Not really. If this were the case Dr H would simply get them to define what they want. He would recommend people list their top ENS like a shopping list and marry the person who satisfies that shopping list.

I know exactly what I want. But I couldn't possibly know what is out there and in which varied and wonderful forms!

Using the 'be exclusive' approach, Person A with a high need for RC could decide to marry the first person who meets the other nine needs in an effective way and for RC they DO have fun. Fun more than once on a date doing something they kind of like, which the date agreed to because it was suggested.

That would be more than enough to cross the threshold of romantic love. Particularly without the contrast effect.

But the next date in line could have all the same needs attributes but additionally they are passionate about Person As most favourite type of RC.

The second date is by far the better candidate for marriage. They would find it far easier to enthusiastically make larger LB deposits throughout the marriage.

The contrast effect is not for people who don't know what they want.

It is to prevent feelings of love developing at an early stage.

We shouldn't be falling in love with people while still getting to know them. To know their problems.

The contrast effect is terrible in marriages because it prevents us feeling in love.

But it is excellent while making a level headed, logical choice about who is a good person for marriage.

The love bank mounts up more slowly, we make a wiser choice than we would if already in love with the first dating choice. We then choose to fall deeper by moving on to the next stage.

That's why he recommends it for everybody. If he didn't he wouldnt say it is for everybody.

This can happen while dating too. Dr H and Joyce dated each other first. They dated others then returned to each other. With the assurance they were far better matched than anything else out there.

Like you, I don't really need that assurance. I'm a confident, laid back person who is happy with whatever makes me happy. I'm great at making quick decisions. I married my first love and was very happy pre-A.

But I'm going with Dr H on this one. I don't need the assurance of most types of insurance either. I'm not an anxious person and I don't worry about 'what if'. That's my weakness. I should start doing what's logical, instead of only doing just what I feel like.

Hi Indiegirl, you bring up some interesting points.

This is interesting because I previously thought the reason for the contrast effect was the comparison of dating partners to choose the best one. Can you please explain a bit more why the contrast effect is to prevent feelings of love developing?

If you're on a date with someone, having a good time, enjoying conversation, it's pretty hard to prevent deposits from being made. Are you suggesting that you purposely close your Love Bank while dating? That seems to go against human nature because who doesn't enjoy Love Bank deposits?

I must be missing your point. It seems that the contrast effect would be good in marriages. If I've done my homework and dated 30 people prior to marriage, then in contrast to everyone else, I chose my wife because she was the best. Maybe your explanation of why the contrast effect prevents feelings of love will help me understand what you mean.

I don't know whether I'm the normal case or not, but I like the feeling of a growing Love Bank account. I see your point, however, in the benefit of slowing the growth. This is a new concept for me, and I imagine trying it will be difficult. It seems that there will be inner tension between my heart, desiring a full Love Bank, and my head, wanting to make a wise decision.

Thanks for your words, Indiegirl. Very thought provoking!

Oh yes, a full lovebank is VERY enjoyable!!!

But it isn't smart. We have to do the workout before sitting down to the feast. Jumping straight into the intimacy of a relationship without doing the work is initially satisfying and wonderful, but it is short term.

The contrast effect takes our attention away from singlemindedly falling in love with one person. A married man who sees strippers every weekend will be less thrilled by the sight of his wife in lingerie, than if that was a special, exclusive thing.

It will still deposit LB units, but not as many.


As well as preventing us falling deeply in love, it offers us a choice and wide spectrum. Again terrible for marriages but good for dating.

It IS hard. But its also fun to date around. I would say, right now KL you are in withdrawal from your relationship and want another sugar hit somewhere else.

I would say to all post-D daters, wait it out, heal on your own and only try dating when you feel secure and happy, and you'll do fine, if you begin as a freeloader and with the contrast effect.

Hi Indiegirl, thanks again for your thoughts. Your suggestion to date when I feel secure and happy reminds me of a related question I asked on another thread, which might have been overlooked amidst other posts.

How do you know that you're healed and don't feel needy at all?

The reason I ask that is, when I first started dating my xGF, I didn't feel needy at all. Now, almost 3 years later, I can look back and see that I was indeed needy, but at the time, I didn't feel needy; in other words, my feelings deceived me. I don't feel needy now, but maybe 3 years from now, I'll look back and see that I was.

What indicators do you rely on to know with confidence that you are truly healed and not needy? Or, in the context of your most recent reply, how do you know that your feeling secure and happy is true and that your feelings are not deceiving you?

BTW, Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders is on Amazon and you can read random pages to get an idea what the book is about. I did and then ordered it.