What the Plan B letter does is a) tells her you love her, b) gives her a path back by laying out conditions for her return and c) tells her she cannot contact you until your conditions are met.

This is an extremely important message to give to your wife. As long as she knows she can contact you at will without meeting any conditions, she will have no motivation to end her affair. Having a pseudo Plan B without conditions is to forfeit any possible leverage you might have.

The fact that she is free to contact you at will gives her the feeling that she is in control of the situation. When you shut the door in a true Plan B and make re-opening that door contingent upon certain conditions, most waywards stand up and take notice.

But as long as she is free to contact you at will, you serve to prop up the affair because the subject can be about YOU, her evil husband. With you out of the picture, they lose that distraction and their horrible relationship becomes the issue.

From a strategic standpoint, you can only benefit by sending her a Plan B letter and REALLY shutting off contact. By shutting down, I mean not taking her calls, not listening to any voicemails, not allowing her in your home. Truly shutting her out and giving her a taste of what it will mean to be divorced.


Plan B letter from Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

needsomeadvisehe, the plan you are in, a little contact, is what Dr Harley calls "Plan C" for compromise and is the most likely to lead to divorce. You are just giving her the cold shoulder and all that does is a) makes you look unattractive, b) gives her no motivation to come back and c) keeps you looped in and severely depressed.

Giving her the cold shoulder also makes you an easy target for demonization and that is exactly what infidels need: a distraction.

Every direct contact with her probably makes you feel like hell for a few days. If you have NO contact at all, you will find your attitude and your health starting to improve in a huge way.

She won't wake up until the affair is over, though. By really removing yourself from the situation, you help that happen sooner. Without you in the picture, they will begin lovebusting each other and the affair will crumble. If you are an attractive alternative at that point, she may come back to you. IF she meets your conditions, of course.

Did you read Surviving an Affair?

Please read this.
BSs.....Plan C is not a Plan

Harley discusses Plan C in this radio clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2798

ML,

I have added this clip and the prior clip where he talks of Plan A and B to the Plan C thread.

Good deal!

No one has commented on this letter that I sent her a month ago -Please do.
Thanks!

I wrote her this letter a couple months back this was the third one like this I wrote her and the last one because she basically eat this later and said when can we get a divorce.

Babe - I have been thinking about us and our family, and I want to share some of it with you in the hopes that we can continue to open lines of communication and to see our way back into each other�s hearts.

Diana - people, in general, are constantly growing, learning, and evolving. In a relationship, this is especially true. The individuals in a marriage will grow, but they will either grow together or they will grow apart. There are many reasons why a couple might grow apart � for one thing, it�s easier than growing together, but the happiest couples will always and continually work to grow together � to learn from each other � their dislikes � hopes and fears. At first, the work is very hard. They tend to try to compromise and neither person is happy.

For example, if the husband likes the top floor of a hotel, and the wife likes the bottom floor � choosing a middle floor is compromise and nobody is happy.

It is not until they learn marriage is a give and take, not a compromise, before they can truly grow together.
They will learn to give and take, so that their first vacation is on the bottom floor, but the next is on the top floor. The goal is the husband is happy that he can give the bottom floor to his wife, and the wife is happy for being on the bottom floor (and that her husband wanted to make her happy over his own happiness). The next vacation, they will spend on the top floor and the reasons for each person�s happiness are reversed but no less valid or strong. Thus, the family is happy and they grow closer together.

I understand we have slowly grown apart. I also understand my role in why this has happened and take full responsibility for that. I will do better� I promise to do better. I want to communicate more with you so that this never happens again. When one of us is taking more and giving less, I want us to be able to communicate before we reach a boiling point.
I also understand that your support system is not here and that takes a tool on you. I understand that shutting you out was not the best thing for both of us short term or long term and that that really hurt our communication - friendship and especially our relationship and marriage. I understand I that I might have pushed you away and that you needed to seek communication to express what you are going through and thinking.

The good news is that a boiling point in a relationship is often very temporary. The bad news is that decisions made during this time are ruled by emotions of anger, hurt, and frustration. The love we once knew seems so very distant in the face of such raw emotion� but I implore you to see that it is the very love we have for each other that makes the anger and frustration so strong and blinding. We feel betrayed by the one we love. You feel betrayed because I failed to love you the way you needed to feel loved. This does not mean I don�t love you, it only means I failed to show you just how much I do love you. This problem is temporary. Once we open up to each other again, we can begin to communicate about how we each want to be loved. I can love you the way you want to be loved when the time is right for you.

