|
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 3 |
.
Last edited by Helicon; 08/19/12 05:22 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
My wife and I have been together since 1982 and our sex life together was exceptional up until about 13 years ago when she stopped making advancements towards me for sex. Now I always have to do the initiating. Her early to middle 30's were a turbulent time. She starting changing sexually and turned against me. I'm 90% certain it was because of an affair, but I could never prove it. After that sex between us became more and more infrequent to the point where we'd only have sex once every 4 or 5 months, and it's because I became sick and tired of always getting pushed away. The only way I'll get sex from her is if I'm persistent and don't take no for an answer, which I hate doing. She'll give in, but not after I have to listen to her complain up and down first. It seems no time is ever a good time for her to have sex with me. It's very belittling. What I find odd is, when she does give in and we get going she can be very aggressive at times. Why is that? I have to assume it's because she's fantasizing about one of her past affairs or someone she currently has the hots for (whomever that may be). I know it's certainly not me or else she wouldn't put up such a fight. I don't think she's having an affair currently. She's become very religious over the last couple of years and spends most of her Sundays at church. Welcome to MB. Have you snooped to make sure she isn't having an affair? Have you read these? A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts Snooping is it Wrong? Or is it the Right thing to do in a Marriage
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,077
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,077 |
Welcome to MB! Here's another one you might find helpful: "The Question of the Ages: How Can a Husband Receive the Sex He Needs in Marriage?" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex.html
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Hi Helicon, welcome to Marriage Builders. The reason your wife doesn't want to have sex with you is because she has fallen out of love. Women need two things to desire sex, an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. A sex problem like you describe is due to a marriage problem. Turn around the marriage problem and you will get the sex you want.
I would start with the article that Zhamila posted and then get the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love. We can help you turn this around if you are willing to work this program.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[All the compliments I gave her, all the flowers and nice things I did were a waste of time. She would say 'you're only doing it because you want sex'. How do you win with someone like that? This is an example of a husband who does what HE THINKS will foster romantic love instead of doing what is truly effective. If a man, whom I am not in love with, gives me flowers and says nice things, I will feel like he just using me. Giving her flowers and saying nice things will not cause her to fall in love. As you have learned. What will create love in your marriage is spending 20-25 hours per week of undivided attention time meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. <----that is how people fall in love. It then takes 15 hours of the same to MAINTAIN romantic love. If you want to resolve the sex problem, then solve the MARRIAGE problem using these concepts. She said one time several years back 'It doesn't stay like that forever' (meaning sex and romance). This is becuase she doesn't know HOW. And neither do you. So I would get the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love, read it thoroughly and then sell her on it. She stands to benefit the most and will buy it if it is sold to her that way.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Well, you haven't tried it at all if "she never went for that." [affection] and if........
"The only reason why I don't is because I'm beat from working all the time, not because I wouldn't want to, but still, if someone is good in other ways it's still no reason to be so mean in bed." [recreational companionship]
In order to fall in love you have to spend 20-25 hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.
You have not done that.
And yes, conversation and affection feel very awkward at first. You have to keep at it until it does come natural. The time should be scheduled out in 4 - 4 hour DATES per week at a time when you are at your most energetic. [not exhausted from work] The most quality UA time is spent out of the house on DATES where you both clean up and look and smell nice.
You are right that she doesn't CARE. That is why you have to sell her on the prospect of being in love again and show her this plan.
She won't ever feel like having sex with you if you aren't meeting her other intimate emotional needs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Hi Helicon, welcome to Marriage Builders. The reason your wife doesn't want to have sex with you is because she has fallen out of love. Women need two things to desire sex, an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. A sex problem like you describe is due to a marriage problem. Turn around the marriage problem and you will get the sex you want.
I would start with the article that Zhamila posted and then get the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love. We can help you turn this around if you are willing to work this program. Thanks Melody, It's not easy to love someone who denies you and makes you feel like you're being used for money, the same way it's hard for her to have sex with someone she's not in love with. She said one time several years back 'It doesn't stay like that forever' (meaning sex and romance). After that I got tired of trying because after a while I realized all my efforts were for naught. All the compliments I gave her, all the flowers and nice things I did were a waste of time. She would say 'you're only doing it because you want sex'. How do you win with someone like that? Even my own mother and sister think she's just using me and that I should have an affair to let her know I'm not going to be a pushover anymore. Women like her will only change if they think they're in danger of losing that person, then if they truly care they'll come around. She so certain I'll always be here that she's taken me for granted as much as anyone can. I've tried a heck of a lot harder than she has. She hasn't tried at all because she's told me she doesn't care if I walk. Hi, Helicon, All this is typical feelings of a husband in a bad marriage, but it can completely turned around if you are willing to "prime the pump" and do what it takes to make love bank deposits and make a study of doing so so that you can improve your performance enough to be effective.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I couldn't even get her to sit next to me on the same couch when we used to watch TV together. That is boring and will do nothing to help your marriage. My H and I are in love and I won't sit on the couch watching the boob tube with him. If you want to attract her, then invite her to do things SHE ENJOYS. Don't invite her to do things she doesn't like.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Helicon, are you a groper?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
What will create love in your marriage is spending 20-25 hours per week of undivided attention time meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. I've tried all that too. She's not the conversational type at all. I've tried being affectionate as well, but she never went for that either. Try Marriage Builders.  I know, you think you've already tried that. That's what I thought, too, when I came here in distress, but it turned out I was doing a lot of things wrong. Go here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.htmlListen daily. Write the Dr. and ask him for help understanding what you might be missing: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com It's all free! This program works, when followed, but typically people showing up here are missing something and need a little help figuring out what they are doing wrong.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
I saw the title of your thread and it intrigued me to look
So you feel that you are belittling yourself for sex? Or does the way she acts belittle you both?
Stop working on the basic mechanics of the sex act and start looking for the internal and emotional fulfillment she needs
The advice from your close relatives is to shoot yourself in the foot . Having an affair will only cause more pain across the board
Try the program, read the books, and don't ask her for sex anymore if it is not consentual. You need to jump start your marriage, not the libido, that will come naturally as you figure out the rest.
Just like we all change I am sure she has had changes too, but she is looking for love herself, if she is going to church. Do you ever go with her? Let me guess. She pushes you away from that too..
If you both work together to change your marriage the marriage builders way, and that will take work and real change personally for both of you, making love will be done in joint agreement and can be enthusiastically looked forward to by both of you again
Get her involved in your personal life and healing
Maybe MB might be the answer she has been praying for?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 30
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 30 |
Helicon, are you a groper? Im just curious what you mean by "goper"? You mean like grabbing at a womans butt and breasts kind of groping?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
I shouldn't be surprised that it's men who ussually have a hard time dealing with sex and thinking that is love.
I remember being in love when I was young, and how important sex was to me too.
But there is such a thing as love outside of sex, or even without sexual act being involved at all.
Maybe your not seeing the whole picture, and your wife is reacting, because she needs more.
MB is about more, not less, love in the marriage. You have emotional needs that are not being fulfilled. It's really as simple as that.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and growing in every area is part of that commitment. Sex is just a part of life.
Reminds me of the Jerry Siefeld joke, not to make light of what your going through, but to maybe give you guys perspective..
"Getting married to have sex is like flying in an airplane to have the peanuts"
It's just a part of the journey, an important one mind you, but just a part
Hope you get it straightened out
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
453
guests, and
668
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,528
Members72,060
| |
Most Online8,273
Aug 17th, 2025
|
|
|
|
