This is the direction I'm leaning Markos. I've made a huge mistake trying to bear this burden for us both. It's definitely taking its toll.

I've sacrificed myself and the principles for which I live in order to protect my wife. Under the new revelations, it's just not worth it anymore. If it results in divorce, so be it.

I've done a LOT of research on divorce and adultery in my state. If I'm gonna pull the trigger, it has to be soon.

As if I didn't have enough pressure, huh?

Thanks for your input. Since you've tamed your anger beast, seems you've turned into quite the wise, thoughtful mentor. I'm impressed.

In a previous post, I outlined how her family views the privacy of marriage as sacrosanct. That includes indiscretions within that marriage. The sin of exposing an adulterer, especially if the offender is a woman, is much greater than the sin of adultery itself.

I don't agree with it, but it is a dynamic that must be considered in my actions going forward.

UW, does my response to BH address your concerns? I have no intention of entering another round of recovery with a non-repentant liar.

*** Rant Warning! ***

Sorry Dude, I call "BS" on that family's nonsense.
If you had beat the crap out of your wife on d-day, they would have condemned her for bringing you up on charges??

Not "bloody" likely!

They are gutless, facilitating weasels, more intent on protecting their daughter's reputation than teaching her not to sully it in the first place!

You're gonna do what you think best, but if taking the correct action is going to be hindered by this group of losers, you'll be making your own job more difficult to assuage the sensitivities of people that don't deserve the consideration.

*** End of Rant ***

I don't agree with their outlook, I'm just reporting my observations.

I'm about 95% decided to do what I think is right and let the chips fall where they may.

Just to be clear: what I think is right is to expose her adultery to her family so they can understand what's going on. If they help, that's great. If they turn against me, they're going to make things much worse.

OWH,

In a previous post, I outlined how her family views the privacy of marriage as sacrosanct. That includes indiscretions within that marriage. The sin of exposing an adulterer, especially if the offender is a woman, is much greater than the sin of adultery itself.

This is a tough one OWH, I'm dealing with this in my Wifes family with similar issues.

Two of my BILs frequented prostitutes and I have to see their wives at family gatherings. I saw another BILs wife cheating on him. My MIL goes out with a relative on a weekly basis who witnessed my FILs affair and who still dines with FIL and his mistress. But as in your case her family would rather not make waves. I've asked my W how she would feel if I asked our children to lie to her? She doesn't like to think about it though.

I also get the impression that when someone in W family is exposed they then think that it then justifies the original wrong that they committed.

God Bless
Gamma

...what I think is right is to expose her adultery to her family so they can understand what's going on. If they help, that's great. If they turn against me, they're going to make things much worse.

Sorry, dude! From your post on the subject I got the (mistaken) impression you were equivocating about exposure. I should have known better!

I have agree about that statement, being very slimy and bogus

" To expose in some ways is worse than the act itself"

I know you don't agree with, but hey, now you have do deal with it

OWH, being alone would be preferable to being with someone dishonest without your emotional heath as one of thier primary interests as a partner

As you can see and have experienced, this is like putting your hand in a bear trap and hoping nothing makes it spring

You haven't wasted the last couple years, you have recieves a lesson on human nature. I don't know what attracted you to her, but time to look at that too. Either way, she doesn't appear to want to change and if she doesn't, you will do better alone.

Take heart, many fools walk in where angels fear to tread. Heck I did.

As Dr H points out regularly, sometimes it's better to end it.

Let's not forget too sometimes there is just too much to fix

Major drama in the stables tonight. I told her I knew she was still lying and I needed the details of the activities between her and POSOM. She refused. Said I was crazy. That I had no reason to hear the details and she wouldn't tell me.

I became very distraught, because that was really the last straw for me. My parents just happened to call at that moment, and I told them about WW's affair and that I was filing for divorce.

I then sent an e-mail to the rest of my family and her family, wrote about the affair and that I was going to file for divorce.

I then brought my son downstairs, brought him into the bedroom with WW and I, told him about the affair, and that I was going to file for divorce.

Then, I went for a walk.

When I came back, WW and I talked and she told me the details of her affair from where it started up to where I busted it.

She's pretty broken up right now. Seems her whole gig was meant to keep the affair under wraps. Now that everyone knows, she's wallowing in guilt and shame. I feel terrible for her.

Once I reached the end of my tether and decided to divorce her, she gave me the one thing I ever needed to begin proper recovery.

Man, this is sad.

Rest, my friend.