I wanted to tell you that our marriage has never been a box for you � stopping you from doing anything your mind or heart desires � limiting you from any potential or ambition that you might have in any capacity. You have my limitless support with anything and everything you ever want to do and always will - and I know you need to make your own mark on the world. As strong as this notion feels, and as important as it is - we can sit down together and plan that aspect out for your future. We can create a budget to allow you to do what you want professionally and I will support you in all aspects. I will do what it takes; it is my turn to fight for you and your dreams. Sometimes there is someone in the relationship that professionally takes a back seat so that the other partner can move ahead � I have always realized you have been doing that and understand the many sacrifices you have made for our family. I will fight with more conviction because you have given me my dreams� a wonderful family that shines so bright in my heart it makes the sun seem pale.
I understand you feel underappreciated, that I did not hold up to my promises to show you how much I loved you. I understand that I have failed to nurture you, that I have taken more than I have given. This past year, I have been neglecting the most important thing in my life, my family and my wife. This will not happen again. I will fight for you, I will fight for our family, and I will give more and take less. The point is that this is also temporary. With our open communication, I will work to be a better man, a better father, and a much better husband.

I understand that all of these feelings and how I have not helped has led you to potentially feel trapped. You feel you need to find your place in the world, to discover who you are, and to be independent. I want you to know that you are not trapped. Our marriage is not that box. It holds no boundaries on your dreams and desires � I have - and always will support you in any way possible with whatever direction you want to take in your life (professionally/personally) and I have the utmost confidence that we both will figure out our issues and both of us will move in the right direction - I can be your shoulder to lean on when following your professional dreams becomes too hard to handle alone. It is the framework that will support you when you are exhausted and feeling down and stressed out. It will always be full of encouragement and love. It will give you the time you need to find yourself while providing a loved one to share your new self within. Our marriage can be so much more if you give us the opportunity and whether that will ultimately will be together is always something in my prayers and in my heart.
Our marriage is also the framework for which our family can stand together and withstand the storms life will throw at us as. It will give us the lines of communication to support each other as we grow together, as I support you professionally with whatever path you choice to take. It will give us the chance for me to show you my support and to be proud of all that you have accomplished - to walk your path, and to eventually let us walk together, growing closer as the decades pass and our grandchildren envy the love we have for each other.

I want you to know that I will always fight the good fight for you because you are a very special women � mother and wife and want you to know that I take total responsibility for all of my major short comings and for you to know I will always work to be a better person and perhaps husband when the time is right for you.

I hope that you will read this and take the time to take in what it is saying � my hope is to one day we will both look back on this experience as a family that has grown much stronger - loving and happy in every way and can face in storm that comes over the horizon.

needsomeadvisehere.

You were advised to write a Plan B letter now (in the present). This letter from a month ago does not hit on any of the points that an effective Plan B letter needs to address. It is not a Plan B letter.

MelodyLane posted a template for an effective Plan B letter.

Can you write one and post it for feedback? It should not be long and full of fluff. Again, look at the sample letter previously posted to you. Are you going to go dark and do a proper Plan B...if not your letter will be pointless.

Thats not really a Plan B letter. Basically it is a lecture that will only serve to push her away. Our suggestion is to send her a Plan B letter telling her there will be no contact until she meets your conditions.

Ok do Plan B letters work? what is the success rate please.

The purpose of Plan B is to protect the BS from the emotional trauma of the affair. So it's success rate is 100% in that aspect. It can have the effect of pulling a WS off the fence but that is no guarantee. It does give you a much better chance of reconciliation than the plan you are in, "plan c."

The letter serves an important purpose in that it gives the WS a path back and sets conditions for return. Your spouse can't know your conditions if you dont tell her, though. The plan that you are using now, the cold shoulder, only serves to make You look unattractive and increases yOur chance of divorce, as Dr Harley stated.

