Just wanted to point out that some of the very best vets are posting on this thread so I am confused about why you feel anbandoned? You have 2 or 3 who have even been through the MB course. So please don't feel abandoned. You are getting some of the best help the board has to offer..

Thank you for everyone who has chimed in the last 2 days. I have read every post several times and REALLY appreciate you taking time out to share your thoughts.


To all the vets who saw my concerns and I would like some help: Thank you. Thank you.


I don�t have anyone else in my personal life who I know that has walked in my shoes and can relate or offer advice. Yes, I have a loving family which gives me encouragement but they can�t empathize.

Specifically, my biggest challenges are currently coming in the form of how to deal with triggers in a healthy way.

W is doing everything right in my estimation. She monitors my EN's, asks every day if there is anything she can do for me, is very loving and proactive to working the MB program. I ask for her patience in my healing. She is very loving, remorseful�really I do feel very grateful for everything she is doing.

Dr. Harley would be proud of her. I know I am.

At times I feel guilty that I have a difficult time being enthusiastic about UA or meeting her EN's.

I do avoid LB's and AO's.

However....When I get triggered, I become very withdrawn. Triggers are EVERYWHERE.

At times I just feel trapped.

Trapped in that I know what D means. This is not what I want.

Trapped in that sometimes the waves of emotion, when triggered, are so intense I just need a release but there is nowhere to run.

Trapped in that I feel captive in my own skin and wonder how long it will take to feel normal again.

Is this normal? I know it is very discouraging to my W at times. I have always been a very positive person and I want to get that back.

Validation from others that have been there/done that helps....

Part of my problem is..I don't know what I don't know!


I am very much a problem solver and constantly look for solutions.

My thoughts and emotions since Dday have been all over the place.

I constantly ask myself 'what am I missing?" "what should I be doing that I am not doing?" "should we be further along than we are?" "Am I holding up our progress?"

It is like my mind is in a mixer sometimes....very unsettling.

Always easier to solve other's problems than your own isn't it?
lol

This is why I emphasized the UA time. Sure, you need to remove obvious triggers as much as possible, but the biggest impact will come from your UA time. Do you get the connection?

See, when you are happy in the present, you are not thinking about the tragedy of the past. That is why you need to MAKE yourself do this. Of course you are not enthusiastic about it now. But you need to go through the motions until you are enthusiastic.

You have been dealt a tremendous shock, 20, and you have to drag your body out of the ditch and follow the plan. Bring the body and the mind will follow. Get it?

The year 1999 was the worst year of my life and most people would have crawled up in their closet and called it done. I lost everything, everything. But the way I got out of that hell was to put one foot before the other and go through the motions. Today I have a happy, peaceful, productive life. You can do this too.

Do you have the workbook with the UA worksheets in it? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6090_step.html

If not, I would order it and make copies of the worksheets.

In the meantime, I would sit down tonight with your wife and plan out your DATES for the week. Can you do that?

Write out the days, times, planned activities, etc. Line up babysitters and get moving on this!

Well, we FINALLY found a baby sitter that we tried out Saturday night. It went really well. The kids already knew her and she offered to help out anytime we needed her.

This is going to really help our UA time. Before, we have been getting an evening out without the kids every other weekend.

Okay..here come the inexcusable excuses...

We both work full time. Our son has an activity 2x�s a week for about 1-1/2 hrs. With all the stress, I have been just drained by 9:00 when the kids are finally asleep. However, I quit smoking and am taking Omega 3�s for about a week now. I feel SO much better with more energy.

We are not getting enough UA. We both know it but are determined to get this under control.

Our anniversary is this weekend and we are both looking forward to it. We have big plans at the nicest hotel in town, going to a fantastic restaurant and then the comedy club. Until recently, I had been struggling with the thought of celebrating the anniversary but I am embracing it now.

UA Time ===Not nearly enough.

Another suggestion is to never talk about the triggers. When you talk about them, you make it more real and lasting. It is also an enemy of good conversation that makes it harder to recover.

I can do this. I must do this. You are so right. UA is the key and I just have to force myself to do it. I have to find a way to JUST DO IT even when I am not enthusiastic.

We just got the workbook last week and started going through it.

I have to be brutally honest and tell you that sometimes I just feel and think that my kids deserve the UA time more than my W. MB philosophy? Nope. I know it isn�t. I just look at them and find peace (well when they are not driving me crazy!) in their little faces. I only have so much time in a day and don�t want them to feel like daddy is not taking enough time for them.

I am fighting this battle too.

This is where you should focus because this is what will make the greatest impact, the FASTEST, in your marriage.

