I was informed of this site/program through one of the first individual counselors I saw. I read through some of the forum several years ago and have just lately returned and read some more. I have read through wulffpack_girl's thread nearly in its entirety as well as some others. It is strikingly eerie how everyone's situation is different, but the "same" as mine. I see so many similarities in the WF's and BS's.

I am a BH. My wife and I have been together since early 2001. We moved in together in Aug 2001 and married in late 2003. We have one perfect little boy who was born in 2006. W began the first known affair sometime in 2005. Iwas told that there was ABSOLUTELY nothing going on with anyone or anywhere when I confronted. Even though I laid out some (not near all) of the evidence I had. Was a disaster. Never thought she could do it to me, let alone lie to my face when confronted. Story changed to having contact w/ OM (fellow eomployee to W) because he was having problems with his fiancee. "Friends Only". W agreed to NC unless work related even though they were "just friends" and had never been together anywhere outside of work. My W even quit her job after our child was born about 8 months later (Yes...do the math) and found new employment elsewhere. Again agreeing to absolutely no contact with her "friend" now that they didnt work together. "New" job lasted almost a year until the boss supposedly physically backed her into a corner. The guy was truly messed up. W walked out and quit and was immediately hired at the previous place of employment. I was not happy about the return to the place and once again reiterated no contact with the "friend". Agreed. Less than 2 months after she started back, I found out they were "conversing" again. I flipped my lid. Wife went to an attorney and filed for divorce. Told me I was crazy and she wanted out. We talked and the divorce was smothered out. Was told again that there was nothing going on and no one else. She actually told me that I was making stuff up in my head. Fast forward to 2012...I've always felt that my wife has painted me out to her fellow co-workers as an [censored] or lets them think that anyhow. They have seen how I question what she does, but don't know any of the past. A text that a co-worker sent after I had to go get my W out of a bar with my 5 1/2 yr old in my arms set me off! I walked downstaris and asked her if she would be willing to submit to a polygraph regarding what she had told me over the past 7 years. She caved and said she had spent the day and slept (unprotected, while on fertility meds) with the "just friend" while I was out of town in 2005. Obviously not great for me! Over the next several days we had discussions...she still swore what she told me a few nights prior was all there was to tell. In all my snooping over the past 7 years and up until now, I knew that wasn't the case. any of the evidence I provided, she had a story to build around it. Almsot a month and a half later she told me she had slept with the OM on another occassion prior to my trip. Had never ceased contact at all. When she switched jobs they were communicating via email and text. Even more communication after she returned to the old place of employment. Right up until the OM quit his job in November of 2011.

Things are not good. We've been to a MC that was horrible in my opinion. Wife even sat in the sessions and blatantly lied to me and the couselor! I have told her EXACTLY what I need to move forward and am still getting trickle truthed. How do I know? I now have piles of evidence, but have learned not to tell WW all that I know. She's become quite good at concocting stories that don't add up. I'm a mess. I'm lost. There are some WW's on this forum that sound (and probably are) like they are doing anything and everything to save their marriage. Mine is not. She will tell me she is trying, but I've told her what I need and continue to get stories. I've retained a divorce attorney and have made sure my situation is well protected should I make the decision to walk away. I don't want to leave, but what else do you do???

Have you determined if the child is yours? Have you done some reading on this site? Get a hold of Surviving An Affair asap, it will be like a road map to you. Do you want to save this marriage? Did you expose to everyone...her family/friends, your family/friends, her job, OM's wife if he has one, etc? Document proof of A. You can build a good M but only if both of you are on board and willing to follow MBs.

Is the child yours? Does she still work with the OM? Is she still in contact with the OM?

Also, is the OM married or engaged now?

BHF, I would suggest some things that you need to insist of your WW if you have any hope of recovering this marriage:

1. She leaves that job. NOW. NO NOTICE.
2. Polygragh.
3. DNA test to determine the paternity of your child.
4. Complete transparency - you have all passwords to all accounts and cell phone.
5. NC letter to OM, written by her, approved by you. YOU go with her to mail it.

Is this bottom-feeder married? I would suggest that you go with her on her last day at work (TOMORROW) to clean out her desk and speak with her supervisor. The two of you can explain to him that she is quitting with no notice because of her adulterous affair with OM, and that you certainly expect the supervisor to give her a good recommendation if she chooses to use him for a reference.

I apologize that my initial post was a very compact Reader's Digest version. I have limited time to spend on the computer.

I have had 2 paternity tests done by 2 different labs. One in late 2007 and one in late 2011. Both tests came back "Inconclusive". I am not sure why. Our child looks like my clone, so I am fairly certain, but the lingering possibility is still there that he is not.

I did a fair amount of reading on the site a few years ago, but need to brush up now. I will get the book. I have "Not Just Friends" right now. I read it and it was a very good book; wished we had read it even prior to our marriage. Wife has been reading on it off and on for about 4 or 5 months.

