Yes. Why?

I see a couple of items you have violated recently. Does your husband have a copy of this? Can you engage in a conversation where you each talk about your own violations to what you had agreed to?

If you don't see any you have violated, I would suggest you ask your H for help in identifying them, but not if you don't feel safe doing so.

Wow, 15 sessions? We did 12, spread out over six months. I guess you did every week? That felt too often for us, too focused on what was wrong with the marriage without enough time in between to practice having a good one.

Beat you, at 14.

Thoughts, Markos? Prisca?

We could have used 100, lol.

Reread every post that was posted to you since you came yesterday, and put it into action. I posted earlier today to say, it all looks good.

Just re-read them. I still see conflicting advice - what am I missing?

(dense??)

...and my H does read this...so please consider that in your comments.

What does this mean? What does 'considering' mean there? What exactly are you asking people to do? Write to him? (hey Mr. Z, get your own thread!)

Dear Mr. Z.,

You can do this. We can help. Come hang with us for a year or so. If you have any complaints, we will listen.

I don't know who wrote that contract but it's too wordy. I have a degree in English, so I know wordy when I see it.

Drop the words like intimidate. Keep it simple
The following will not be tolerated:
Punching objects, slamming fists, raising voices during discussion, finger pointing... Stuff like that

Yes, there are problems with the agreement Zhamila wrote, but the biggest one is that she isn't even following what she herself came up with and thrust on her H.

If I told my H that I wanted him to agree to be bonded together against abuse, he would look at me like I had a mouth full of marbles.

I do not appreciate the manner in which you are trying to help me. I thrust nothing on my H.

I've asked you multiple times to speak respectfully to me. I feel consistenly attacked by your language, please stop.

Please keep posts respectful and help this marriage using Marriage Builders concepts.

I was speaking to KT. That's why I used 'her' instead of 'your.'

Perhaps I am recalling it wrong, and thrust wasn't the right word. I was under the impression that you wrote this up yourself with no input from him, and would not allow him to edit it before signing it. Is that incorrect? Because that's all I meant by thrust: presented to him for his signature without his input during drafting or after his objections to it as written.

I certainly got his input, and he made edits before we signed it. I will always clarify if you ask me.

I would have to disagree. I think the specific bullet points, and examples of verboten behaviour, are excellent. If the parties agree that certain things constitute "intimidation" then there should be no issue labelling it as such. If they don't, that is another issue. Certainly MB takes an equally tough stance on the wording of some things.

And I think that asking someone to be "bonded" with you against abuse is utterly unexceptional, especially in a relationship where that has been a problem.

Okay. I found where you wrote about it (page 44-45). I see where I took your words "I used MB terms throughout" and "he was more focused on editing the agreement than being appalled" and that he signed it after your emotions to his reading your journal as it was something you wrote, he tried to get input on, but you two couldn't reach an agreement (you did say you tried to negotiate it) and then he reluctantly signed it as-is, because you were upset with him again and he tries to appease you. Sorry that I didn't catch that you two wrote it together.

Have you discussed it with him again? What do you think about asking him how you've been living up to it? How do you feel about that?

Kerala, the issue I have with the bonded thing is that it's very difficult if not impossible to measure progress on. MB is all about actionable, measurable things. You can tell if you're meeting ENs because there's an actionable list to follow (did you hold her hand? Did he take out the trash? Have they had sex the desired # of times that week? Did they play tennis and then have conversation over lunch on Tuesday as planned?). If you are meeting needs but love is still lacking, then either you look at the list of LBs (did he slam the door when you reminded him about the trash? Did she plan a lunch with her BFF on Tuesday and blow off your tennis game?), or add items to ENs (actually, back rubs do more for her than hand-holding, and he liked her hair better long) and keep going and measuring.

How do you measure "bonded"?

Kerala, what I meant is that the list can be a lot more clear and concise. In my training for referee reports, grant writing, composition,accident reports, work reports, and etc, it is absolutely important to get to the point. My composition professors would hand that back and ask her to take out the adjectives, adverbs, and unnecessary words. When I read what she wrote, I had to reread it several times.

I could write "in a demeaning manner, said person viciously slammed his fist down upon an object in an attempt to circumvent...."

Or I can write "Bob slammed his fist down."

If my wife were to give that to me, I would ask if she could just list what actions she does not want to see from me. Guys don't do well reading between lines and muddling through adjectives.

Skip the paragraphs and write down a list. Think in terms of written directions.
1.Do not yell
2. Do not hit anything
3. Do not slam your hand or fist against anything.
Etc

Then get his input.

And both should practice at all times saying "how do you feel about/if we/if i/if you"