Thank you for the reply - My emotional trauma is actually pretty good now - I am talking to other people trying to put her out of my head - I know one day we will be back together like her parents have done and are still back together - but the letter for plan B is too easy of a route for her - I feel as if she betrayed so much and hurt so many and I tried so hard that that letter is an easy way out for her - she must leanr her lesson the hard way. This inlove feeling that she thinks she has - mind you the guy took her jewerely - real trust there - will fade quickly - he will get bored of her with 2 little kids and all the drama - he got his prize and made his damage known - he will get his in the end via the Lord and Karama - that is for sure. She must now learn a very deep and hard lesson like her father - and she will end up crying everyday for what she once had like her mother. That is what I want and that is my vision - has anyone ever read the book called the secret - that's my vision for her.

Putting her out of your head is the whole point with Plan B. You obviously can't do that successfully if you stay in contact, can you?

The plan b letter is not "easy," it gives her conditions. Your way is easy because You have NO conditions, no plan, no nothing. She can contact you at will any time she chooses.

Your plan isn't strategic and, as yOu can see, not effective In any sense.

If you don't want to take the advice of people who have saved their marriages, that is fine. I will move on. Best of luck to you.

"- and she will end up crying everyday for what she once had like her mother. That is what I want and that is my vision - has anyone ever read the book called the secret - that's my vision for her."

I think we were under the impression that you were here to try to save your marriage like we did. That is OUR vision on Marriage Builders. Your vision is retribution, which will not attract her back.

Good responses I will take it into consideration - its a tough pill to swallow given the emotions it will bring back up - I completel agree with the cutting them off part - its the letter that brings me pain to write - that one I have to truely think over.

But the cutting them off completley is something I will do - I just have to wait for the opportunity via a text or email that she sends then my response to never send me anything but to send it to this friend that we will have no more contact from this point on until you stop seeing this other person.

What do u think of that? its not a long letter but it gets to the point.

I would write her a letter giving those conditions and either email it or mail it. But you have to shut off contact after that so she can't get through. That means changi g your email address, blocking her,etc. it will be up to youth make sure she can't get through.

Do. You have someone who could be an IM for you?

I'm no lawyer, but I'd be holding out for supervised visitation only. Your kids are being exposed to a guy who has no qualms about boinking married women; perhaps he has no qualms about fooling around with little kids, too, eh?

I'd be fighting like hell with every legal tool at my disposal to keep her & him the hell away from the children. I'd have my lawyer stonewalling and delaying and making it cost her. I'd be subpoenaing every e-mail, every character witness, every upwind fart this guy ever let, in order to ascertain whether he's suitable for your kids to be around. I'd be getting his testimony on-record & nailed to the wall for possible future reference. I would fight for my kids so that they wouldn't have to be exposed to her slutty lifestyle any more than is necessary, and not resign myself to using them as mere tools in hopes of annoying him enough to end the affair.

God forbid they should grow up thinking that this is an OK way to be, and God forbid that one day they should grow to resent you for not having fought harder to keep them from it.

Now maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the law is really stacked against fathers. Maybe you've tried all the above and don't have it in you to do more. Maybe the legal advice you've gotten is ironclad & sound, and maybe your lawyer is more interested in getting you the best deal than in burnishing his reputation for being chummy with other lawyers on the family-law circuit that they all frequent. But I'd want to know at the end of the day that I'd fought my damnedest for right.

Needsome,

Please listen to Melodylane and GloveOil. Great advice.

Do you really want to save your marriage? A lot of what you're doing seems like plan FU, which equals plan D. Believe me, I know.

Stop with the vindictiveness toward WW. Stop trying to educate WW. Stop bashing the loser OM to WW. This only makes her want to defend him.

Deep down she already knows he's a scumbag. Deep down she already knows it will all fall apart. Stop telling her what she already knows.

Write the plan B letter�it's a love letter, with conditions for her to return�and post it here for feedback.

Then after we help you revise it. You give it to her and go to a dark plan B.

That means, you give her the letter and cut her off completely. You meet none of her needs. No intimate communication. No affection. No financial support. Nothing.

OM can't meet all her needs.

Reality will set in.

The affair will crumble.

Is that what you want?

Or do you want a divorce? Since she already filed, that's where you're heading.

The road to success is very narrow. Stick to it.

TE