Here's one of the articles about it.

Are Friends a Threat to your Marriage?

Need input on this one:

I currently go to work at 7am, sneaking out while the family still sleeps so I can get the work done and get home. I discussed with my wife once about possibly changing by schedule to 8-5 so I could maybe do my Bible study or workout before work (I haven't been able to hit the gym regularly in months, something I really enjoy) or even get some more rest. Going in at 7a usually gets me home between 430-5p, but we've been very busy at work so I've found myself working 9-10 and on some occasions 11 hour days. My workload is now slowing back down. If I go in at 8 then it guarantees I'll never get home before 5p, so I'd rather go in early and have the opportunity to leave earlier.
My wife had worked from home for two years after having our youngest but quit and now works as a stay-at-home mom. She demanded she no longer work since we were planning on having another child even though things had deteriorated financially for us and the new budjet would be tighter than a gnats rear; there was no POJA.
Since then we have discussed many times the possibilty of changing jobs. Some possibilites would have required that I commute both ways for an hour or more; my current commute is about 10 minutes and I come home for lunch everyday so I didn't want to pursue that line.
My wife makes not-to-subtle hints that she doesn't like it when I get home late- I don't enjoy long days either! After working through lunch to be able to leave right on time, I walked in the door after work on Friday to what I felt was a barage of LB's...

I had decided to run and get some movies so I called my wife to see if she needed anything at the store since I could get both at the same place. I grabbed a few groceries before going home. When I walked in the house my wife asked why I had stopped at the store- this was an obvious leading question, tossed out like a slow pitch down the middle. When I answered that I stopped to get movies she drilled me, although without yelling, about not having time to watch a movie. She reprimanded me for getting movies since I have not been looking for a new job or posting on MB. Weekends are my best bet to do either, yet last weekend she has asked me to get a movie. ---Along with asking me to get a movie last weekend, she pretty much demanded we buy new furniture for a room that she is re-designing. New furniture is not in the budget; we are both aware of our very tight budget because extra spending has been a great cause of concern and arguement. I knew she would continue to bring it up as she had for weeks until she got her way, so I relented and we drove half an hour to get furniture. By the time the weekend was gone, after tending to odds and ends things, I didn't get to my own list of job hunting and posting here.---
She was also upset because I got a rated R movie along with a PG movie. I wanted a movie so I could sit and relax. I got the PG movie for us all to watch and I knew she would not want to watch the assassin movie; it was for me. She tore into me about getting a rated R movie saying the I knew she wouldn't watch it (we both restrict the movies we watch due to sex/nudity, language, etc, although outside of the nudity I can still enjoy R movies).

I was pretty surprised by her reaction to my getting movies. I understand that she is upset about our financial situation, but she knew that in the beginning and she knows that I've been busy. She then also brought up that I had gone to get my haircut two days before and that I was going to mow the grass that night. I had told her my plan for both of those earlier in the week and it wasn't a problem, but now it was a big problem because I hadn't discussed it with her first?!? Both the hair and the grass needed to be cut and neither can be placed on hold. I have to mow once a week or the grass is so tall that it clogs the mower and damages the grass. Do I really need to POJA my haircut??

I've never asked or even expected her to ask if she could cut her hair or paint her fingernails or make the bed. As a matter of fact, while I don't even pay to get my hair shampoo'd after a cut anymore, she has refused to give up her pricey hairstylist who is over 30 minutes away.

I see a lot of DJ's and SD's here. Am I the only one? What am I missing?


In addition, she is getting advice from a complete stranger who has major maritial problems of her own. This arm-chair-therapist is telling my wife to leave me, yet she knows nothing about the totality of our lives, only the tiny slice that my wife has shared and even that is one-sided. Knowing that my wife is even interacting with her after some of her direct assaults on me is a LB. It hurts that my wife is not standing up for me- LB. Anything to say about this?

Zhamila,
Thank you for providing this article. It validates my beliefs. Dr. Harley changed the way he applies the word abuse "to make a point." He is simply illustrating how hurtful behavior can potentially escalate: "Once an abusive reaction is made, unless a couple does something to stop it, the "process" of abuse begins. The first benign form of abuse triggers a more hurtful response by the other spouse. That, in turn, leads to an even more negative reaction."
I can agree with this statement in thought: "If they see abuse as a process that begins with more benign forms of disrespect and demands, they can learn to cut it off before it becomes painfully destructive."
And in that regard, that is why it offends me when you or others say that I abuse my spouse. Maybe I'm being disrespectful or demanding or selfish, but calling those things abuse outside of a noting his illustrative purposes is like calling a cigarette a crack pipe, or a fender bender a five car pile up, or a BB gun a minigun. You can draw lines from one to the other and make intelligent correlations, but a bumble bee is not the same thing as a Boeing 747.
So, to quote Dr Harley once more, "I hope my explanation helps you see why I use certain words the way I do."

How exactly does trying to realign other posters improve your marriage, sir?

Does straightening out the MB forums increase your love for your wife? Her love for you?

To answer your question; yes, you should POJA your haircut. Yes you should POJA the lawn.

