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Debra, we would love to help you but we can do nothing if you aren't serious. Your husband knows you aren't serious and we know you aren't serious.
Your marriage could very well be saved, but you are squandering it with your inaction. Nothing we tell you here can compensate for your complacence.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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pokerface has made a good point, that getting agreement from a liar and a wayward is about as valuable as a cow pattie. Talk means nothing. Nothing. Like when you say you "won't live in a crippled marriage." .........and then remain in a crippled marriage.
All empty talk. Empty talk will not save your marriage. Empty talk will not protect your mental health from your ABUSIVE, CRUEL husband and his skank.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As long as your head is in the sand and that is the best that you can come up with as a "to do list" to stay married (which is a FAR cry from "saving your marriage")...I am gonna add one to your list.
8. Invite the 22 year old girl to move in with us.
She is so deep in your marriage that is the ONLY thing left to do to get her deeper.
But No Worries...I am sure that you will be rockin' that new expensive do.
<sarcasm off>
committed
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Q #1. Did your husband commit to no contact with the OW?
Q #2. Has your H stopped the financail support of OW will stolen marital assets? Has he kicked her to the curb? (Cut the money?)
Q #3. Did your H promise to not have any contact at all with the OW? (for gosh sakes, he gave her YOUR CAR- what else is it going to take to show you that YOU are #2?)
Q #4. Did he write a no contact letter to the other woman?
Q #5. Has he promised you he will have nothing to do with the other woman?
I don't know how many other ways I can say this. What, besides shopping IS YOUR plan to save yourself?
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Have you read any of the MB material about plans for recovery?
One thing I know is that you have to do the work and you must come up with your plan (there is no MB coach that is going to set up all this for you.)
You need to start reading. You are squandering your chances.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I don't shop, I don't get my hair done, I don't paint my fingernails. Right now, I'm sitting here with a pain in my gut that has been growing worse and worse over the last several weeks. I suspect that I developed an ulcer.
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Dear Debra,
1. look up the telephone number of your physician on the internet
2. get up from your chair and make an appointment
3. now, get your car keys and go out of the house
4. get your hair done
Unless your pain is so severe that you fear for your life, in which case you go to the emergency department of your local hospital. If not, getting your hair done does not make it worse and sitting at home is not going to make it better.
5. With hair done, you can get your WH from work to have dinner if you like, if you are still in plan A
6. Make a checklist for plan B, because it is overdue (Ulcer...)
Now, start phoning your doc!
me, DH
all the children
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come on, get up. I know you are still sitting there... NOW! HOP! 
me, DH
all the children
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You can do it.
One phone call.
One hairdo.
gogogogogogogogogogogo!
me, DH
all the children
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I don't shop, I don't get my hair done, I don't paint my fingernails. Right now, I'm sitting here with a pain in my gut that has been growing worse and worse over the last several weeks. I suspect that I developed an ulcer. Please. ACT! You must act! Plan B, no more listening to soothing lies. THIS point, RIGHT NOW, is when you can save your marriage without further unnecessary, unrelenting, bone marrow-sucking, soul-withering agony. Your husband is not sane at the moment. In plan B, your WH will know what he has lost now that you are gone, and you will eventually come to a blessed peace. Plan B is for you to recover, and a clarion-call for your WH. Debra, you are such a smart person, I see this in your posts. Please, for yourself, and even your WH, and your poor bewildered family: ACT!
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Debra..I signed on just to talk with you. I am 57 and my WH is 65. He was 60 when he was lured by a 27 year old that worked for me. There have been many opportunities for me to blast it out of the water but i was afraid. Don't be afraid you have nothing to lose. Let him have his cake but no icing.!!! Truly truly I understand your frozen emotions. You have more power than you realize. My lesson played forward.
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Debra..I signed on just to talk with you. I am 57 and my WH is 65. He was 60 when he was lured by a 27 year old that worked for me. There have been many opportunities for me to blast it out of the water but i was afraid. Don't be afraid you have nothing to lose. Let him have his cake but no icing.!!! Truly truly I understand your frozen emotions. You have more power than you realize. My lesson played forward. deborahs, please start your own thread so we can help you  And welcome to Marriage Builders.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Deb, we here all want nothing but the best for you, having walked the walk you're forced to tread now.
Adrenaline not released by action has deleterious affects on the human body. "Fight or flight" does not accommodate "Ehhh, maybe later..." very well.
Take control, my friend.
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I had no intention of picking fun about your spending habits,
I want you to understand the merit of the MB policies.
This site is about positive marriage building using the basic concepts.
Your M is in a crisis. The crisis is a third party being involved in your M, and your H inability to stop that relationship, and your inability to make a plan for recovery.
There are tools here, you need to pick up those tools and use them. ONLY you can decide what your requirements are for recovery, tho there are quite a few great examples here on the site.
Right now is a very crutial time for your M. Not firmaly establishing boundaries and rules and flip flopping about recovery is not going to help you, it will only reinforce to OW and your WH that you can be manipulated.
I really hope you have ordered SA.
Last edited by barbiecat; 08/13/12 10:54 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 83
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I made appointment at clinic, but can't get in until Aug. 28. Will be checked for possible ulcer and STD's. Not looking forward to that, but I think it's necessary to ease my mind.
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Debra..I signed on just to talk with you. I am 57 and my WH is 65. He was 60 when he was lured by a 27 year old that worked for me. There have been many opportunities for me to blast it out of the water but i was afraid. Don't be afraid you have nothing to lose. Let him have his cake but no icing.!!! Truly truly I understand your frozen emotions. You have more power than you realize. My lesson played forward. The day that I made the decision to end my crippled marriage was the day that I understood that I did have more power than I realized. I also know that I'm suffering from very low energy right now. I am so tired! There is so much that I want to do, but just getting into the shower and getting myself dressed for the day is a major achievement. Action! YES! Someone lend me some energy!
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Debra, could it be a bleediing ulcer? Can you not take yourself to an emergency room? That would explain the low energy. I am in Canada so i know i could do this. I don't know if you have emergency centers or not. Take care.
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[
The day that I made the decision to end my crippled marriage was the day that I understood that I did have more power than I realized. So your husband has moved out? What is your plan to end your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Debra, you have passed the tolerance even i had to make my husband leave. It was around 17 days and i could take no more. I TOLD him to leave even though i knew he was going down the road to her. So what? It was better than sleeping with someone who smelled like someone else. You must stand up for yourself. They are not banished to flames..they still live. Make him pay the price. If he wanted just her he would already be gone.
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Action! YES! Someone lend me some energy! Debra, have you ever heard the phrase "objects in motion tend to remain in motion"? Conversely, objects at rest tend to remain at rest. Do you understand that YOU need to get up and GET MOVING?? That's where you'll get your energy. GET MOVING.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 08/13/12 05:31 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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