearance is not the issue. I feel that he meets my needs (top being honesty/openness, conversation) and I feel myself "falling in love" with who he is all over again... but it hasn't yet translated over into desiring him sexually. It feels like it did when we were dating, just happy to be with him, talk to him, hold his hand, etc. Was never hot and heavy for him.

I don't have anyone waiting in the wings, but I think you're right in putting me on the spot there. At times I fear that I would be quite susceptible to someone else, there is a longing for something more than what I have. I also find myself wanting a validation of my own attractiveness from another source other than my husband.

I also thought I would've had more personal clarity on whether or not we could make this work by now...

Thanks for talking.

Right now is a very good time to make sure your boundaries are ROCK SOLID then, given you are not meeting his most important EN and you yourself are feeling vulnerable to outside influences.

If your H is meeting your needs, then look to yourself. Since you mentioned it being libido, do you feel you just have a below average sex drive? Have you been to the Dr to see if there is a medical reason for this, such as a hormonal imbalance? Have you researched ways to increase your own drive, perhaps getting more sleep, eating healthy, exercising, etc? Are you comfortable with your own PA? I know when people are not comfortable with their own PA, such as weight, they often do not feel 'sexy' and this makes them less sexual feeling. Are there any natural supplements that you can take to increase your drive?

I have this exact problem, only SF is my #1 need and my H struggles to fulfill it. I talk about it EXCESSIVELY on my thread, lol, from the POV of the person who is not getting the need met, although it may be different for me as the woman vs for a man (but for the most part I think kindof like a man in regards to SF). In any case, I am trying to just throw out ideas that have been discussed in my own sitch.

Have you thought about scheduling a session with the coaching center to discuss this? Perhaps they can give you some more ideas to work with.

You will need about 20 hours plus of UA time a week (no kids or friends, no watching TV) meeting the four intimate needs: intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sexual fulfillment.

(these four needs are the intimate needs and the most important for every couple, so they need to be the priority)

Don't do anything you don�t want to do, obviously, but are you willing to put in a decent segment of SF time in order to feel closer? It can be POJA'd until it consists of SF things you are ready for, such as deep kissing, etc. Concentrate on the other three INs if you are really not ready.

Dr Harley would probably tell you to make SF more of an 'event' than an incident. Rather than being an pre-sleep activity it should become part of an entire evening following a date, being dressed up, affection and compliments etc.

The more intimate needs that are met, the more your love bank for him will rise.

If you only feel 'platonically' about him, then it's my guess your UA time is either on the low side per week, or you aren�t meeting intimate needs during that UA time.



Sounds like when he does it, he is doing it right, but is it enough time/enough lovebank coins per week? It may just need more time.



If you have been rehashing/talking about the A for a long time, it will keep you triggered for a long time. Is it possible you are still triggered?

Dr H says you get O&H then stop talking about the A asap. It keeps resentment alive.

Wanting someone else to find you attractive sounds a lot like active resentment.

Here's a good read.

The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

Thanks everybody... and hi again Glove Oil, you have a special place in our hearts for helping us early on!

So to discuss our UA, we actually are quite robust in that department. My husband is very underemployed right now, so we've never had so much.

Yesterday we had some SF time in the late morning, and he spent the rest of the day on cloud 9, talking about how great it was, how wonderful he felt, how he wanted that every day... and I found myself feeling smothered and overwhelmed. Sometimes sex is the trigger for me, and when he talks about how much he loves me and how much he enjoys it, it makes me think of him saying those things to someone else.

To be honest, I don't find myself thinking about or rehashing the affair often--except with the sex/intimacy talk. Therapy has barely touched on it, but has helped us with communication, and me personally with some family issues.

The sexual incompatibility/ platonic feeling is not new, but the A trigger is definitely not helping.

As for my health, I am on antidepression meds recently, and that has helped me be more functional. My libido actually feels improved, I do feel attractive and sexy.

That is the reason I feel worried and in need of help. I feel that there is this vulnerability feeling that nags at me... I feel that I can have "it all" in the marriage with one exception... sexual intimacy. That is not new, and I don't want to fall into the same old marriage in that department. I can't see myself "faking it" (the enthusiasm, interest, etc) for the rest of my life--he's seen through that before.

And pre-A I didn't feel a lacking, but now I feel like I don't want to go through life with this status quo.

Thank you all for the advice thus far and to come!

P.S. We are off for 2 weeks vacation, so sorry if responses are slow.

Hi,

I don't have any words of wisdom, but can share my personal experience. I had the same issue for a very long time. We even, at the advise of our counselor at the time, stopped having sex for a while (not sure if this was a good or bad advice in our situation). Eventually, I started feeling better in that department. Maybe as they say, once you start building your own new memories, that's what you want to think about rather than about the affair. In the meantime, I had to tell myself that he's with ME now. And I could really tell that he treasured every minute spent with me in that way by the way he treated me. So eventually that helped a lot to not get "triggered."