If I were you, I would move heaven and earth to make this happen, 20. This will make you feel better much faster.

And focus on getting time out - AWAY from the kids. Waiting for UA time after 9pm is not quality time that will make much difference. You are exhausted and it is too easy to get distracted with chores. I would plan 4 nights out a week and make up the remaining 4 hours at home.

The best UA time is scheduled for when you have your greatest energy, are dressed up and look and smell nice.

I am a corner cutter by nature and I am here to tell you this is not an area you can cut corners WITH. You might as well jump off the cliff and do this one right because it will determine the quality and speed of your recovery.

I can't tell you the times I have seen people cut corners or pencil whip their UA time and their marriage never improves. Then they conclude that MB either doesn't work or that their marriage is hopeless.

Can you clarify what you mean? I am using RA really well but I am realizing there are limits in certain areas of R.

Do you mean I should not tell her when I am triggered? or not tell her what the trigger was?

The BEST gift you can give to your children is a happy, intact, STABLE marriage. Your marriage is their WHOLE LIFE. You owe it to those little children to stabilize this marriage. They are counting on you!

You should view this UA time with your wife as something that is for them.

So take that worksheet out of the back of the workbook and make copies, ok?

I can totally relate to this. I feel like I am totally lacking enthusiasm for UA time, meeting needs especially SF. From what I have read, it is normal. We have been traumatized, badly traumatized. Our world was turned upside down and we are dealing with a new reality. Our concentration and memory are compromised, our emotions are all over the place, we can go from happiness to sadness at the switch of a song, etc. Man times I wonder if life will ever be normal again, and I don't know how to handle the fact that it might not be. I feel trapped as well. Trapped in my own head and broken heart.

I know one of my problems is self-control. I have too much of it I guard my emotions and the way I display them very closely. The sadness and anger that I feel is hidden deep inside. I have 4 children and can't possibly let them see that I am still dealing with hurt. That was traumatizing to them enough after D-day. I've even had friends comment that you would never have known I had been what I've been through. While self-control can be a good thing. I think it is also hindering our (mine and yours) recovery. I think if I found a way to constructively let that out, I would feel better. Kick-boxing, P90x or yoga or something. Perhaps that would help you?

~RQ

What does RA mean?

RA= Radical Honesty.

Meant RH. Typed too fast.

You don't have to be radically honest about every bad feeling that crosses your mind. Don't talk about your triggers and don't talk about the affair. It just keeps you depressed. It is an enemy of good conversation.

[/quote]

The BEST gift you can give to your children is a happy, intact, STABLE marriage. Your marriage is their WHOLE LIFE. You owe it to those little children to stabilize this marriage. They are counting on you!

You should view this UA time with your wife as something that is for them.

So take that worksheet out of the back of the workbook and make copies, ok? [/quote]


I needed hit over the head today about UA time, ML. You are right. That is why I actually agreed to reconconsiliation re: best for the children.


If it wasn�t for my children and wanting the best for them, I don�t think I would be doing this. This is why I actually agreed to reconciliation.

I DO want a long-term, happy, loving relationship with my W. That is what I have always wanted. That was my dream. I know UA is the key. I do get the connection�

Plus, the added truth is that I am not fully back in love with her yet. I do believe feelings follow actions but darn it.. it is HARD. My LB was SO far in the red that my love just evaporated when I reviled the reality of our FR.

I want nothing more than to be back in love with her.

Note to self: Get off your butt and get some great UA! W is SO enthusiastic about spending time with me� I know it would thrill her to be more proactive from my end.



ML, I watch you post some of the most helpful advice of any on this board. When I reached out for help, I was hoping you would pick up on it. Thanks a bunch. I really respect your opinions.

I am on it!

Appreciate it! I made every mistake in the book and took YEARS to really recover so it is easy to recognize when others are dragging it out too. I am convinced that playing around with recovery just prolongs the pain. I have seen some of the most horrendous marriages transform before my eyes just because they were diligent in following the program.

Valid point MSS. I see where you are coming from. Sometimes, I tend to maybe convince myself at certain points in time I am further along than I really am. In turn, I think my posts may come across that way when really.... I am not.

However later on, I realize that was just a �point in time� when I posted and was feeling somewhat confident in our progress. I can see how others might view me as �getting it� and might be well on my way to R and divert their attention to others on the board. I understand that.

Then, WHAM, I am back to reality feeling like I am floundering along..with a plan yes, MB has truly saved my marriage, but still trying to deal with the entire reality which is my life now.

That is why I come back to this board. To learn from others and incorporate it into my situation.