I ABSOLUTELY want to save my marriage, but there are things my W needs to do to help me. The initial suspiscion of the A was exposed to her family and my family. My parents know everything I know. As far as I know, my wife has only told her family that she slept with the OM on a whim on the day I was out of town in 2005. She has lied to everyone else as well. The OM was engaged, then married when this was going on. That marriage has since ended in D. He now has a child with a woman to whom he is engaged. This would be his 4th or 5th engagement and at least 3rd marriage. I did try to tell OM's W there was something going on back in 2005 or 6, but she absolutely refused to believe what I said and chose to believe what the OM told her. I have mixed feelings about saying anything the the OM's current fiancee. I have very good documentation of the A; emails, deleted texts retrieved off W's phone, phone call documentation, etc. Flexispy, GPS, text recovery, co-worker & employer supplied me with majority of email correspondence through work. I went in earlier this year and talked to her boss. He did supply me with access to the "logged" emails, however it is interesting that he left some out. I have other emails from the co-worker that helped me that the boss didn't present.

I am willing to do whatever it takes; W however has told me that neither of us need to go back in time...we just need to move forward...

See above for answer to your first question. The OM quit his job there in November of 2011. He lives and works in a town about 45 miles away, but has family and friends here. W says she has not seen or communicated with him in any way since then, but I've been told the same on numerous occassions over the past 7 years. OM sent a FB friend request to our joint FB account early this year and I came unwound on him. He had choice things to call me in return... I would be VERY surprised if they haven't been in contact at some point since then, but W says absolutely not.

Yes and no. You need to go back in time to get all the facts of the affair. Part of recovery is that she tell you the entire truth about the affair. The first step, though, is for her to end all contact with the OM for life and affair proof your marriage.

And I would most certainly expose the affair to the OM's fiance. This is a long term affair that has broken up one marriage already. The OM's fiance needs to know that your wife is her enemy so she can protect her relationship.

Has she ended all contact? When was the last contact?

OM is engaged again. More detail in my reply above.

Do you have a GPS on her phone or car? One way you can tell there has been no contact is for her to take a polygraph.

And I would most certainly delete the facebook page since that is one way he can contact your wife. She needs to eliminate any known method of contact, such as changing cell phone #s, email addresses, etc. That is all part of affair proofing your marriage.

If your wife won't take those steps, then you should consider separating and going into Plan B. I get the sense that your wife doesn't take your marriage very seriously. As such, you are headed for a death of a thousand cuts if she doesn't make radical changes.

Last admitted contact by W was the day the OM quit his job where they both worked in November of 2011. W had a missed call from OM on her phone on Christmas eve 2011, but still claims absolutely no contact since he left his job.

Could she pass a polygraph to that effect?

Maritalbliss,

1. I asked her to leave the job in 2005... she did after she had our child in mid-2006. She was gone for about a year and went back against my wishes, but she needed a job at the time. Had I known everything then that i know now, I would have left when she chose to go back with her complete knowledge of what went on before. I have again asked her to leave and she basically is refusing. Especially since the OM is now gone. There was another married man that she told me about through all of this that is also a manager and actively pursued her for at least a year. Was even "written up" by HR dept. for it. Happened about 2 years ago and I was never told about it until early this year. She actually went directly to the OM and told him about it.

2. I asked for a ploygraph which is when she confessed that she slept with the OM on only one occassion. I again asked for a polygraph when she said she had told me everything and she got very angry and told me I needed to trust her or our marriage wouldn't work. More lies revealed after that conversation. I still intend on having a polygraph done, but also know from my evidence that she is still not telling the whole story anyhow.

3. See above. 2 DNA tests from seperate labs have come back Inconclusive.

4. I have access to her phone and one email account. Not to her work account anymore other than filtered information through her boss. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if she had another email account through Yahoo or such taht I don't know about, but it would have to be accessed at work (all info is tracked by employer) or through her phone. We have no internet at our home.

5. I need to directly ask for this.

Bottom feeder is putting it mildly... Oh the stories I can tell about the OM. I went to school with him; not good friends, but it is a small town. He's a disaster. OM goes through relationships like toilet paper and has no problem cheating. Been like that since high school. He was even having A's with at least a couple other women the same time my W was involved with him. I have been in and spoke directly to the owner of the company. He says he oesn't condone it, but obviously is. He is just as bad as the OM. No one has been fired and affairs run rampant at the place. His actual statement to me was "well these things happen and its hard to terminate and replace good employees".

BHF,

I think you need a polygraph for your W, the problem here is just how twisted your wives stories are and the quantity of lies. Dishonesty has become a lifestyle for your W and that has to end.

I thought with a male child you could compare Y chromosomes and they should be an exact match between father and son, what did the testing lab do?

God Bless
Gamma

I have several methods of "watching" in place. At this time, I would rather not state what all of them are. I told W I would like for her to look at this site, but hasn't that I know of. I would rather not totally give away how I am getting my info at this point. I do understand that by doing that, I am not being totally open and honest, but why, at this point, would I tell her how I have come to find and know what I do??

I am not sure if she could pass a polygraph on that.

I called both labs and they said they could more than likely get a definitive result if a sample was included from W as well. I still don't understand what the problem is.

Is this the same boss she had the affair with?

I suspect she is lying about many, many other things and may be having an affair with this boss.


What does "acccess to her phone" mean? Do you have hidden spyware on it such as flexispy or eblaster? Because if not, having access to a phone is meaningless because anything can be deleted. She could also have a secret second cell phone.

You should NEVER tell her your spy resources. NEVER.