Glad to see her family is supportive.

Unfortunately, it often takes the worse - realizing the BS is serious when they say they aren't gonna take it anymore - before a WS really breaks.

While you are tired and spent from last night and don't feel much like being applauded, I hope you recognize that had you not gone to the lengths you did, you're wife would not be broken. This kind of brokenness is necessary for her to become repentant.

I know things can't be easy right now but let me tell ya: you possibly did one of the bravest things a person can do - and could save your family because of it. That's worth it.

I know from personal experience how it is to have to tell your children such a thing; in my case, I believe doing so was the biggest factor in breaking through my H's fog. Now, nearing 2 years into recovery, my kids are wiser and much more educated on what it takes to make a good marriage - and - they are witnessing the great marriage we have today!

Just wanted to offer you some encouragement.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your encouragement.

I'm a crusty ol' bronc with a cold demeanor and a hard edge. I've cried very little over this mess for the past 18+ months, but this morning I've been literally moved to tears at how MY family (and that includes my in-laws, HER FAMILY) has rallied to our aid.

I don't know what to say. Such an outpouring of love from everyone for both of us! It's a Cavalry of Angels . . .

This makes my day!

Hi WarHorse

Not to be downer but proceed with caution. Last night was a good first step towards R but your WW withheld the truth for over a year...I am reluctant to believe that she puked it all out in a matter of hours and you may have questions and get more details once the dust settles a bit.

Were you able to get some decent sleep last night?

I haven't slept well since The Polygraph Incident, but feel I will be able to rest tonight.

I KNOW I have the full story now, because it matches the evidence. ALL of the evidence. And I have an incredible amount of evidence.

I believe her when she tells me she can't remember every little detail of where, when, how they met, for how long, under what circumstances, the methods of communication they used to meet up or plan a tryst, who paid, what she was wearing, where I was when they ran off to meet, and any other little details that I might deem pertinent. But, that's okay, because I can show her . . .

This is EXACTLY one of the main reasons Exposure is SOOOO crucial! It not only works to break up an affair, but provides the BS with real life support that is MUCH needed, a lot of the time. So many people are afraid of it, and when they finally do it - they wish they would have done it sooner; they wouldn't have had to shoulder the burden by themselves for so long. It's extremely therapeutic.

OWH, I am just now catching up on your thread, and am thrilled to see that you are receiving support from your wife's family.

Thank you for the warm compliment. I do not consider myself to have yet tamed the anger beast, but the bouts have gotten farther and farther apart, and I hope I can be helpful. I love this place. And Dr. Harley really is right that anger is insanity. Who would want to be insane once in awhile?

Now I've got to go finish reading the updates on your thread since yesterday...

On the contrary, you are a hero, to yourself and to your family.


Well, you've been through hell, buddy. I'm glad to hear the angels have arrived to hold you up on their wings.

How are you faring, Hoss?

As I suspected. From her perspective, my exposure of her affair to family members is a much worse offense than her affair.

She wants to go to a local counselor. She will not come to MB. MB is the place that taught me to humiliate her, drag her through the mud, and spit in her face by telling everyone she's a whore.

There's just not a lot for me to work with, here. Don't see much hope for keeping this together.

OWH,

Once again, she is turning this all around on you. She wants a local counselor so she can come out smelling like a rose and you are the bully. She humilated herself, dragged herself through the mud by her behavior, not the exposure of her behavior.

I am sorry. She is nowhere near ready for recovering the marriage. Stand firm about whatever YOUR requirements are for marital recovery.

AM

She is not in the least bit serious. And I agree with Armymama about the "counselor." It is a way to get you in there and beat you up and punish you for defending yourself.

OWH,

She wants to go to a local counselor. She will not come to MB. MB is the place that taught me to humiliate her, drag her through the mud, and spit in her face by telling everyone she's a whore.

Actually MB has taught you not to suffer in silence for a crime you did not commit. I know it's very trendy to blame the victim, and perhaps your W will find such a counselor, but would she really want to stay married to such a spineless spouse who would buy into that blame shifting?

It's the spouses who don't implement MB or something similar who for the rest of their lives spit at, humiliate, are humiliated by and think of their spouses as whores.

What's important is that now YOU can see your W cleaned of mud and no longer think of her as a whore.

God Bless
Gamma

So she acted all concerned and humble when exposed in front of her family, then in private it changed back to what you have refered to twice now as," Exposure is worse than adultery"

How backwards is that? Nevermind I'm sure you realize it's crazy

I'm sorry OWH you are going through this and your son deserves better too

You got a crash course on dealing with this stuff, now stick around long enough to get you on the path of healing.

WW? Not so concerned about her except her getting an IC for her personal issues. You and your son are my primary concern.

She's the one who keeps using that word, not me! I've never thought of her as a whore. I love and repect this woman, still. I want to reconcile with her.

No, she never showed concern or humility.

It sure seemed like she was at least remorseful, since you described her as "broken."

It is extremely common for a WS to get angry about exposure and gaslight the BS! I cannot urge you strongly enough - this is a test, OWH, a test of your resolve - and you MUST pass it! If you don't, you will not have stood up for self-respect. This respect is needed in order to fan the flames within your wife - because - without this respect, she cannot be in love with you. Not to mention the handful of other reasons: real recovery must be on your terms, with O&H, transparency, EP's, etc...

Right now she's like a toddler throwing a fit. You MUST NOT give in, not if you want to save your family.

How old is your son? In my case, it was extremely helpful that the kids displayed some tough love too, to break through my H's fog. (He was also very angry about exposure, btw.)

Then, sir, you have some decisions to make, and bars to set.


Reconciliation and recovery are possible, even if she never takes responsibility for her affair. Even if she never apologizes.

If that is the case, can you live with that?


Recovery will not be possible without a plan, and without sticking to the plan... FOR LIFE.

Can you live with that?


Could you put both of those things together, and could you set your bare-minimum terms for recovery based on those decisions?

She's apologized many, many times, but she misrepresented the content of her apology. Her stance following exposure of her affair remains to be seen. Generally, she knows what she did was really wrong and regrets it. I'm good with that.


Probably.


I don't yet know enough about her intentions to answer this question.

Her intentions have nothing to do with the bar you set for reconciliation, sir.

If her intentions do not meet your requirements, then there is no reconciliation.


Your bar is as simple as; no contact for life with her affair partner, complete and total transparency and accountability, adoption of Extraordinary Precautions to protect the marriage from future infidelity, and commitment to a program of recovery.