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Your wife is gaslighting you by giving you all the classic smokescreens we see from a wayward. She is rewriting history to justify her affair. She has told you all this throw you off balance and cause confusion.

The truth is that she is having an affair with the "friend." it is in all your best interest to expose the affair, especially if this goes to divorce. The worst thing you can do is help them hide the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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All of her family and the OMs family should know about the affair. Everyone should know. Don't help them hide the affair. That only hurts your wife and it hurts you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The other responders have provided some good advice, particularly considering exposure.

My suggestion would be to contact a lawyer and discuss how you can legally protect your assets in divorce. For example, would you be required to pay alimony? If so, how much, and how would your WW's adultery affect any alimony awarded? Also, do you have any joint accounts with your WW? If so, you might want to move at least half of the money out of them as quickly as possible into another account in another bank.


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Originally Posted By: Yuki



i hope i havent wasted anybodys time that really wasnt my intention i thought there was still a chance to save what we had but maybe i was just deluding myself



Yuki


What does Yuki want to do? Your WW like I said in the first post is treating you like a mushroom. "Gaslighting" you. Rewriting history.

You came on here for advice to try and save your M. The advice may be seen as counter productive or go against our best logic but when the advice is followed closely can lead to either M recovery or personal recovery.

I understand your dilema with exposure but all you are doing is informing family. friends etc. about the truth of the matter and asking for their support. Also if possible to use their influence to try and persuade the WW to give the M another chance.

Nothing vindictive or harmful in the truth. Nothing harmful about asking a family member or friend to use their influence. Also asking for their support IRL for you and your M can have a large influence personally or as a couple.

There are examples of exposure letters and I will post a link so you can see xactly what we are talkin about. Have you read any of them?

Did you save the FB photo of WW and her "Friend" that was posted?

You aren't wasting our time. You may be missing the best opportunity to wake your WW up.....


Exposure example letters


nESRE


Last edited by nesre; 08/21/12 12:25 AM. Reason: eta link
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as far as assets go we dont really have anything
we have a car which we are still paying for but she said that she has no interest in that since shes adamant about leaving the country
other than that we have about another 4000 or so in debt

and by now i am not sure tbh which of her 2 friends she is having the affair with anymore probably both it seems like friend 1 was just something physical and friend 2 is something more emotional

for the time being i am changing all passwords and i will look into getting a lawyer i really dont want it to go down this road but i am at my wits end

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i havent saved the picture yet but she is not exactly trying to hide it either theres plenty of them titled "a day with my best friend" showing her and the friend i know she slept with theres plenty of others showing her with the friend that she told me has shown interest in her with him being a little too nice in my opinion

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Yuki, she is having an affair with the friend you know about. The other one was tossed in to confuse you. Just expose with the information you have. You know they are still in touch so this constitutes an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Yuki
as far as assets go we dont really have anything
we have a car which we are still paying for but she said that she has no interest in that since shes adamant about leaving the country
other than that we have about another 4000 or so in debt

and by now i am not sure tbh which of her 2 friends she is having the affair with anymore probably both it seems like friend 1 was just something physical and friend 2 is something more emotional

for the time being i am changing all passwords and i will look into getting a lawyer i really dont want it to go down this road but i am at my wits end


Yuki

How is she going to leave the country without money, a job or a place to live?

Are you going to finance her "Happiness"?

nESRE

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thats what i have been thinking about too and i already decided that i wont
if she realy wants to go thru with the divorce i already decided that she will have to pay for it herself
and i am gettting closer and closer to the decision to go thru with the exposure
i saved pictures from FB i have the printout of the conversation that reveals it all she saying herself that she was having sex with friend 1 while at the same time she tells friend 2 that she needs him
i am changing every password i know of not sure what to do about the joint bank account we have tbh it started out as just mine wonder if i can take her of

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Originally Posted By: Yuki
thats what i have been thinking about too and i already decided that i wont
if she realy wants to go thru with the divorce i already decided that she will have to pay for it herself
and i am gettting closer and closer to the decision to go thru with the exposure
i saved pictures from FB i have the printout of the conversation that reveals it all she saying herself that she was having sex with friend 1 while at the same time she tells friend 2 that she needs him



i am changing every password i know of not sure what to do about the joint bank account we have tbh it started out as just mine wonder if i can take her of



Move at least half of the money to a new account with only your name on it. Most banks wont let you take another person off without their permission.