Enough for tonight. Take the phone off the jack for a while. You do not need right now advice and difficulties from the ignorant. Whatever protests and screams they want to generate will be fresh enough in a few days.

Attend to your welfare, and hers as well. Comfort your son.

We'll be here as you need us.

Ditto
We are here, so get some sleep, we can go over this stuff in the morning

Let the drama go for tonight just like NG said

What happened was no surprise Sir, but yes while in the middle of the forest, you can't see it because of the trees being in the way.

Stay objective and cool. Get some rest and pick up again tommorow

Yeah take the phone off the hook and calm your family

CP, ya know, we ain't too good at taking our own advice, are we?

Already received an e-mail response from WW's sister and BIL.

They're asking me to reconsider and offering to support us, without judgment, through reconciliation.

I begged my wife to open a thread here so the fine MBers can guide her steps at this stage. It's up to her.

OWH, just catching up on your thread and wanted to applaud you for sticking to it and getting the truth out. I agree with your plan of exposure to an inner circle of family members. The reasons I see for exposure would be two-fold: to get support for you and to - hopefully - wake her up. Seeing herself through the eyes of others can often be a very effective wake up call.

Was this OM married? If so, do you have a plan to contact his wife?

I hope your wife does come here and post. Like you mentioned earlier, she may have problems because BS has a short shelf life here. But she will hear what she needs to hear.

Have you considered signing up for the MB course or getting counseling from Steve Harley? They are very good at motivating reluctant spouses to get on board. It is in your wife's best interest to come clean and go through this program and they might be able to sell her on it.

Thank you, ML. I don't feel much like being applauded right now. I feel terrible. It had to be done, though. I can't live with the lies.


Unmarried and unattached. Estranged from his family. A parasite that moves from one woman to the next, getting his jollies, then hounding out his next victim. Part of the pain I'm dealing with right now is seeing her finally acknowledge last night that she was used as his depository.


I hope so as well. She needs to. I'm pretty confident her BS days are over. When I told my son in front of her, she broke. She's a seriously broken woman at the moment.


I'll do anythng she's willing to do to save our marriage. You see, ML, though I'm the offended party, I've been carrying the load in trying to effect a reconciliation. The load placed upon me was too great and, last night, I crumbled under the load. She has to pick it up from here. I'll try to get her here for support and guidance. That's all I can do.

You say you are expended now, and that is understandable. But you are an Old War Horse. Old War Horses always get back up and soldier on eventually. Give yourself a little time, and I bet you will be leading the way to R again.

I glad you got the truth. You are to far in this race and have work to hard to quit now. Ease off your race pace and allow yourself to recover your strength in the far turn so you will be able to finish the last run down the stretch.

OWH,

Even though it was painful, you have done the right thing. Now that all this is out, your wife will be able to make a commitment to being open and honest. My H did and today he is a much happier person, more free. He said that he finds being open and honest very liberating.

In our case, like yours, the trickle truth went on for nearly two years after D-day and ours then resulted in H contacting OW. I made MB a REQUIREMENT for me to stay in the marriage. I was not going to live the rest of my life in some crippled version of a marriage. At first, my H was somewhat reluctant, but he knew I was serious about MB. After a short time, he began to see the benefits of MB for him and us. Today, he often is the one who asks to turn on the radio show and every night we read in the book, "Draw Close".

I recommend you and your wife sign up for the on line course and get the marriage on right track for recovery.

AM

Ya know, it brings back reference to that author who once penned, "The worm dieth not". Having allways been a "Peacemaker", and sticking my nose into the middle of conflict, yeah I guess your right NG. Was thinking about the roles we males take on in RL, that reflect that sentiment. Yourself a refferee, myself a once aspiring state trooper and allways the peacemaker and referee as a child in my neighborhood as a child, and OWH who has made reference to being active in law enforcement himself. How the male mind works so feverishly to dispel the demons that may or may not attack us, the glorious highs and lows we experience in our experience in our relationships, yes we could do without the drama, but it finds us anyways. Yes guys we asked for it, and it is our nature.
OWH, time to let WW fend for herself on the forums. You know she is capable, and as DR H has pointed out in many lives, it is down to the individual and themselves to fix themselves. Many awesome people and posters are here that can help her from the mire she is struggling in. I know you will still be protective, we all know that and respect that, but it's now her side of the street that needs the work.

As allways I defer to MLs guidance and leading at this time of healing for your marriage with the center and Dr H being your best hope of sorting this out.

Your not alone in this OWH, Dinine providence, and the better nature you possess has brought you here