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Joined: Aug 2012
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2012
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My husband and I are recovering from an affair that ended 18 months ago. Recovery seems to be stalled due to triggers. It seems everywhere we go there is a trigger that reminds him of the affair and fills him with anxiety. Triggers include local store owned by affair partner (4 blocks from our house), golf driving range, shopping center, car dealer, previous employer, ex co-workers, driving across town, just about everything.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 230
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Joined: Jun 2011
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I would move to another location. The triggers still bother me and I so wish we could move, but unfortunately I'm in the military and don't have that option. But it seems that moving really helps with triggers and a relapse into the affair again. Good luck.
WW-30
Me BH-35
OM-1 EA/PA for 2.5 yrs
OM-2 EA/PA 3 mos
Married since Nov 2002
DDay-April 4th, 2011, DD#2-four days later
DD-3
Working on recovery
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Dr. Harley recommends that you move. Moving is imperative. You cannot stay in this area and expect to recover.
Has your husband posted here?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,535 Likes: 9
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,535 Likes: 9 |
My husband and I are recovering from an affair that ended 18 months ago. Recovery seems to be stalled due to triggers. It seems everywhere we go there is a trigger that reminds him of the affair and fills him with anxiety. Triggers include local store owned by affair partner (4 blocks from our house), golf driving range, shopping center, car dealer, previous employer, ex co-workers, driving across town, just about everything. The affair happened in your town, at the golf driving range among other places. You apparently work just a block or two from OM's home. (It was the "golf driving range" detail that clued me in that your H posts on this forum.) You'll get the same advice that he's been getting from us for weeks: MOVE.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
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BeeBalm, your affair didn't "happen." You caused it. Your use of the passive voice is unseemly. Try using the active voice that acknowledges ownership of your choices. It won't solve your husband's trigger problems, but it can't hurt.
As to the trigger problems, 4 blocks away?
Move.
I'm a guy who had an affair, but who happens to have helped to save my marriage. If you want to know some things that work, and some things that don't, I can tell you.
I'd be interested in what other Extraordinary Precautions you have taken. But with the OM that close, and reminders a constant presence, moving is the most important & decisive step you both can take in order to demonstrate to your husband that you are serious about building a better marriage than what you had before the affair.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4 |
Another good clip about moving after an affair. Radio clip on moving locations after an affair
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
My husband and I are recovering from an affair that ended 18 months ago. Recovery seems to be stalled due to triggers. It seems everywhere we go there is a trigger that reminds him of the affair and fills him with anxiety. Triggers include local store owned by affair partner (4 blocks from our house), golf driving range, shopping center, car dealer, previous employer, ex co-workers, driving across town, just about everything. Are you the wayward spouse? What have you done to help your betrayed husband? What have the two of you done to recover your marriage? It sounds like you had the affair. Who is the OM? Do you work together?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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