where is the plan A link Please? I see exposure link and this link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Does your 7 year old know about his mothers affair? If not, I would tell him and encourage him to discuss his feelings with his mother.

Another thing you can do is contact the OM's family and tell them what a rat he is. Have you exposed the affair to your wife's family and friends? Do they all have the correct story?

Here is a good article about Plan A: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

And here is a board members excellent recap:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

I already have tried plan A - that didn't work - she was getting her cake and eating it too - I have exposed to everyone but his side cause his side won't care - that's the MO of this guy.

I am now on Plan B which is secure the finincal aspect and protect the children.

Again her father did the samething to the mother and my wife had to take care of her little sisters for 3 years while her mother cried everyday so badly that her mothers eye shut.

So now this is learned behavior to deal with her problems - Now all I can do is sit back and wait for this thing to die a natural death and protect my sanity while it does.

Plan A should be done for about 6 months.


That is not Plan B. Protecting your finances and children should be done regardless of what plan you are in.


You won't know if they care until you expose to them. And that is ok if they don't care. Even exposing to people who don't care ruins the secrecy and fantasy of the affair. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is looking!

Another benefit of exposing to the OM's family is that it will be harder for your wife to show her face there with them knowing she is a common adultress who abandoned her children and her husband for her affair.

Are her mother and other family members supporting you? Are they trying to persuade her to end her affair?

My 7 year knows and thinks mommy is under a spell and that this guy is evil.

Yes - Her family - no one agrees with her to have this affair and they all support me - Everyone does not like this guy at all - but this is too painful for them to deal with - they know my wife needs major help but she is an adult and think she will learn a very tough lesson the hard way - Like her father did - They have done all the talking they can but this guy is majorly controlling her so there is nothing anyone can do but wait for her to wake up and see this guy for who he is herself and crash.

For me - its too painful to do plan A anymore - since she moved out - I just can't do it - mentally I will go nuts. that is why I have moved to plan B which is to wait it out. That I can do mentally and work on myself and make myself happy. I tried plan A for 4 months and it just become to crazy and stressful.

Now I am on Plan B for my own sanity.

I gotcha, that is fair enough. What is your understanding of what Plan B means?

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

So basically put - stay away from her unless there is a situation with the kids. I know this will end - and I believe it will in October mainly because of the time away aspect 5 days on 5 days off and this guy won't want to deal with all of this drama and finical aspect of supporting her and how weak she actually is will start to get to him.

So I guess my question for Plan B will be these
Should I try to be nice when in contact with her or strong or how should that go?

Should I try to be understanding during this time? I don't want to look weak or like a doormat. I was super strong during our marriage and Im a natural leader by birth - hence why I am a PM for the Gov.

I guess I need some guidance on what staying away besides the obvious thing - and staying away also protects me mentally.

Throughout this whole thing I have learned a lot of lessons - 5 languages of love - where I went wrong with communication - where she went wrong with communication - I have made a list of items I needed to work on and one for her where she has needed to work on - I know she will admit she has needed to work on a ton of things as well - remember we were married for 10 years.

Please advise on my stragegy for staying away and when we do have contact how I should be.

Thanks!

Have you read this?
How to Plan B Correctly

And if there is a situation with the kids, it should be faciliated with an intermediary otherwise the contact negates the entire purpose of Plan B. Plan B is begun with a letter telling the WS that you will have NO contact with her unless she ends her affair. The letter is important because it gives the WS a path back.

If you want more information about the nuts and bolts of Plan B, go check this out: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Please read up on plan B...

You don't have to be nice because you shouldn't be in contact with her. Period.

Exchanges of the kids should be done through your intermediary. Drop the kids in the driveway if you have to so that you can avoid contact.

You should be strong in you enforcement of no contact whatsoever. Do not answer texts, do note even read her texts.

Holy cow - that is a very tough letter (Plan B letter) I would have to send her and it would be very tough on my emotions to let her know all of this. I have been pulling away from her - I am trying to move away from her and let her relationship self distruct on its own - Letting her know my feelings like that is going to expose me to a lot of pain again.

Has Plan B ever worked without the letter? do I have to send one? Bringing all that back up with be extremely painful and I don't want to be sitting around looking like a doormat like her mother did for 3 years till her father's lover left him broke. Again my wife had to take care of her little sisters for 3 years while her father cheated on her mother. Just thinking about this letter brings me a lot of pain in my head and full body.

Basically can I do it without the letter? All of those feelings will cause me great pain.

Please advise.

I basically want this thing to fall apart on its own - a letter will be way too hard for me. The pain will be way too much for me to bare.

But the IM makes a lot of sense.

You can modify your letter to your situation.

Just bring it here to the board for feedback.

The Plan B letter is important because it shows the WS:

1: The path to return home.

2. Your willingness to work on recovering the marriage once she commits to ending her affair

3. Explains that going NC with her is to remove and protect yourself from her hurtful behaviour which is too painful to bare....and is not just giving up and throwing her to the curb. She needs to understand that or else she will just throw it in your face once the affair crumbles.

4. acknowledges your own mistakes leading to the unhappy marriage.

The Plan B letter is an integral part of Plan B.

I wrote her this letter a couple months back

Babe - I have been thinking about us and our family, and I want to share some of it with you in the hopes that we can continue to open lines of communication and to see our way back into each other�s hearts.

