I was in a LTA for 3 years with a coworker. The affair was first discovered after the first time and I promised it was a one time affair and would never happen again. I lied and it continued. Eventually the physical affair ended but we did not stop communication. I found out I was pregnant June of 2011; my husband found out I was still talking to the OM and assumed it was his child. I ended all contact with the OM. I miscarried a few weeks later. For the past year I have been trying to restore my marriage. I made a terrible mistake and would give anything for another chance. He wanted to divorce June 2011 however my parents talked him out of it because of our 5 year old daughter. I have been to counseling this past year however he has refused to go to marriage or individual counseling. We tried marriage counseling 3 years ago after the first discovering but it didn't work because I was not truthful. (We went 3 times.) He currently holds a lot of resentment. He brings up the affair every month or so. He's hurt and mad because he married a slut, whore, b----. This past week he has decided it's time and he wants to divorce in Dec. He believes the marriage is irreparable, irreconcilable, and not salvageable. I know I hurt him and our family. I was selfish. I don't want to give up on us but I don't know what to do. I would appreciate any advice.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Cheesie. Do you still work with OM or see him at any time?

I no longer work with OM and have not had any contact or communication since June 2011.

How would you husband ever be assured this won't happen again?

Does the OM still work at the same place? Is he married? If so, does his wife know what you did?

The OM is not married and no longer works at the same company as me. I installed a location tracker on my phone and avoid the area where he lives and works. I answe the phone as soon as he cala so he knows the phone is with me. I took a polygraph in Dec 2011. I have not seen, talked to, or heard from the OM.

Is the OM married?

OM is not married.

Cheesie,

Did you answer all of your BHs questions as completely as he needed, or does he have lingering doubts.

Was the OMs family told about what he did and his work place, was the OM exposed, or did he get off without a scratch?

God Bless
Gamma

I have tried to answer all his questions but I know he has lingering doubts. There is one question I have not been able to give a definite answer... How many times? I gave an number but based on toll tags and call logs he believes it to be more.

OM got off Scott free.

Cheesie,

Don't underestimate the importance of physical details to a BH, perhaps when you could not answer that question he gave up and didn't bother to ask other question of similar importance to him.

Was the OM your boss? Are you going to expose OM to his workplace and family? Your BH may want you to do the dirty work.

God Bless
Gamma

Please suggest to your husband to schedule a polygraph exam for you. He can make sure his questions are answered.

You don't know what happened to OM. That should be of no interest to you.

Will your BH post here?
Polygraph Testing

BH has said no to posting here. He doesn't want to air our dirty laundry in public. The lingering question was part of the polygraph, which I passed. But he believes I believe it so much I convinced myself it was true and passed the test. This one question is just a smidgen of the hurt I caused. I destroyed the family vacation when I called the OM during it (2 years ago).

I suggest you tell him that you would like to rebuild the marriage and be a great couple and keep the family united but that you will not fight him if he chooses to divorce you. That you love him and understand how cruel and horrifying this is for him.
That you will support his choice to either divorce or work on the marriage.

Then, be a great wife (no love busting, showing your love to him and the child) and cooperate with whatever he chooses to do.

You blew it and you now can not force him to reconsider. He will need to have that epiphany on his own.

x2

How long have you been married?

We've been married for 10 years. I know I blow it. I think of the awful things I've done several times day wishing I could undo it all.
He decided over the weekend he wants to divorce in December. We've been in the middle of remodeling the house and that would be enough time to save up money for him and finish one of the rooms. I'm just jumping at every command. Probably a dumb thought but I think as do as he asks maybe he will have an epiphany.

How familiar are you with the MB "love bank" concept?

I am familiar with the love bank concept. I have one question... I want to hug BH. If I do will that be a Love Bank or Buster? Same with saying "I love you". Can one person's love bank be another's buster?

Cheesie,

Have you read any of the BH threads to gain some insight into how your BH feels. I've noticed that WWs have a very hard time coming to grips with the psychological damage they have done in their marriage and often deny the issue or try to avoid it pretend that life continues to proceed normally.

I'm not sure that agreeing to everything he says and just going along with him will work as it appears insincere, and men don't really want "Stepford Wives".

Did you get tested for STD?, and did you get a DNA test for your child?

God Bless
Gamma

Yes I've been tested. No need for a DNA, our only daughter was years before the A and BH has not doubt she is his.

I'm reading some of the BH threads. Do you recommend any particular one? Yes I think that is my problem, I deny our issues and pretend life is normal. I am a very optimistic person and grab hold of all the "postives" trying to spin it into more positives.