Brainhurts,

ua time is where we are sorely lacking. i know we are not getting the 15 necessary hours. we recently found a new babysitter (the previous one ended up not working out, it was short lived) and hoping that will help out getting the ua time. for the past couple months, when we do spend time together at home, it is usually playing card games or talking about our marriage. when we do go out, it is usually dinner. we have went out for drinks and bowling. i just got tickets to a comedy show that we will put to use soon. sometimes he is not enthusiastic about spending time with me. i can tell he is going through the motions. he has canceled a date night in the past.

his top 2 needs are OH and IC. i am trying to be a more open person. that is something i am working on. im a quiet person and it is a struggle for me to be more talkative. i am trying. seems like a slow process. i have come a long way but still have a long way to go. tomorrow i am ordering something that i think will help with our conversations. it is conversation started cards for couples. as to my honesty, i know i am being honest but i know it is something my husband does not know 100%. i have put myself in the position where he cannot trust what i say. i feel i am being as transparent as possible but he says it is not 100% unless we are together 24/7 which i do understand his point.

my top need is affection. he has a hard time with it. and i don't want him to give me affection if it isnt for real. i understand why he has a hard time.

Clearmind,

Did you ever offer to take a polygraph or get DNA testing for your children?

God Bless
Gamma

gamma,

i have offered several times. the first time (last year), he asked me how was i going to pay for it. he said he wasn't going to finance it. within the past 2 months, i have offered twice. he shrugged both times and said "i dont know".

as to the DNA, the paternity of the kids were never in question.

i have a question about ep's. i have read in an old post, i think it was herpapabear, that you should never have a 1 on 1 meeting with the opposite sex. is that from dr. harley, or is that from herpapabear?

that issue has recently come up with me and my husband. he was asked to a coffee meeting with someone of the opposite sex. in his work, he does have some interactions with females.



i am the fww and not sure what dr. harley would suggest. i have had a couple meetings with my boss (my performance eval and meeting regarding my frequent texting at work). does that count?

Dr. Harley himself will not coach with a female by himself. He will only take couples.

HPB added it to his list of EPs.

Are you asking if it's ok for 20year to do this? And You're wondering if you should?

Also what would make you and 20years comfortable? Have you POJA?

Do you have personal conversations with your boss?

Did you read the advice 20year received about this on his thread?

brainhurts,

I am asking that question because 20year was asked to have a coffee meeting with a female. I told him that I think that is a violation of ep's. that there should be no one on one meetings with the opposite sex. he said he understood it to be no personal conversations. he said I have one on one meetings with my boss. I never thought of it that way. he said he didn't have any issue with me and my boss though. (we do not have personal conversations. my boss is also aware of my infidelity). I trust my husband but I keep coming back to Harley saying that everyone is wired to have an affair and that precautions should be in place.

that is why I asked if that ep came from Harley or herpapabear.

as to melodylanes response, I wasn't sure if coffee meeting would be included with lunch and dinner.

In my marriage, this type of coffee meeting would be a violation of the EP. Why? - because one is alone with a member of the opposite sex. It doesn't really matter what the purpose of the meeting is. If the meeting goes well, LB deposits will be made. Rather than 20year having his meeting, maybe you should not be having private meetings with your boss. That is how my wife had her affair. Now, she can not have an opposite-sex supervisor.

It is the broad interpretation of this EP that makes it extraordinary. If there were lots of exceptions, it would just be an ordinary precaution.

Here's a good clip on EPs.

Radio Clip on EPs

Clearmind. If my DH came to me with that scenario, I would be wondering about the boundaries of a woman who would be open to a "coffee meeting." To me it represents poor boundaries on her part. That makes her dangerous.

This meeting would also set a precedence for more one on one OS meetings and out of office interactions.

brainhurts,
i will listen to this clip when i get home from work. in the past, before i knew about the marriage builders program, i would not have even thought twice about this meeting. i completely trust my husband. i dont want him to have to not do something for work when i was the wayward. the extraordinary cautions are mainly for me. i dont want him to have any more repercussions because of something that i did. but as my husband has pointed out, i have had meetings with my boss, so isnt that the same thing. not sure how i should feel about all this. i dont want anymore undue hardship on my husband.

Would it bother you for your husband to go to a coffee meeting with a woman? If it bothers you, he should not go.

Policy of Joint Agreement: Do not do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse.

If it bothers you for him to go, and he goes anyway, he would be gaining at your expense.

Personally, I would not want my husband going to such a meeting. It sounds too much like a date to me.

I don't get what a "coffee meeting" is. In my job, when I go to talk someone, I decide for myself whether I'm carrying coffee or not. (More likely a soda, actually!) And we definitely wouldn't leave the office to do work, like, say, two people go to Starbucks alone, if that's what this means.

On the other hand, when I bring Prisca a coffee, it makes major love bank deposits. So I would not tend to share coffee with a woman.

Do you feel, in your GUT, a feeling of ENTHUSIASM for your husband having coffee with the woman? Do you look forward to the benefits it will bring you?

If not, you are not enthusiastic, and he should find something else to do. There are plenty of things to do. (Like, say, get some work done. Skipping meetings altogether is usually a great way to get work done, at least at my office.)

It sounds like this meeting is bothering you, or you wouldn't be questioning it. Am I right?

POJA applies here, so you don't need to debate whether it is an EP or not. "I'm not comfortable with you having coffee with her, Dear" should be enough.

BAD IDEA...trust me. My husband and I are in a bad place right now because of this very thing. He recently revealed to me that he has gone on many "business lunches" alone with female coworkers and lied to me about it because he knew I would be upset. He also travels a lot on business and has told me that "nothing happened" but he has aslo gone to clubs with a group of coworkers while traveling on business. It has caused so much distrust because I feel as if he was practically welcoming an affair. There is no reason business matters need to be discussed outside of the office. It just causes so many problems that trust me you don't want. In my husbands industry it requires him to travel often. He is now looking for other career options due to all the trouble that this has caused. Avoid it at all cost. I know business lunches and dinner meetings are common practice in the corporate environment but its like poison to a marriage.

This 'coffee meeting' is getting blown way out of proportion. Some of you make it sound like it is an underhanded attempt by me to have a secret rendezvous. Ridiculous.

I asked her straight up how she felt and always do.

I am a business development director with a major engineering firm and interface with both males/females daily and have for YEARS. The meeting in question is to discuss a major project pending in which this person is my main point of contact and liaison.

Over coffee, in an office, whatever..it is impossible for me to do my job without interfacing with people of all walks of life. I know my boundaries and stick to them.

We have establish boundaries in which I don't (and have no desire) to discuss personal matters with anyone of the opposite sex.

IMO, this is POJA issue between Clearmind and myself.

You are all entitled to your opinions and we respect them.
Thanks for weighing in. If clearmind isn�t comfortable with it, no problem. I will find another way to accomplish the same goal in a different way. End of story.

No, it's not.

I didn't see that.

So you won't be having coffee?

Let me suggest a modification to your post:


The rest of what you said implies that, if Clearmind feels strongly about the subject, she's mistaken and is blowing things out of proportion. That would be really disrespectful to her. She may well find that her feelings go back and forth between "no big deal" and "huge major deal," and I assure you that when she thinks "huge major deal," she is NOT blowing it out of proportion.

The rest of your post is all about subtly explaining why Clearmind should feel that this is no problem. It's a disrespectful lecture.