Diana - people, in general, are constantly growing, learning, and evolving. In a relationship, this is especially true. The individuals in a marriage will grow, but they will either grow together or they will grow apart. There are many reasons why a couple might grow apart � for one thing, it�s easier than growing together, but the happiest couples will always and continually work to grow together � to learn from each other � their dislikes � hopes and fears. At first, the work is very hard. They tend to try to compromise and neither person is happy.

For example, if the husband likes the top floor of a hotel, and the wife likes the bottom floor � choosing a middle floor is compromise and nobody is happy.

It is not until they learn marriage is a give and take, not a compromise, before they can truly grow together.
They will learn to give and take, so that their first vacation is on the bottom floor, but the next is on the top floor. The goal is the husband is happy that he can give the bottom floor to his wife, and the wife is happy for being on the bottom floor (and that her husband wanted to make her happy over his own happiness). The next vacation, they will spend on the top floor and the reasons for each person�s happiness are reversed but no less valid or strong. Thus, the family is happy and they grow closer together.

I understand we have slowly grown apart. I also understand my role in why this has happened and take full responsibility for that. I will do better� I promise to do better. I want to communicate more with you so that this never happens again. When one of us is taking more and giving less, I want us to be able to communicate before we reach a boiling point.
I also understand that your support system is not here and that takes a tool on you. I understand that shutting you out was not the best thing for both of us short term or long term and that that really hurt our communication - friendship and especially our relationship and marriage. I understand I that I might have pushed you away and that you needed to seek communication to express what you are going through and thinking.

The good news is that a boiling point in a relationship is often very temporary. The bad news is that decisions made during this time are ruled by emotions of anger, hurt, and frustration. The love we once knew seems so very distant in the face of such raw emotion� but I implore you to see that it is the very love we have for each other that makes the anger and frustration so strong and blinding. We feel betrayed by the one we love. You feel betrayed because I failed to love you the way you needed to feel loved. This does not mean I don�t love you, it only means I failed to show you just how much I do love you. This problem is temporary. Once we open up to each other again, we can begin to communicate about how we each want to be loved. I can love you the way you want to be loved when the time is right for you.

I wanted to tell you that our marriage has never been a box for you � stopping you from doing anything your mind or heart desires � limiting you from any potential or ambition that you might have in any capacity. You have my limitless support with anything and everything you ever want to do and always will - and I know you need to make your own mark on the world. As strong as this notion feels, and as important as it is - we can sit down together and plan that aspect out for your future. We can create a budget to allow you to do what you want professionally and I will support you in all aspects. I will do what it takes; it is my turn to fight for you and your dreams. Sometimes there is someone in the relationship that professionally takes a back seat so that the other partner can move ahead � I have always realized you have been doing that and understand the many sacrifices you have made for our family. I will fight with more conviction because you have given me my dreams� a wonderful family that shines so bright in my heart it makes the sun seem pale.
I understand you feel underappreciated, that I did not hold up to my promises to show you how much I loved you. I understand that I have failed to nurture you, that I have taken more than I have given. This past year, I have been neglecting the most important thing in my life, my family and my wife. This will not happen again. I will fight for you, I will fight for our family, and I will give more and take less. The point is that this is also temporary. With our open communication, I will work to be a better man, a better father, and a much better husband.

I understand that all of these feelings and how I have not helped has led you to potentially feel trapped. You feel you need to find your place in the world, to discover who you are, and to be independent. I want you to know that you are not trapped. Our marriage is not that box. It holds no boundaries on your dreams and desires � I have - and always will support you in any way possible with whatever direction you want to take in your life (professionally/personally) and I have the utmost confidence that we both will figure out our issues and both of us will move in the right direction - I can be your shoulder to lean on when following your professional dreams becomes too hard to handle alone. It is the framework that will support you when you are exhausted and feeling down and stressed out. It will always be full of encouragement and love. It will give you the time you need to find yourself while providing a loved one to share your new self within. Our marriage can be so much more if you give us the opportunity and whether that will ultimately will be together is always something in my prayers and in my heart.
Our marriage is also the framework for which our family can stand together and withstand the storms life will throw at us as. It will give us the lines of communication to support each other as we grow together, as I support you professionally with whatever path you choice to take. It will give us the chance for me to show you my support and to be proud of all that you have accomplished - to walk your path, and to eventually let us walk together, growing closer as the decades pass and our grandchildren envy the love we have for each other.

I want you to know that I will always fight the good fight for you because you are a very special women � mother and wife and want you to know that I take total responsibility for all of my major short comings and for you to know I will always work to be a better person and perhaps husband when the time is right for you.

I hope that you will read this and take the time to take in what it is saying � my hope is to one day we will both look back on this experience as a family that has grown much stronger - loving and happy in every way and can face in storm that comes over the horizon.

When I gave that to her she said when can we see the medeator for divorce. She basically eat it. That was the last letter I gave her. There were 2 more before that one very similar.

Since then she has become a teenager and moved out and is seeing this loser that no one likes and controls her every move.

That is why it has been so painful and will be too painful to send her the Plan B letter.

I have to let her go and find her own way now. I have done way too much and never deserved this. Never cheated on her or abused her in anyway or ever desirved this - she has way too many demons from her fathers past and everytime I move foward to her she moves away to him. So now I am giving her tough love.

Even talking/writing about this is extremely painful. I just want her to wake up on her own and so does everyone else. There are so many people that are praying for us that It's in the 100's and I have a cousin who is a priest at George Town University and professor who sends me special prayers and holds special masses to send us prayers.