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Originally Posted By: Yuki
thats what i have been thinking about too and i already decided that i wont
if she realy wants to go thru with the divorce i already decided that she will have to pay for it herself
and i am gettting closer and closer to the decision to go thru with the exposure


i saved pictures from FB i have the printout of the conversation that reveals it all she saying herself that she was having sex with friend 1 while at the same time she tells friend 2 that she needs him

i am changing every password i know of not sure what to do about the joint bank account we have tbh it started out as just mine wonder if i can take her of


In a lot of exposures the sender offers to provide proof in the letter to those who want it. Keep this photo and conversation safely tucked away. You may need to provide it to some who don't believe.

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its not like there is a lot of money in it anyway ill just use what little there is to pay of a bill


i never thought that this is where me and my wife would end up
yea we had our troubles in our marriage but we have always been able to work thru them but now she just twists everything i say to make it mean what she wants it to mean
she asked me a few months before her vacation if it was ok for her to have an affair and i really regret what i said back then my exact words where "the only way i could ever be ok with that if i never found out about it" which i keep hearing all the time now as me giving her the green light for an affair

when in all honesty i was just shocked at that time and didnt know what exactly to respond to that question since it made me feel worthless and unwanted
she says my response gave her the exact same feeling
ahh im just rambling now maybe i should just go to sleep and cool my head a little

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Originally Posted By: Yuki
its not like there is a lot of money in it anyway ill just use what little there is to pay of a bill


i never thought that this is where me and my wife would end up
yea we had our troubles in our marriage but we have always been able to work thru them but now she just twists everything i say to make it mean what she wants it to mean
she asked me a few months before her vacation if it was ok for her to have an affair and i really regret what i said back then my exact words where "the only way i could ever be ok with that if i never found out about it" which i keep hearing all the time now as me giving her the green light for an affair

when in all honesty i was just shocked at that time and didnt know what exactly to respond to that question since it made me feel worthless and unwanted
she says my response gave her the exact same feeling

ahh im just rambling now maybe i should just go to sleep and cool my head a little



Yuki

Work on your exposure letter and list of who to expose to.

Post it here tommorrow and let others here help critique the letter.

Get a good nights sleep.

Nuclear expose this A and let your WW deal with the fallout when she gets back from vacation or maybe she will start getting phone calls from friends and family and have to explain it there.

You may be responsible for helping to create an environment that gave your WW excuses to have an A but there are no good reasons. You do not own any part of her poor choice to actually proceed.

Sleep well

nESRE

Last edited by nesre; 08/21/12 01:26 AM. Reason: t/o
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Originally Posted By: Yuki

she seems to be more interested in living her own life on her own without me or anyone at her side atm
which i cannot really blame her for she has always had to rely on other people her entire life so i understand her desire to live her life the way she wants while her illness still allows it
but at the same time it makes me worried because of her illness
she cannot really have a normal life as much as she might want it
and who will take care of her if something does happen to her while she is in another country?


WHAAT?! Yuki, she's an adult, she is responsible for HER ACTIONS, and she is treating you like a piece of sh*t! If you want to save your marriage - AND help her - you need to get a spine. You are ENABLING her to hurt you and you are helping her to hurt herself!


Originally Posted By: Yuki
she is dead set on moving and working by january even though i dont see how that could possibly work out she hasnt had a job in many many years


She's in a complete dangerous fog of selfish addiction. She think her affair partner will do everything that you have been doing for many years AND she very likely feels smugly convinced that you're going to keep doing that when her affair runs dry (nearly all affairs die within 2 years) and she trots home. It's called cake-eating - she wants her cake and to eat it, waywards are famous for this entitled, selfish, cruel mentality.

