I would hold her at bay with your pistol or shotgun until the police show up. Force her to stand in the street while you wait for them to arrive.

I'm not sure I would trust myself with a gun in the presence of some woman trying to steal my husband.

Hopefully, that brazen OW feels the same way!

Good point Mel. The tables need to be turned.


Right now, this OW is in control because she is very good at instilling fear. Wait...I take that back...it is the therapist that is instilling the fear.

It is a waste of time to concern yourself over OW's present mental state and why she is there. Don't waste your time with this. The same medication could be used by Nobel peace prize winners, school teachers, ministers and others who take it and function just fine. This medication angle is speculation and deserves NONE of your time.

The only thing you need to concentrate on is that this OW has been in an affair with your husband. An affair you need to kill. I don't give a hoot if she's a CEO or a ditch-digger. (My apologies to honest, hard-working ditch-diggers who would never consider interfering in someone else's marriage.) Whatever. I wouldn't be concerned over what she has speculated about YOU. My. Such a nice, humanitarian gesture of OW, to out your husband so that you are totally informed of his betrayal with her. Bull. Her goal was to inflame you so much that you would leave your husband.

But here's the good thing: you need to know every aspect of the affair so you can begin healing. She actually did you a favor. Silly OW. Mission to derail: FAIL.

I know it's painful to see the actual things that your H said - I had to see the same things. When you are ready, I want you to practice looking at them and saying a phrase after every protestation of 'love' that he wrote - are you ready? (your phrase is in parentheses)

WH: "You are the fountain of life for me" (BLAH BLAH BLAH)
WH: "I've never felt this way" (BLAH BLAH BLAH)
WH: "I long to run away with you and explore the depths of our love." (BLAH BLAH BLAH)

Because that's he was doing - saying whatever he thought she needed to hear so that she could keep coming back for more. My H did the same thing. He said it was hard after a while, because he only had so many lines.

two words: restraining order! or protective order or whatever they call them where you are.

sounfair, have you exposed to her workplace? has your WH gone with NC? you need to fight for your M, dear!

Thanks for your help.

Letty: Restraining order, yes we planned to do this after calling the police if she showed up at our house, which she didn't thankfully.

Pokerface: I agree, WHs therapist has instilled a lot of fear.

MelodyLane: I don't have a gun and wouldn't know what to do with it, haha.

Brokenvase: Therapist is a registered psychologist

Sugarcane: Yes, H told his boss, another colleague and 2 friends at work about the A. His boss told him that he would deal with her so that she would not have to deal with him. Her company has a teeming agreement with H's company, looking to provide solutions to H's company's client.

Everyone else: thank you too.

Last week when she was in town, she did try and set up coffee with him, the day before and in the morning before meeting with his boss and other collegues. She also forwarded him an email that he had written her about his time together, and said, memories, and that she was confused that now she was here he was ignoring her. She also said that she wanted to return a tie that he had given her and that she had sorted another issue that she wanted him to deal with while she was here, relating to an abortion.

The morning of the meeting I parked outside his office. He had a meeting with his boss and collegue to brief them before thier meeting with her. He had me on the phone during that meeting. I saw her arrive and enter the building. His boss went to meet with her, H did not. He came to have coffee with me. Later, I saw her meeting with boss and collegues in a different coffee shop, then I drove H to another meeting elsewhere across town. I drove back to his office and watched her meeting through the window. I knew I was being a bit crazy but could not help myself, I also knew I was too gutless to do anything too crazy. After her meeting finished I followed her in my car to another coffee shop where she had lunch. I could have easily gone in to join her, but, as I said, too gutless and what was I trying to achieve. She then got in a taxi and I followed. When she got out, I parked and pursued on foot for about 30 seconds before I realised that this was dangerous and crazy and gave up. She was not anywhere near my H. I went and met him for lunch.

Later, H phoned me to say that OW had phoned him from a blocked number. He told her he could not talk, and maybe said that he would ring back later. That evening while he was at home she texted to say was he going to call back or was that another broken promise? He texted her to say he
would call in the morning. The next morning in his office he phoned her. I was sitting next to him and the call was on speaker phone, I recorded it. They spoke about work stuff, who was who who she had met, and he told her that his boss and collegues were fully briefed on everything that she needed to know and could put her in touch with everyone else she needed. He said that she did not need to contact him. She said I'm not going to call you if that's what you are worried about. He said that in regards to everything else his memories have not changed, her music is not ruined, but his decision is that he's chosen me as I am the love of his life. She asked him what to do with his tie. He said it was freely given, he does not consider it to be his tie anymore and that was for her to decide. He told her no communication and that he wished her well and hope she enjoyed the rest of her trip. She wished him well with his marriage recovery and hoped he had a good day.

Maybe this is stupid, but I'm hoping her idea of returning the tie is about letting go???

Since then I have monitored text phone and email and as far as I know she has not contacted him, or vice versa. So no contact at all for 5 days. Unbeknown to H I have stalked her facebook and she has left the country.

Since then H and I have been trying to have good times together.

I read about False Recovery and I think we were there before his final revelation on 7th July, when WH lead me to believe there was no contact. I'm not sure if I have said that at the same time then (7th July) as he told me he was still communicating with her that during our 20yr marriage he has visited prostitues, not all the time but a dozen or so times. I had no idea about this at all. On a couple of occasions this was when he was interstate on business, otherwise I think it was when I was away on business or visiting family.

Other than not letting them have any independant behaviour, how can you be really sure that they are being totally honest with you?

That's why you need to keep snooping to know if they are being honest with you.

Spyware on phone
keylogger on computer
GPS on vehicle
VAR in vehicle

Waywards will always trip up if they are doing wrong.

You are in a false recovery and will not make it. All contact has to end. The affair has to be exposed. None of that has happened.

We can't help you if you aren't serious about saving your marriage. Your husband knows you aren't serious and we know you aren't serious.

Let us know when you want to get serious. Otherwise you are wasting our time.

She doesn't need to snoop. He is in contact with his OW and she doesn't care. What would be the point of snooping if the BS doesn't care if the affair is ongoing?

The OW also knows that you are not serious. She knows that she can continue to text, call, come to to his office,... whatever she wants freely.

OW is spitting in your face. You allow her to do this by not exposing on her side.

My bad, I thought she had exposed.

My bad, I thought she had exposed.

My bad, I thought she had exposed and wanted to verify NC.

Oh soUnfair. This is painful to watch.


You asked how do you know when they are being honest? I knew when ALL contact had stopped AND my WH stopped protecting the OW. I do not see any sign of either of those two conditions in your current situation.

All of this contact appears to have taken place with your approval and even participation.

Since the beginning of this thread, it has become clear that you are posting here to journal, and you are not following any of our advice.

She is CONDONING the affair so there is no reason to even discuss no contact. She is part of the problem.

If OW manages to get through these weak boundaries, the wall of boundaries need to be rebuilt stronger. The only response she should get to a phone call is a "click". Any contact is just welcoming her back into you marriage. Did you know that every single contact sets your recovery back to square one? Stop giving this POSOW any control in your life.Shes an intruder. What do you do to stop an intruder? Back it up with legal means, but honestly, it sounds as if youtpr husband has no intention of stopping the contact, time for Plan B, and not a nanny-pamby one-- the real deal. If you don't stop this, your marriage is doomed.