Tell your husband I want to hear from him. This is an anonymous forum for getting help when one's wife cheats and you need advice.

In some cases, divorce becomes the best choice. In many others we can help point him into a place that marriage can be great again.

He is missing out on something that can be wonderful: a remorseful wife looking to rebuild that which she destroyed.

We can rebuild this thing better than before. We can help manage the complex feelings ALL OF US SUFFER(ED) FROM.

I will say this, your desire to save this and you following the MB plan will help you greatly even if he heads to D court.

Ask him "Is it Ok if I hug you?", if he says it is then do. If he says no, don't push it or make him feel bad. Respect his need for space and time. You can say "I love you" but don't overdo it or it will lose its sincerity. Understand that your BS might not believe it. After all, you loved him before and look what happened. Words are meaningless to the betrayed, actions are what we need. Express your love in other ways than words.

~RQ

Cheesie,

I'm reading some of the BH threads. Do you recommend any particular one?

I think you get good insight by reading a large number of threads, when you keep reading the same thing over and over again you will gain an understanding of how your BH feels. At some point you will stumble into a tread which seems very relevant and you will have a lightbulb moment.

In my case it was when I was reading, I think it was "mrs_zonie", a WW thread and I thought to myself "she's so much like my wife" Some time later she posted about her brother fooling around with her when she was young, just like my W.

Did your BH actually tell you that he believes his DD to be his or are you assuming? I say that because we men often are reluctant to express our true fears.

God Bless
Gamma

I guess I have to say I'm assuming. He has never expressed doubt. I wanted to bring up purchasing the Home Study last night but was afraid it would set him off. He has already said no to a phone counseling session.

I ordered the online study. BH is not interested in filling out the questionnaire. Last week, I wrote him a note listing the things I loved about him. He threw it away. I placed it back on the counter and it's still sitting there. I also printed out the articles about resentment. He said he read all he could stomach.
Last night, I told him I was selfish and looked for the easy way out with the affair and did not work on us. I was not going to look for the easy way out with a divorce. He replied that saying I was selfish meant I had fun with the OM. And if I took the easy way out the marriage was awful then (tone was sarcastic). I'm not going to lie down and be a supportive wife and support his decision for a divorce. I think that's BS. He might be in a fog of anger and resentment but I want to be around when he wakes up.

I encourage you to be in plan A.
Meet as many of his emotional needs as possible.
It may be just pouring him a cup of coffee in the morning. But AVOID arguments AVOID love busters.
If you are running late send him a text. Be accountable to him.

He doesn't sound in a "reasoning" mode so I think I would ignore the negative comments right now as ANYTHING you say at this point will be negatively construed and fodder for argument. Just keep showering him with love. I wouldn't get the note back out of the garbage, if he wants to throw it away, let him. Just keep loving him...

Thanks for the comments. I will keep showing him love and avoid topics that will lead to arguments. However most these topics are the ones he wants to keep discussing The #1 topic is - how he should get 100% of the assets since he didn't screw up the marriage. We have a post nup where he gets 60%.

I'm not sure how I'd handle this, he obviously is speaking from anger. Don't agree to anything. If a person spends most of their life working and married and contributing to joint assets and then does something wrong, which they regret and attempt to remedy, should the other person automatically get 100% of the assets? I think not, and I bet the law thinks not too.

Cheesie,

Did you ask your BH why he can't recover?

God Bless
Gamma

It's been a week and from the discussions I've had with BH, I think he is embarrassed and stubborn. He's not sure who knows/assumes. He continues to say it's unforgivable, morally wrong and it's not in him to forgive.
We had some good days in between where we had fun and laughed. It was even nice after work, he offered to pick up DD from school and get her ready for her extra curricular activity. But later last night he bumped into a former co worker of mine and he was incredibly uncomfortable. BH did not know if the coworker knew of the affair and BH was "embarrassed" by the whole situation. He still has questions as to how knows about the affair. When I tell him I have to assume people that are "in" to office gossip knows or suspects, he gets mad. When I tell him the person he met last night didn't listen to gossip, he gets upset and says I'm lying to myself. He will not talk to friends or family about this. Again I think this is part of the embarrassment part.
I'm still waiting on him to complete the MB questionnaire. The coach emailed and called him but he said it was not a good time to talk. I'm trying to show him love and do little things for him.

I would quit your job to help your BH heal.