You should be making it VERY clear that if she chooses her affair partner over you that you're not going to be her friend, you're not going to pick up the pieces of her broken life when it all smashes down, you will start your life anew without her.

Originally Posted By: Yuki
she said she had been thinking about getting a divorce for many years now and that i wasnt giving her all the attention she wanted even after repeatedly asking me for it and i cannot fully deny that on the other hand she also wasnt being very specific on the kind of attention she wanted
she said that she is tired of trying and that there wont be any hope for us to rebuild our marriage


Oh WAAAAAAMBULANCE! You own 50% of the problem in your marriage but she is 100% responsible for choosing to go and get her needs filled outside the marriage. You now have access to the best program ever for fixing your marriage, you've learned about MB. You and your wife can have a loving, in-love marriage that fills all of your needs, but first -

YOU HAVE TO KILL THE AFFAIR!


Originally Posted By: Yuki
she still loves me as a friend and person but is not in love with me anymore and cant see me as her husband anymore


This is the phrase that is said by nearly ALL waywards. It's called the I love you but I am not in love with you (ILBINILWY) speech. Your situation is not special, Yuki. When people have affairs, they ALL do the same thing. They are like robots. Many BSs see them as aliens that have taken over the body of their spouse.

Dr. Harley knows this after coaching 1000s of broken couples, the MB board vets know this from reading 1000s of posts from people just like you. That's why following the advice here is the most likely way you are going to save your marriage. If you feel responsible for your wife (which you shouldn't and that may be part of the problem in your marriage that you will have to address with her later after you've killed the affair), this is the best way to help her now.

Originally Posted By: Yuki
at this point i believe that exposing her affair which seems to be over now might just make things much worse for our divorce


Yuki, do you not want to stay married?! Don't be so defeatist.

Originally Posted By: Yuki
i am just lost and confused now
should i still expose even though i dont think it can save anything at this point and will do more damage to her family, it will break her mothers heart and her brothers as well since his wife cheated on him before, than it will wake her up
or should i just try to get the divorce over with quietly and fast and try to move on?


Your wife needs to see that you will take extraordinary measures to save her and your marriage. She'll be impressed that you are fighting for her. Most women are. This rolling over and whimpering is not impressive at all.

As for her family being hurt by her behavior, that's HER responsibility, Yuki, not yours. You're still trying to protect her from herself. She is a GROWN woman, not a child. She chose to behave in a flagrantly irresponsible and cruel manner to not just you but also them. She must know the consequences.

Originally Posted By: Yuki
i hope i havent wasted anybodys time that really wasnt my intention i thought there was still a chance to save what we had but maybe i was just deluding myself


No, you're just too scared to do what it takes to save your marriage. This is normal to be afraid but listening to your fear will mean that your marriage will die.

There are many people whose marriages have been saved by MB. They are blissfully happy now, have the best marriage they ever did. Why? Because the BS got steely and exposed the rotten behavior to anyone who might put pressure on the wayward. Then the BS stood firm under the rage and gaslighting of the wayward, whose exciting little secret now looked disgusting and sordid to everyone. "I'll do whatever it takes to save our marriage, my dear. Want a drink?"

You can do it, Yuki. Don't let fear stand in the way.

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Originally Posted By: Yuki

she asked me a few months before her vacation if it was ok for her to have an affair and i really regret what i said back then my exact words where "the only way i could ever be ok with that if i never found out about it" which i keep hearing all the time now as me giving her the green light for an affair

when in all honesty i was just shocked at that time and didnt know what exactly to respond to that question since it made me feel worthless and unwanted
she says my response gave her the exact same feeling
ahh im just rambling now maybe i should just go to sleep and cool my head a little


These are very typical tests that wayward wives give their husbands. You aren't the first and you won't be the last. They often start talking about swinging and polyandry and all sorts of stuff involving other men without telling you she's already been interviewing and got her candidate. It starts out as a way for them to try to make sense of what they are doing. To see if there is a way to incorporate this other guy they have feelings for into their real life with you....but in the process it gets twisted into a "he doesn't care about me nor what I do". Of course, OM helps by backing up that feeling with comments that "he'd never treat her like that".

