Hearing success stories are SO refressing. Especially with all the heardache on this board.

When I first found MB, I was thinking, GREAT here we go, a plan, lets get down to business! We will be off and running in no time!

Little did I know that even with a plan, recovery is extremely difficult. I was looking for a thread of hope and I did find it.

However, as the good dr says, recovery is a very narrow road. Boy can I see that now. I thank god every day for giving me the strength and wisdom to deal with this experience. I do believe that he led me here.

I never ask for miracles. In my prayers all I have ever asked for through this experience is Strength and Wisdom. Strength for myself and my children to withstand the pain and Wisdom to make wise decisions through the experience in the best interest of everyone involved. I believe I have received that and in turn have made wise decisions.

I just can't imagine what my life would look like today, August 20, 2012 without MB and this board. WHEW... just gave myself cold chills.

You've gotten some great advice - obviously!

Just a few little practicals that have helped me with triggers along the way.

My first step is to seek out my H when I am feeling triggered. Of course, I don't talk about the trigger, but I just tell him what I need. "I need a hug," or if he's at work, "I just needed to hear your voice..."

If neither of those are possible, I refer back to some emails and texts that I have saved on my phone. These are things he has written to me since recovery started: things about his love for me or his excitement about our future - about his dedication, etc... Anything that puts a smile on my face.

Then, if my mind is still wandering too much, I get my brain busy. Sometimes this means a phone call to a friend; sometimes it's music to change my mood. You know the kind - the stuff that gets you all fired up and feeling good about yourself. (Everyone needs an "anthem," I say!)

There are other possibilities as well: reading a book, completing a task that requires you to think about what you're doing... playing with my dogs....grabbing one of the kids and doing something they want to do...

And, of course, I pray and call up bible verses that reassure me - or quotes that I love.

Oh, and I also keep a Logic puzzle book around. If everything else fails, I make myself do it.

You get the point: anything that engages the mind can work.

Lastly, there's always the opportunity to take those down moments and to use them to do something positive for your marriage: do something that meets a need of your wife's or work on plans for your next outing... especially if the trigger is something specific.

Hope this helps!

Sunny is exactly right! Find something positive to take your mind off the trigger and start training your brain to go elsewhere. I used to GO PLACES with my husband that kept me triggered and I would badger him about the affair when it happened.

Additionally, I used to [censored] and vent to my friends all the time about my H's affair and what a loser he was. [getting those feelings out! ] These actions kept me angry for years!

Your greatest enemy right now is your emotions so I would keep them under wraps as best you can. Rely on MrLogic to drive you out of this ditch, ok?

Yes, this advice is VERY helpful. How can I expect different results by doing the same thing? I can't.

I HAVE to get myself out of the mud when I get triggered. Usually, I just withdraw. I don't say a word but my W knows...I know she does.

My motivation just drops to zero during these times and I don't feel like saying anything about it or doing anything to make myself feel better.

What I pick up from your post is that I must start to take a proactive attitude and take proactive ACTION.

I really like your suggestions and think they will help me a lot. Thank you. I am going to print these up.

Starting today, that is exactly what I am going to do!

What are my options? Feel like crap the rest of my life and not R my M?

I said from day one of this R that I was going to do everything in MY power to do my part and be the best person I can be. I have to put my money where my mouth is. Too much at stake.

MrLogic is at the wheel now! Look out, here I come!

Again, thank you all so much. I needed this kick in the tail big time. Today I feel so energized and motivated to do my part!

W called on her lunch and I told her I wanted to sit down tonight and REALLY plan our UA time in detail. Told her I am more committed than ever to see this through and have a wonderful life with her. Shared with her the input I was getting today which was very motivating.

She was thrilled to hear the enthusiasm in my voice. Heck, I was thrilled to hear my own enthusiasm.

Today is a good day....

And when you go out, let each other pick out your outfits. My DH and I LOVE doing this because it ensures we are wearing something the other finds attractive. [just don't ask her to wear something slutty! ]

20Y, Hi! I don't post that much anymore because we're dealing with some serious terminal medical issues -- talk about a test! We're doing okay, as long as we continue to be open and honest with each other. Kinda puts everything in perspective. Our love has reached a different level.

Triggers are a fact of recovery and there's no getting around them, but you can sure get through them. You've gotten some wonderful advice about how to handle that. I remember one day early in recovery asking myself, PM, what the heck are you doing? I was sabatoging my.own recovery because I let hurt, emotional, and resentful PM guide my thoughts and words. One step forward, five steps back. What worked for us eventually was not talking about the trigger, that lead to talk about the affair, that led to AO, DJ, SD, et al., but reaching out for each other for a quiet hug, and just saying thanks, I really needed that.

