Yes, we met while we were both separated and I know for a fact he was separated and living on his own. They had separated shortly before she knew she was pregnant with their now 17yo son - both of them have said the same thing. When I met him I was a couple months into my own divorce and he was about 7 months into his......the divorce was not finalized until after she gave birth, which was completely logical due to insurance reasons, etc.

Did we begin dating too soon? Yes, without a doubt.....neither of us had a real chance to recover from the respective divorces, etc. if that's still considered an affair, even though she was aware of my existence and I met her (I met her at her request), well then ok.....but not much I can do about that now. I had left my now ex husband and would not have returned under any circumstances. Neither my DH nor his ex seemed interested whatsoever in reuniting.....per both of them they had been having trouble for years and it was only a matter of time. Unless they are both plotting against me in reinventing history, their stories about what happened add up.

When we met, my now husband had been living on his own for months, voluntarily paying his now ex alimony along with the child support. He voluntarily paid her the alimony (I've seen the divorce papers and they've both said it was voluntary, so I know this for a fact) until she was able to finish the remaining classes to finish her bachelor's degree and land a job. He could have attempted to leave her high and dry financially, aside from the child support, but was on board with making it as amicable as possible. He and his ex handled their divorce substantially better than my ex and I did, by a long shot.

DH's ex and I get along well and I know the reasons for their divorce and have talked to them both about it. The 'myriad of reasons' is just too much crap to list that no longer matters.

History isn't repeating itself in exactly the way it sounds like you mean (no rudeness intended) and yes, I've been plan A'ing him for a couple of weeks and am now depressed, worn down and tired and about ready to throw in the towel and leave him. For me it's not so much he's infatuated or possibly having an EA or PA with his coworker. It's all the day to day lies and betrayal surrounding this.....I feel like I'm running on empty. I love the man and wouldn't want to lose my stepchildren but I'm about out of gas on this. Especially when it feels like I'm doing all the work. Add this to dealing with grief over my dad's sudden and unexpected death, recently wrapping up his very complicated estate, my daughter and older stepson both having moved away fairly recently - one of them across the country - I'm dealing with a lot of loss and now I might lose my marriage too. Dealing with this is just about too much.

I understand the questions about my SS2 and the timeline of my marriage and while it was too soon to date and begin a relationship, it really is not exactly as it appears in text.

For clarification, dating while separated is adultery.

So your marriage started as an adulterous affair.
Let's get that straight.

Do you see the problem at the beginning? A poor respect for marriage in general. He was dating you while married.

Now he's dating another woman while married to you.
Those are the simple facts.

I encourage you to separate from him. Go into Plan B and Do not date while separated.

We were both separated while dating, not just him. I understand about Plan A and B and haven't the slightest interest in dating anyone, but thanks for your reply.

So, there was a legal separation agreement in place for both of you?

Was he living in a hotel? Or had he purchased a new home for himself?

Do you realize that there was a chance for both of your marriages until you started a relationship with each other?

Legal separation for both, yes. Living in a rented house not a hotel. I was not interested in reconciling with my alcoholic ex-husband under any circumstances. DH and his ex were not interested in reconciling either. At any rate, these situations were a long time ago and I'm interested in my current marriage, not my previous as it no longer matters. Thanks.

How about a PI to get the goods?

You've been in Plan A with all carrot, for a few weeks now. A PI can get you the goods so you can expose.

Do the exposure.
Post your letter here first for review

I've got a list of PIs in my area I plan to contact next week. I'll be making the calls from work as to avoid my DH possibly overhearing, etc. I don't know if I'll be able to afford it but I guess I'll figure that out next week.

I do plan to expose if I am able to come up with concrete proof he is having an affair rather than just deluding himself with an apparent infatuation.

I have a VAR to put in his car and will be contacting PIs next week.

Get the SIM card downloader thing that allows you to read old text messages.

I think you're seeing the tip of the iceberg here. The VAR will probably give you what you need.

Good job on the VAR. So remember keep Plan A until you get the goods.

How is your Plan A going? No LBs?

Are you sleeping, eating and exercising?

There are nights I don't sleep well but that's been a chronic problem for me for years. Overall it's been ok. Exercise and eating has been normal for me.

I definitely have LB'd a couple of times so Plan A isn't going terrifically as of late. It was better the first week and a half. I'm emotionally worn down from this and am going to have to stop at some point soon. I don't want to end up sick. My dad passed away almost a year ago and I haven't been doing well physically since then. It seems since that time I've managed to pick up every bug and virus around. Don't know if it just a coincidence or what but all the same I don't want to get overly stressed out either.

Well, for the past month or so I've been aware that something has been going on with my WH and his 23yo coworker (he's 52yo) and I now have proof (via VAR I put in his car). I just listened to what it recorded this past week and WH has no idea that I know. I feel like someone punched me in the gut. This whole time I've been plan A'ing like a fiend with LB's only occurring nearer the beginning of Plan A. WH and his AP do not know I know anything....it's 2am where I am, can't sleep, I only listened to their vile recorded conversations about an hour ago.