Add to that...by the time the question is asked the wayward wife often has her husband in a desperately lonely situation where he's doing and saying anything to try to fix/save his relationship and family. It's not uncommon to be willing to accept any crumbs. It's almost like...."well I'd rather share her than lose her completely". You also may even have the momentary feeling of "Well, if she's gonna make OM share her with ME that means I'm still in control and she still considers me her primary relationship". Obviously, that backfires as soon as she discusses it with her soulmate schmoopie.

After exposure one of the shocking things to your wife will be that you care at all. Fighting for her...even if you lose and end up divorced..will at least demonstrate that and you'll be able to move on knowing you did all you could to save her (from herself....this is stupid a gravely ill woman gallivanting around the world with a male paramour.

The courage is to be found in the doing. No one ever regrets doing the right thing.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - the interest in the second man is just a ruse to make you think she not really leaving you for a relationship with man #1. Just wanting to be single and out of any/all relationships is another common ploy.

p.s.- does she have YOUR credit cards...CANCEL all joint cards and get yourself and individual card. If she racks up debt "in furtherance of an adulterous affair" then that's HER debt to take in the event of a divorce. If you divorce, you know she'll likely file for bankruptcy and the banks aren't going to let YOU out of an joint debt no matter how you split it up in any divorce.


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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well i am 100 % convinced by now that her interest in man nr2 is more than just a ruse i think its actually her main focus atm
since she spend most of her time with him and even works with him at the shop his parents own

also to quote what she said in the conversation that revealed everything to me
tis is her talking to man nr2
WW: things were simple like in the beginning before i had you
the only other person i want to be with is you

theres also plenty of FB pictures of them hugging and even him kissing her on the head
is that enough proof to count as an affair ?

plus she already stated she will live with him and work at his place after moving there only as friends of course

now i have to figure out how to word my letter to the FB friends of both those men since they share the same circle of friends


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Dear friends of D and M:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of their friends should know the kind of persons they really are.
D had an affair with my wife and M is currently romantically pursuing my wife.
These affairs have almost completely wrecked our marriage.
I believe that their friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from them.


I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify all of their close family as well.

Thank you, BH

is what i have so far but maybe that is too simple

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Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I.
None of you know but xxxxx has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart.
To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that part of the resaon is that she had an affair with D and is now romantically pursued by M.


I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my love, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair.
Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

again maybe i am sticking too much to the templates in the exposure 101 thread but my brain is pretty burned out at this point in time

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Originally Posted By: Yuki
Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I.
None of you know but xxxxx has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart.
To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that part of the resaon is that she had an affair with D and is now romantically pursued by M.


I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my love, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair.
Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

again maybe i am sticking too much to the templates in the exposure 101 thread but my brain is pretty burned out at this point in time



perfect. I used this exposure letter and noticed that it uses the word "affair" a lot and that bothered me for some reason. I don't know, it just seemed too repetitive too me, but it is fine as it is.

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Originally Posted By: Yuki
Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I.
None of you know but xxxxx has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart.
To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that part of the resaon is that she had an affair with D and is now romantically pursued by M. Change this sentence to: To my shock, I have discovered the reason is her affair with D.

Don't pettifog the issue with some lie about some loser pursuing her. That is just a lie. Run with the affair that you have evidence OF. That is the entire issue. And don't say "part of the reason" it is ALL of the reason. The rest of your letter is GOOD!

I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my love, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair.
Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

again maybe i am sticking too much to the templates in the exposure 101 thread but my brain is pretty burned out at this point in time



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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