I've posted to him, clear. Hopefully he'll agree with what I've said.

thanks for your concern marital bliss!

Clearmind,
The critical importance of UA time
Can you and 20Year sit down and schedule the UA time? And then schedule family time?

CM,

This is your first anniversary to past while working on recovery. It's going to be hard, at this point, for you husband to honor it as you like.

It's going to be more important for you to concentrate on proper UA time and rebuilding Romantic Love in your marriage, then to honor a single day which has had it's meaning muddied.

Whatever affection or plans you may have had for a single, special day, should be something you two are putting into practice every day. Those plans were likely what real UA time should look like.

brainhurts,
i just ordered the workbook, 5 steps to romantic love. hopefully i will get soon!

marcos,
thanks for the link. very informative and reinforces how important ua is.

Good job on ordering the book. I think you'll love it.

Have you heard this one? If you want the previous call from this couple let me know.
Dr. Harley finds out that they aren't following the program and that's why the BW is still struggling.

Radio Clip
Segment #2
Segment #3

brainhurts,
for some reason i am not able to open the links you just sent me or the ones you sent a couple weeks ago. my husband tried to figure it out but it still wouldnt play. is there a way i can find that particular clip myself?

HAve you made sure you have the latest version of flash player? Also trying downloading firefox.

Have 20years look into this with you, also if you guys can't figure it out.
Trouble listening to radio clips:Try this

What's up? How are things going?

brainhurts,
we are still working on getting more ua time. i think i have finally found a babysitter. my husband and i will be trying her out this weekend. i set it up and my husband said he wanted to plan what we do. (last date i had planned). im hoping that now we can get the 20 hours a week that is much needed. he told me this weekend that he was not in love with me. i am working very hard on trying to get the hours in. this past week it didnt really happen. my husband hasn't been feeling well so our time together wasnt what it should be. i am still waiting on the workbook to be delivered. hopefully this week.
we also had another setback. i responded to a text from our daughters teacher on our home computer. i also texted his mom. i forgot to tell my husband i did those 2 things. he found out about the teacher email from our sent messages and found out about me texting his mom through his mom. he was not happy about him having to find these things out. i wasnt hiding it, i just totally forgot to tell him. he thought i wasn't being transparent and open. we discussed it and everything is okay now. but another setback nonetheless.

brainhurts,
in addition to 20yearhistory telling me that he wasnt in love with me, he also said he wondered if too much damage has been done. he is very worried that i will change my mind about staying in the marriage. i told him i will not. a happy lasting marriage with him is what i want. he said that i said that before (when we were first married) and how is it different this time. i told him we have a plan this time (marriage builders) and that will make all the difference. we both know what to do to have a wonderful marriage.

Ok so what are you going to do to remember to tell him about the things like the teacher and his mom?

So he needs for you to tell him and you forgot?

Can you send a quick text and say something like "tonight I need to tell you about the email exchange with DD's teacher". He needs to see you care and are being 100% transparent.

When is he getting into the doctor to check his T levels?

Also are you asking him everyday "what do you need from me? Do you feel protected by me today?"

The 20 hrs will help. What are you doing in those 20 hrs to meet the 4 top EN?

brainhurts,
we have agreed to a plan to help me remember to tell 20yearhistory everything. we decided that i will send him a quick text just like you suggested.
20yearhistory finally called his doctor this morning. of course, no openings until next week .
i ask 20year "is there anything i can do for you today?" pretty much everyday.
as to our UA, we do activiites we both enjoy and we talk. we definately feel closer. we usually have productive ua time, but just not enough. im hoping that will change soon!

It will change if you can up that UA time.

Are you meeting SF need during your UA time?

What are his top EN's?

brainhurts,
i am meeting his SF during ua. this really hasn't been a problem for us. his top needs were O & H, Admiration, Conversation, and SF. i asked him a month ago to fill out a new questionnaire for me. he still hasn't completed it yet. i have asked him 2-3 times since then about it. he says he needs to do it. but hasn't. I do feel his top ENs are probably the same. Last week was a hard week for us in fulfilling each others needs. 20yearhistory has been sick and I hurt my back and had trouble moving. both of us are starting to feel better so this week we should be back at fulfilling those needs.

How are you asking him?

"I would love it if you filled out....

Or
"How would you feel filling out...

Hope he is getting into the doctor and you both are feeling better.

How are you doing on letting him know of all your contacting with others through the day?

How are you asking him?

"I would love it if you filled out....

Or
"How would you feel filling out...

Hope he is getting into the doctor and you both are feeling better.

How are you doing on letting him know of all your contacting with others through the day? [/quote]

brainhurts,
i can't remember exactly how i worded the reminders, probably something like "i would like for you to finish the questionnaire". i know it was said respectfully though.
both of us are starting to feel better. 20year stopped smoking on sunday so a few days were a bit edgy for him but getting better. he does say he is feeling better.
as to letting him know about my contacts during the day, our new procedure of me texting 20year has been working.
this saturday we will be having our first babysitter for our date night. tyring to up the ua hours!

Keep doing the work and you will reap the benefits.

Here are some excellent quotes.

brainhurts,
thanks so much for the encouragement. it is indeed hard work but i know it will definately be worth it and our marriage will be better than ever!
right now we are still dealing with the triggers. 20year is doing mcuh better with them, the down times not as often and not nearly as long. i wished there was more i could do for him.