I don't know where to start. I found out that my hubby was having an inappropriate string of texts with another woman. It was never physical, but I was still furious. We've been talking and talking and some new things have come up. My hubby was abandoned by his father when he was young. There was very limited and very negative contact since that time. In fact, no contact since hubby was a teen. One of the things that has come to light is that my husband has pursued isolated sexual encounters with other men periodically over the years. Most have been only emails and they never met, but he did meet with a man only once (that I know of) and there was some exchange of fondling involved. Is it possible for us to repair this marriage? We will be entering counseling as a couple and him as an individual to address this. I want to think that if he resolves his "daddy issues" the others will resolve on their own, or is that wishful thinking??? There was also one incident with him as a teen where he was molested by a classmate and although he told, no one believed him and nothing was done about it. Yet another thing that will be addressed in counseling.

Some exchange of fondling = intercourse

So sorry you're here. Your marriage can recover from even this heinous assault, but will take more work than the average adultery because the offense was greater.

Rather than resolving daddy issues, your WH needs to resolve his boundary issues that led him to feel he could give himself permission to cheat. The lifestyle and mindset that permitted these adulteries needs to change before you can ever feel safe with him again.

Since you're willing to consider recovery, what your chances depend most on are his willingness to implement what Dr. Harley calls "Extraordinary Precautions" (even more extraordinary for him, since he is at risk from men as well as women), and to build with you a marriage of Extraordinary Care.

On the main page, look for Articles, then find the section on What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband. Read other stories here. Take your time, step by step. You'll make it through this.

Being abandoned by their father (like millions of young men have) does not cause homosexual behavior and infidelity. So no, daddy issues will not fix this. But I can guarantee you that you can find a counselor willing to charge you $100+/hour to try.

All wayward spouses have boundary issues.

Wayward spouses (WSs) that engage in homosexual/bisexual behavior seem to have an additional entitlement that they should be allowed to "explore" with the opposite sex. I've seen WSs come here and say this all the time.

I would suggest you get yourself checked for STDs asap and read Surviving an Affair. This isn't going to go away with "counseling", you need to treat it for what it is - your husband feels entitled to sleep around and has poor boundaries.

Welcome.

How long ago did you discover this EA with the OW? Has he ended all contact with this OW? How are you ensuring this to be the case?

I take it by the statement 'that I know of' you do not feel you have all the information. I think it would be illogical on your part to think you did, at this point. Have you considered asking your WH to take a polygraph to show you that he is being O&H?

It sounds to me like your WH is filling you full of all kinds of unnecessary information to refocus your attention AWAY from his current and past infidelities. This is called gaslighting. Throw all that other stuff out, and focus on his infidelities.

The book Surviving An Affair will be able to give you valuable advice on how to recover your marriage after an affair. This will require your WH to end all contact with his AP's, and develop boundaries around your marriage that will make it next to impossible for him to ever pursue another A. It is a VERY valuable read in your situation and I encourage you to order it today.

BBL, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that bring you here. I would not advise that he go to "counseling" to discuss his past because that will be a distraction from the present. Your H has serious problems with his boundaries and that is what needs to be addressed. You can't change the past so delving into his past means you aren't fixing the present problems.

Please check out Dr Harley's links about infidelity and take the steps he suggests: How to Survive Infidelity

Welcome to Marriage Builders, BBL. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here, but you've come to the right place for help.

First of all, understand that you are more than likely being trickle-truthed. That means he's admitting as little as he has to. The reality is that there is probably much more that you don't know about. I would suggest a polygraph for him in order to find out the extent of his betrayal. Make that a condition of remaining in your marriage.

Skip that whole counselling business - it's a waste of money and time. The counsellor will waste your time, discussing childhood issues that have nothing to do with your husband's infidelity. His main problem is that he has lousy boundaries around others. It has zero to do with his childhood, so don't let him try to buy a Get Out Of Jail Free card with that. He doesn't have "daddy issues" - he has boundary issues.

I saw how you posted on another thread.
I understand that you are more upset about him commiting infidelity with a man rather than a woman. Although you posted he has commited infidelity with a woman you are focusing on the same sex.

Did you know he was bisexual when you married?

Update/Response: We have talked and talked and talked since my discoveries just over a week ago. I am angry at the infidelity with the other woman. I am angry because everything he says he got from her, he should have come to me for... to feel good about himself, a distraction from life's stresses, etc. He has cut all contact with her, and I believe him. Unknown to him, I do have access to some of his accounts etc, and there has been nothing. As the infidelity was short-lived and involved no physical contact, I truly believe we will put this incident behind us sooner rather than later.

As for the one time encounter with the man, this hurt me greatly because i can't begin to understand what he's thinking and feeling. We have discusses this at length as well. He has admitted to having been curious about men in the past and entertaining the idea. He had even been in contact with anonymous men with the thought/intent of meeting up with them. However, this was the only time he went through with it and it was prior to our marriage, however we were engaged at this time. The encounter involved mutual masturbation, nothing more. The other man is married as well. Again, having access to some of his accounts, I truly believe this to be the case. He admits to still having thoughts about men from time to time and has agreed to counseling on his own and together to work through them. He is not homosexual and does not believe himself to be bi-sexual either. I know that will be met with resistance on this site. I'm not sure I fully understand how bi-sexuality works in all cases, and I don't necessarily believe that he is bisexual. Regardless, I have told him, under no circumstances will I tolerate any of these behaviors in the future. That bisexual or bi-curious or whatever, cheating is cheating and I will not accept it. Being bisexual does not mean it is OK to have a partner of each sex. Monogamy is still a requirement for me.

We are both committed to making this marriage work and I believe that we will. It will take time and a lot of hard work from both of us, but I do plan to grow old with this man. My post on the other thread was simply looking for someone who has been through this and hoping for a little extra optimism to be thrown my way.

You have every reason to be optimistic - Follow the MB program for recovery from infidelity.

Dr.H addressed same sex affairs on the radio program several times in the past month. The bottom line: Affairs are affairs, they occur between same-sex partners for the same reasons that they occur between opposite-sex partners. The only substantiative difference in recovery is that the restriction on no opposite sex friendships turns into a restriction on all friendships. You have to be extra careful that no intimate conversation ever occurs with anyone.

Who cares what label he gets, homo, bi, hetero, or anything? The only label that matters at this point is CHEATER.

No matter how he cheated, or who he cheated with, he needs to change his whole lifestyle, and eliminate the factors that allowed his adulteries to take place.

One word: polygraph

**edit**

But the sexuality issue aside I encourage you to ask your husband to take a polygraph. Then you will know for sure.

**edit**

But when people meet random people for sex (and I don't believe your husband. I think he has probably had several sex partners) there needs to be HIGH boundaries around other people.
I think he is playing you for a fool.
A polygraph is the first step.

Excellent radio show. BW's WH is having an affair with OM.
Radio clip on same sex affair
Segment #2