Are you not FURIOUS that this woman is actively supporting the destruction of your marriage???

Okay, don't give her the bum's rush if she's actually leaving by, like, the end of the week. But don't add to the dysfunction of this by not telling her how dismayed you are by her support of the death of HER GRANDCHILDRENS' FAMILY (stress this, because she obviously doesn't have your childrens' best interest in mind). And you can also let her know that, although she supports the destruction of HER GRANDCHILDRENS' FAMILY, you do NOT plan to sit idly by and ruin their lives and the lives of you and HER DAUGHTER. (She doesn't get that it's going to ruin her daughter's life, either.)

Again: make sure your wife is clear that she's not taking the children from their home. Let her know she's going to have a fight on her hands. That could be a game-changer.

I agree with MaritalBliss re: your MIL - It's ok to be upset about her influence. But MORE THAN THIS, your wife is not your ally at this point. She has already told you she's "out." If you act like a jerk to your wife's mom, or start demanding she leave THIS INSTANT, then you'll further isolate your wife.

My personal opinion is that your #1 focus should be on proving to your wife that you are the husband of her dreams. That's what I meant by "don't let the MIL issue side-line you." Especially if she's leaving in a few days.

You can't control your MIL. You can't control your wife. You CAN control yourself, and you CAN control your caring, loving and respectful behavior toward the woman you promised to love and cherish for life. Be that man.

Then, once you gain back some influence, definitely POJA any issues with your MIL. (this may not happen for a couple of weeks/months...depends upon how "checked out" your wife is at this point). I mean, is she serious about "D" like she's already seen an attorney and filed?

CWMI, re: MaritalBliss's child custody advice: ya wanna have him keep the kiddos, or stick her with 'em? Which do you think would work better in this case, eh? (CWMI is a master of reconciliation, BTW!)

No, this is wrong. I'm sorry, Z, but he doesn't need to POJA SQUAT with his MIL. POJA is between a husband and wife. The MIL needs to BUTT OUT.

NO! She does not take the kids! I'm sure his MIL would just LOVE that idea, and would help his wife get them out of the house and away from him.

Wha???

I don't mean POJA WITH his MIL...I meant POJA MIL issues with his WIFE!

context....context....context.....

Whew! Thank you - you had me scared for a minute, there!

maritalbliss, you are dead on .. Hope you/zhamila can coach me here further ..

My MIL came over to help with the 2nd baby delivery and staying 3 months after that ...

Your words in the red fonts below are exactly what is happening . Things that bring distresses to her are like: me not washing my hands using soap before touching the baby (I washed my hands without soap since they weren't that dirty; and I agreed to make this change), me making 20 min phone calls while watching 3.5 year old in the park, etc. I thought these were small matters to fight over, but my w values so much for these and MIL adding fuel to the fire..

I have started 180, but since w lives in the house I have been working closely with her to take care of the kids. MIL is out for few days now. I have been nice to W. Not sure if I am not exactly doing 180. But I thought being the husband I should be will help to have deposits in the Love bank.

Kids are the main reason I am so much vulnerable emotionally. I love my wife, but I can understand if she wants to leave when I am not upto her expectations. Do I have a fair chance of getting joint custody of 4 month old and 3.6 years old in california? Please answer this..

Have you listened to the clips from Dr. Harley?

I am so furious that my MIL (& her ego) is messing up my marriage and our kids' life. But since I think that my W can change her mind, I am controlling myself before I rush into throwing MIL out .. I have fought with her in the past one month on unrelated issues and hence all this marital issues have started..

Kids & game changer: I haven't brought this up yet since I am thinking that R can still be a possibility when MIL is gone.

BrainHurts, Yes I listened to that clip yesterday. we both are from the same background, culture and religion. so it is not the cultural differences that is causing the issue. I understood applying POJA to in-laws situation when things are normal, but I am in a situation to bring her to the table to talk. I am working on 180 as well so I am unsure of initiating the talk myself.

Zhamila, you got my point... in the red fonts below.

I agree with you on what (in blue fonts) my focus should be now .. W has not filed for D nor seen any lawyer. She has not mentioned this to her father either.. because both M/MIL thinks that her father won't be supportive of this .. She is trying to work this with her mother.. MIL is out for few days and she kind of calls her to keep things sync-ed up with her.

CWMI, please answer Zhamila's question on kid's situation below.

CWMI was talking about HER situation, in HER marriage, where her husband was trying to paint a pretty picture of divorce where he would be free of the hindrances of a wife and children.

It wouldn't work here, because this particular W has a marriage-wrecking, enabling mother.

It's no threat, it's exactly what she WANTS; to divorce and take the children.

Doing so, in this case, would be a fool's bet.

Ohh .. CWMI's H wants D with W & kids .. didn't realize that ..

In the end, I can live with W moving out and stay in the city so that I can meet the kids often. But she wants to move out of the country .. I certainly do not want that ..

Totally agree in this situation re: the kiddos.

However I still believe the focus should be on filling your W's Love Bank and meeting her needs: not threatening to take the kids. This is your chance to prove that you can be her biggest supporter, the husband she always wanted.

Start asking her questions: Why are you unhappy in our marriage? How are things different between us than you expected when we married? What's bugging you the most right now? ...and LISTEN (don't argue with her feelings). It takes real strength to do this.

A great way to start would be to print off the "Marital Problem Analysis" from the website, each fill it out, then "interview" each other about it. No judgment, just like an journalist would do: get the issues on the table.

You might even want to take notes. And ask to postpone the conversation if you find yourself feeling upset.

Then, find solutions together to solve those problems: solutions you are BOTH happy about.

As Dr. Harley says: when you're married, your main problems are with your spouse. Not fun, but the reality of being married. Solve those problems together and you'll both be in love & happy!

Zhamila, maritalbliss, Brainhurts, HHH,

Thanks for your supportive responses. Each one of you have given me few different angles to think about. And my thoughts have been aligning with what Zhamila has been saying. So I have not aggravated the situation by asking MIL to get out since her days in my house are numbered and will leave our home for good. She is out now for few days anyway.

W brought up "US" issues (maybe 180 played a role here) and we discussed the matters again. We are seemingly heading towards R path. I have been nothing but nice for the past few days. W seems happy so far.. I am making deposits to the love bank ..

My thinking is that when the MIL leaves, I will have a fair chance to build the trust .. though I have started the process already ..

Threaten?

No.


Two things need to be illustrated here; a happy fulfilling marriage, and a bleak picture of divorce.


It should be known that custody will be fought for, and that divorce will not be a honky-dorey "be civil for the kids" type of situation.

Recovering the marriage should be the pleasant option.

Update on this.

MIL left for good with no bad feelings, at least not openly. Wife is happy with no conflicts with me. Talking to you guys helped me to navigate those days then. Thanks to you all ..

I am generally happy except that W is denying sex and is using this as a control mechanism on me. Part of this is that the kids are taking our energy out (3 months & 4 years). But she wants to use sexual denial as a tool to control me.

If this urge to control continues to exist, then I am not sure if our relationship will have healthy environment to survive and cherish. Was our reconciliation was just a patch up or is there a hope. What should we work on if we need to build hope?

GOOD. This is good for you. Because your wife was probably having emotional needs met by her mother. Now if she isn't on the phone with her mom for 19 hours a day then you can meet some of those emotional needs like conversation that her mom was meeting.
I encourage you to follow a strict Plan A. Meet as many of her needs as possible. She will fall back in love with you and then meet your sexual needs.