Be prepared for this to happen off and on for a good while and beware when you hit the year mark and that ugly rage threatens to reappear. It does get better and easier, as long as you follow the plans. These days, its not ever an issue. Helping others also helps you grow stronger too. Hang in there, and speak up on here when you're in trouble!

Neat idea. I like that. We have a BIG night planned on Saturday night for our anniversary and this would be a good time to pick out outfits for each other.


We both dress nice but conservative out in public.

Now, what happens behind closed doors is a different matter!

Love your new attitude 20yr. Glad to see you're excited.

So sorry to hear of your medical issue. It means a lot to me that you would take time out to post under your personal circumstances. Thank you. Good vibes your way! ~~~~~~~~~~

Boy have I learned the validity to what you are saying about �working through� them not getting around them. This is such excellent advice.

And you are right I have been my own worst enemy in terms of sabotaging my own recovery. This is a learning process and think I am getting better at it. Your point reinforces the importance of staying in the �now� when triggered. This has been a massive struggle for me in the last 2 months.

I realized I am making progress when I thought my W knew I was triggered last weekend in a family outing to the bookstore. It ended up that she had no idea! I thought to myself, wow, you are making some progress! I was able to handle it without making it a big deal and ruining the day. By not talking about it and changing my focus in the moment, the trigger didn�t last as long and wasn�t as intense.

W and I frequently talk about how MB has saved our M. No doubt in my mind it was a godsend and has been the single biggest factor of us not only healing the wounds of the A but taking our M to another level of happiness and fulfillment.

The good Dr. is the real deal.


Today is a good day.

Great job!! Ok, did you sit down last night and plan out the REST of the UA time?

And keep in mind what the goal is during UA time: to meet the top 4 intimate emotional needs. Be sure and use the worksheet to rate the actual hours devoted to UA time AFTER the date. That will help you improve your efforts so you are getting the biggest bang for your buck.

Thank you!

This last 8 days have been HUGE in our R. In my mind, a giant step forward in our R.

Taking the advice given here and implementing into our daily lives has made a massive difference.

Also quitting smoking and taking Omega 3's I literally feel like a new person.

I realized I am making progress when I thought my W knew I was triggered last weekend in a family outing to the bookstore. It ended up that she had no idea! I thought to myself, wow, you are making some progress! I was able to handle it without making it a big deal and ruining the day. By not talking about it and changing my focus in the moment, the trigger didn�t last as long and wasn�t as intense.

I was motivated to have UA time last night. We planned out the next two weeks to get that 20hrs. I am prepared for down times and willing to deal with them. However, I am living in the moment which is now...I feel happy.

I am falling back in love with her.

Hey, I am a man of my word and absolutely did plan out our UA time. No way I was going to come here today and have egg on my face!

UA time looks really good over the next two weeks. Now tonight we are going to fill in all the gaps and plan exactly what we are going to do each night!

We ARE going to be a success story on this forum that everyone can point to and say 'hey, I guess the program DOES work'.

Again, I am prepared for down times but man I feel good today.

20year,

It sounds as if you are really making progress. As previously said, the UA time is huge. In our case, the greater the UA time, the less the triggers, the better the conversation, affection, recreation and sex. It all goes together.

My H and I charted our UA time for something like 70+ weeks in a row. Whenever UA time dropped below 15-20 hours/week, our feelings for each other dropped. It was quite amazing to us.

AM

I agree 100%. Every time I have felt blue in the past during recovery I IMMEDIATELY felt better if H and I spent more UA time together.

And being proactive about the triggers REALLY helps: not only does it take your mind off it, it gives you a feeling of control: that you aren't helpless in this, that you can do something about it.

Great job to you and the Mrs, 20!

Good man!!

Nice! This is huge, and will create a great memory for both of you! I was hoping you would agree to the weekend.

Have a great dinner, go swimming in the hotel pool...buy some late-night snacks - have fun! (No heavy discussions.)

We notice the exact same thing when UA is lacking.

Pre-MB I never connected the dots on the importance of UA. Actually, I didn't even think about it in this way.

Many, many marriages in our circle of friends have either divorced or are experiencing marital problems.

What really saddens me is that the first thing I see when a friend is having problems with his W is that they actually spend less time together.

Thank you so much. We are both very excited for our big night out.

Everything is lined up, 4 star hotel,reservations at a fantastic restaurant, comedy club then plenty of time to just be together enjoying each other's company.

(Triggers = please stay away this weekend) I want this to be a special night.

This sounds absolutely awesome!

If triggers pop in your mind, just force them out. One trick I read on here that was helpful to me that I forgot to mention above is to picture a red stop sign in your mind if negative thoughts pop up. Sometimes that's all it takes to redirect your thinking.

I hope you both have a GREAT time.

On another note, I really did not mean to offend on the other thread where I commented to you. You're doing a good job here.