I know how to contact her fiance' whom she lives with, at least via Facebook. I followed the Facebook info provided by Marriage Builders but despite all my effort, I've been unable to see any of their FB friends. I can see very limited versions of the AP's profile and the same for her fiance'.

I have no problem whatsoever with the actual process of letting the cat out of the bag and exposing WH and his AP. However, I am trying to find another place to live and with my three dogs it's pretty much means buying another, less expensive house I can afford on my own. I absolutely cannot afford to stay in my current home on my own salary but I sure as h*ll don't want to stay here much longer either.

WH has been looking up apartment rentals in our area on Craigslist (learned this yesterday evening via the keylogger installed on his laptop) and I'm afraid he will jump ship before I'm ready to financially. The AP makes less than 25K a year (we all basically work for the same employer so this is why I know how much she makes, our salaries are all public knowledge) and her fiance' makes over 100K a year. If her fiance' kicks her to the curb and she needs a place to go, I'm afraid she'll try pressuring WH about money and he'll leave here based on that. I need my financial picture to stay in place until I can get out of here and unfortunately buying a house takes some time. I do have a RE agent and I let him know there are a couple more houses I'd like to look at ASAP.

Additionally, I know I should probably leave and go into Plan B as soon as possible but I really have nowhere to go. My only good friend in this area is getting married tomorrow and going on their honeymoon for a week.....groom's mom is housesitting while they're away. I have family who are sort of in the area but not close enough to where I work to make it feasible.

Also, if it comes down to it, I have divorce papers almost ready to go. WH refuses to look for another job and refuses to end all contact with his AP. He has not even admitted he's having an affair in the first place.

Any ideas on what I should do immediately? I know exposure needs to take place and believe me, it's taking all I have to keep my mouth shut at the moment. Yet I also need to get a new roof over my head. FYI, I have almost complete control over our joint funds and also have my own account (of which he has no access to). His debit card to our joint account is in my wallet because he's never wanted it.....he's terrible with money and knows it, he has always been paranoid about it. However, his parents would front him money at any time or place, even if they knew he was having an affair.....I'm sure of that.

The parents should be exposed to when the time comes--you never know how parents will react. Some are supportive of the cheater. Some are horrified. It's 50/50.

Most people here don't advise the betrayed spouse moving out, but if you're determined to do so, here's what I think you need to do.

I would say take a little bit extra out of the joint account, a bit at a time (you're entitled to half of it anyway), and save yourself a little escape fund if you feel you need to get out right away. That could help with any funds you may need for damage deposits or pet deposits. You'll probably need it with the pets, because most places don't allow them.

I have the money to move out today if necessary (pet deposits and all), and I control all of our money as we have things right now. My paycheck goes to an account where I am the only signer; DH has no access to my funds. I want to buy another house, one I can afford, but I don't think I can stay here much longer.....don't think I can take it, honestly. I am willing to leave our home because there's no way I can afford our current home on my own salary. I also don't want to stay here anyway, it would only remind me of WH.

As mentioned already, I would like to buy another home but I don't think I want to wait it out here. I've already emailed the landlord of a house I saw online listed for rent, hoping the house is still available.

His parents would support him no matter what, that I'm sure of.

Even though I pretty much knew about what was going on (now I just know for sure), why does it feel like I was punched in the gut?

So your plan is to expose and then move out?

Why not expose now?

I have exposed to some this morning, not done yet.

I feel like I've been beat up.....

Are you following this?
Exposure 101

Who is on your exposure list? Whom on OW's side?

We understand how you feel and I'm sorry for your pain. Follow a plan will help.

There aren't many on OW's side (that I know of) except for her fiance and I haven't clicked send on the message to him yet. I'm also unable to see any of her FB friends, or her fiance's for that matter. My mom knows and some of my relatives and a few of his.

WH and his AP both have the same boss and she, the boss, is in the middle of an affair herself. Will it do any good to expose to her? His mom would support him no matter what he did and his dad just goes with whatever mom says. Dad recently had a heart attack and mom recently had a stroke. With my luck lately my information would push one or both of them over the edge.

His older sister recently split up with her husband of 27 years due to his gambling addiction and the likelihood he is also having an affair, the signs are all there. Looking back WH has always been able to manipulate them into seeing things "his way." I feel like exposing to the sister won't do me any good, they always seem to take his side in things. However, I do feel more comfortable exposing to her than their parents, due to their health problems.

Yes, I've read the Exposure 101 document.

I'm sorry you are going through this, 17. But you need to expose this to as many people as possible, whether you think they will help por not. You never know who will be your best ally.
Exposure needs to be done in as short as time as possible to hut as many targets as once and prevent the waywards from spinning their own story.

~RQ