As for what your wife "needs to do," most good posters focus on teaching a poster to keep their side of the street clean in their marriage. That means a good poster won't really tell you much about your wife's behavior, but in helping you to learn to react respecfully.

For instance, on the situation with the furniture, your response is quite simply "I am not enthusiastic with that."

No reasoning behind that is warranted. The reason (your family budget) is irrelevant to the fact that you are not enthusiastic.

The next step is to brainstorm and negotiate alternatives which you are BOTH enthusiastic about. If this point cannot be reached, you do nothing. If either of you becomes emotional during negotiation, you STOP. You do nothing, and you stop discussing it until you can both remain pleasant, respectful, and composed.

Ship, my wife POJA pretty much everything. My wife cuts my hair but with something like the lawn, I'll say something like "the lawn needs to be mowed, I was thinking I'd hit that around 11am on Saturday. What do you think?" Do the same with the haircuts as far as scheduling. "The boys and I need haircuts, what do you think would be a good time on Sat for us to do this?"

If you don't want to spend that much on Anointed hair cuts, tell her you feel the haircuts cost to much.

If furniture is not in the budget, "I'm not enthusiastic about buying furniture."

I'm curious but why are there plans for another baby if you can't afford another child?

We have several lines of defense:
Accessible passwords for email and social media, etc
CC one another on emails to the opposite sex
Open policy for emails,texts, and phone logs
Internet filter
No traveling alone in car with the oppostite sex
No going to meet/eat alone with opposite sex
Courtesy call when we are running late
etc

Add that to our list, we don't have friends of the opposite sex. She recently cleaned up her FB again, removing all the males that are not my friends. The FB is technically ours now since she added my name, but I don't really care to read/update.

HoldHerHand,
I'll implement immediately, which will probably put a bummer on her remodel in prep for the new baby. I'll let you know if it goes awry.

Do note that there is negotiation on the table as well.

The trick is finding a solution you can BOTH agree to enthusiastically; that way neither of you builds resentment.

I do usually bounce things off of her, letting her know my plans and giving opportunity for any feedback. To be frank, however, I'm not to keen on the idea that even she would need to ask my opinions about every little thing. One of the things that I admire about her is her intelligence and ability to make wise decisions. I dred the thought that we have to discuss every little thing- I know I sure don't have that kind of time. We discuss things openly, usually sharing our plans for the week/day. I had let her know my plans earlier in the week and she had ample opporunity to voice any disagreements.

I understand the idea of joint agreement, but I'm struggling with when it should be implemented. Nonetheless, we are both implementing to the best of our abilities.

HH is right. The goal is to find a solution that makes you both happy. The default of "don't do anything until you find a solution that makes you both happy" is not the desired position. It is only a temporary position - 3 days at most - until a satisfactory solution is found.

You don't have to discuss each and every little thing. That is completely up to you both. You just have to never do anything that will make your spouse unhappy. For example, my H and I don't care what the other one does for lunch every day so we don't ever discuss it. HOWEVER, if it bothered you that she spent too much on lunch, that should be the subject of a negotiation.

Other areas would be things that have already been negotiated, such as food choices. My H and I agree on a brand of mayonaisse so that doesn't need to be discussed every time we buy mayo. You get the point.

With the movies, you had time to call her to ask if she needed anything, so you had time to say, "Hey, I was thinking about stopping by the grocery store and picking up a movie or two, if that's okay with you. I could grab whatever you need while I'm there, too."

Then she would have the opportunity to object to the movie, and discuss options. Then you could open negotiations about how often/what kinds of movies you can bring home without checking first.

I have found that POJAing everything at first works best. And it works best if both parties are willing to say, "Sure, that's fine with me, and hey, you don't need to check with me every time on that."

This is exactly right. This is how you learn what is significant to the other spouse and what is not. But once you set the standard, it becomes easier and easier and certain things don't have to be re-negotiated.

Ship, my H does this as well. From my point of view, he has independently decided what his plans are -- de facto deciding for me the course of my day -- and framed it with the same, "But you can tell me if you don't like it."

Which puts me at an automatic disadvantage in the conversation, forcing me to be the negative, um, Nellie, who is constantly saying no, having issues, etc.

"This is what I plan to do," with an unspoken "speak up if you have an issue" is very different from "This is what's important to me to accomplish this weekend -- do you have a preference for when I do it?"

It may seem like just a stylistic difference and that your approach shouldn't bother her, but if it does, it does. And it does seem to.

Oops. I accidentally posted as Anointed. - Ship

All,
I appreciate all the suggestions regarding POJA. We are working on implementing!

Can you listen to the clips?

I see a lot of DJs and SDs on your part, as well.

Change how you treat your wife.

Dr. Harley defines Demands, DJs and especially AOs as abuse. If you do these things, then yes, you are abusing your wife. If you took that article to mean he doesn't believe these things are abuse, then you need to do some more reading. They are abusive, and not to be treated lightly.

Dr. Harley advises women to leave their husbands if these abusive behaviors do not stop.

Trying to convince the board that these things are not abuse will not work, and will not help your marriage. I suggest you start concentrating on learning the principles, STOPPING the lovebusters (especially the abusive ones), and start filling your wife's lovebank.