it has been almost a year since i caught my wife with her "friend" at a hotel. we have been eading Dr harleys books. they have helped alot. the problem i am having is trying to let go of my feelings. i love mywife with all my heart. i know she is being honest with me. i know she wants us to work through this as much as i do. but i cant stop thinking about what she did. it hurts me so much that i know there are times that i fall into a very dep depression. i know if i can't get throug this we will not make things work. PLEASE if any body can help let me know. i don't know what to do.

Hummer-
Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Vets will be along soon.

Do you have Surviving an Affair? Many steps need to be taken to get you on the road to R. This is a great place to start.

This is the book that is saving my M after my W's A. Dr's Harley's plan WORKS if you use it.

Also, you might want to move this over to SAA forum for now. Notify mods at the bottom of your screen.

Was her affair exposed?

Who was the OM?

Has your WW given you just compensation?
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

she said she was going to a friends birthday party. but i found out she was at a hotel with the OM. i want to the hotel & had the front desk call his room & tell him he had a visitor. when he asked for the name the clerk told him my name. he knows who i am. he said he would come down but never did. it's probably good he didn't. WW came down after about half an hour. when she did she was very scared. i kept calm. it was not easy. i told her i was going home i just wanted to see for my self. she later told me the affair had been going on for 3 yrs. she said i was not meeting her EN. but she admitted she was not telling me that i was not meeting them. the part that hurts the most is that she fell in love with him.

hummer352. It was a fantasy with no responsibilities of the real world. It was built on lies and deceit. It came crashing down the minute you found out and OM went running like the coward he is.

It was not love.


You said that you have been reading here. What have you learned about affair proofing your marriage and rebuilding the love and trust. What is your WW doing to EARN your willingness to rebuild the marriage?

Did you read the article that Brainhurts posted to you?

Hummer, is the OM married? And has your wife ended all contact with him?

he is married. i told him if he contacts her again i would let his wife & family know. about 4 months went by. WW told me he called her at work. i called him & let him know i would b telling his wife. i did so the next day. he has not contacted her again.

Hummer352,

You made a tactical error in contacting the OM first, OM likely told his wife that your are crazy. Did the OMW believe you?

God Bless
Gamma

hummer, do you believe your wife has answered every question you have about the affair?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together - uninterrupted? No kids, no distractions like TV or movies - just the two of you?

And as a formerly betrayed wife, I want to thank you for telling that hound-dog's poor wife what he was up to. That was information she had a right to know.

Hummer, that is great! Did you speak directly to his wife and give her all the evidence? Are you pretty certain that all contact has ended? I applaud you for busting that rat.

It was my husband who exposed his affair to the OW's longterm partner, apologizing to him and expressing his regret for what he did to him as well as to me. (Sent per email) It was his idea, after reading about a similar case on this forum. I think that was more effective than if I had exposed it. Since indeed, she could have claimed it was a lie and that I was a crazy woman. I like to think it hurt the OW that my H would expose to her partner, and hopefully killed any plan on her part to try and rekindle in future.

H-

Stay strong my friend. I know from where you are coming. It a tough thing to look at someone you love and know what they were capable of. And, for as little as was gained for it.

If you havent already, get yourself to your doctor and get a head to toe checkup including STDs tests. Condoms were not used in my W affair and who knows how many others her OM was doing. You may want to discuss anti-depressant drugs with the doctor. They worked nicely for me early on until I discontinued them on my own 5 months later.

Next, if you dont get any excercise, start today. Walk, jog, ride a bike. Take your wife with you. It really helps.

Im 15 months post dday when I learned of my wife long term affair. I will say that not a day goes by where it doesnt occupy my thoughts. As a salesman on the road I have lots of alone time which is not good. However, this preoccupation with it has LESSENED a lot because of my wife unrelenting attention to my needs and our family.

I have much more UP days than down. Sure, I have the 'how could she' and 'why did she' moments which have simplest of answers. She let her boundary down around him and allow him to meet some needs I wasnt.

This is true for me and you. No love there. You can micromanage the details like, if there was no love there, then how could she get naked with him? What does it say about her? And sure there are 100s of other questions you could let needle you.

Im trying hard to have a 1000 ft view from above look at this. I see a very sorry woman with me today. One who has made every correct step needed to right our ship. Wallowing in the details is a losing proposition. You know already the details are ugly. Now what?

Let her make things right while you learn the things to make her happy. Ive said it before there are few things as good in adultery recovery as a remorseful wife ready and willing to make your marriage whole.

PS. Youre doing fine.

This is a huge block in your road right now...the fact that you believe WW was in love. Is that what your WW is telling you? If so that is the fog talking. Did you expose your WW to her family and ask for support in saving your marriage?

This is an essential step because it forces the WS to look at the ugliness of the affair and kills the fantasy. It also provides you, the BS, with outside support.




Did you expose to WW family?




Hummer. I hope you come back and answer some of our questions so we can help guide you through this. Recovery is a tough road and you need a recovery plan if you are to succeed. What do you have to lose except the misery you are now suffering?

Hummer
Hold fast, follow Dr. Harley's plan. I didn't listen to these guys concerning exposure and did not get the support from family and friends. Do it, you need their support!
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So many here have sailed through the dark sea you are own and can help guide you,stay here.