Summary of prior affair and events until now:

So back in 2009 while I was in Iraq, I discovered my wife having an EA (or at least thats what she told me and I couldnt find hard evidence to the contrary) with a co worker at the restaurant they both worked at. Long story short, she would bring our daughter over to his house to "watch a movie" or what have you, and she would sometimes spend the night.
Anywho, I got out of the military against my better judgement and we moved back home, roughly 1500 miles away and we began rebuilding our marriage. We lived separate (at parents') for a few months following the move to just kind of start from scratch.
We bought a house, had another child, and boom...it was like the same time we bought the house and had our son, it flicked a switch in her. She was started working (shes the manager of a bar) late and partying and coming home drunk at early morning hours, but it wasn't all the time, maybe 2x's a week. All the while assuring me there was nobody else, and she was just hanging out with her girlfriends(all single).

About 6 months ago it got really worse. She began staying at the bar even when she wasn't working, coming home at 2,3,4,5,6,7am, take your pick. She began neglecting our kids more, as I was basically left raising our son and daughter, she would go to work in the morning and bring our son to daycare and not come home at all or come home extremely late and leave him at her moms our thats close to daycare, and I would sometimes go several days without seeing him. Again all the while she stated there was nobody else, even though I could feel the distance between us, and the extreme lack of sexual desire on her part (she always said she wasnt in the mood).

Well this morning (aug 23) I just happened to wake up at about 3 am and she was asleep on the phone. My curiosity got the best of me and I looked and boom. Hundreds of messages(about 500 dating back to the 15th) between her and some customer at the bar that lives in another country, about love, sex, a few mini fights, and even a few obscene picture texts.

I confronted her immediately by waking her up throwing pillows and clothes at her telling her to get out. My temper calmed about 3 hours later, but I'm stuck now. I'm off of work today and sitting at home and its all sinking in on me. I still love her, still attracted to her sexually, but I'm at a loss. Part of me says leave her and get custody of my kids, but I hate failing and defeat and doing that feels like both.

I know what I would tell a friend of mine if this happened to him/her, but its harder when its actually you dealing with it I suppose.

So effing confused.

Sorry its so long, thanks for reading.

Sorry you're back.

Whom have you exposed to?

Is OM married?

There are so many things you need to do. Exposure, as Brainy says, is urgent. Also, however, your wife must give up that job and never work in bars again. A bar is a place where she is duty bound to meet and socialise with men. Your wife has poor boundaries around men and seems to have little understanding of the need for boundaries when married.

The previous affair was when she worked at a restaurant, I see, although this was with a co-worker. I think that unless your wife can work from home, away from computers where she can chat online - so what does that leave? Looking after other people's kids? Cleaning? - she should not work at all. She has two young kids and should spend her time bringing them up and socialising with other mothers under the watchful eye of the playgroup leader..

That's if you want to save this marriage. You need to decide about that.

You abandoned your previous two threads in the middle of still believing that the first affair was an EA only. So, at some point you discovered that she had lied to you, but without the advice of this board, you did not set up a new marriage with extraordinary precautions against a new affair. You did move house, which was good, but these seems to have been no accountability or transparency set up between you and your wife. And this time, you continued to let her stay out late and pretty much blatantly carry on an affair in front of your face and did nothing to stop her behaviour until you found her phone -upon doing which you lost your temper.

I'm hoping Brainy will set you up with a few links about restoring a marriage after an affair, and extraordinary precautions, as I must leave and come back later.

Not really abandoned, just became more of a lurker and did my best from there. I tried to follow the book the best I could, but she wasn't OK with doing everything. I know I know, thats my bad for not just ending it there, and admittedly, I was just hoping it would be different and wanting to be able to see my kids every day.


I had my suspicions, but I took her at her word when I asked her last month if there was somebody else. Dont get me wrong, when she came home late or not at all there was most definitely a discussion about it but she would claim she was at friend X or friend Y, and when I approached them, they confirmed the story.


At the moment, just her, her mom and sisters know that she got "kicked out" this morning just not for what.

I have no idea honestly, he's from another country and just here temporarily for work. According to the texts I read he leaves this weekend for two weeks to go back.

As my friend Sugar requested for you please read.
Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

You will read about what she needs to do. Set up EPs, live transparent and never have contact with OM for life.

You need to do a full exposure. Can you find out OM's identity?

Put a a GPS and VAR in her car, NOW!

Although I agree with you 100%, and I told her she has to quit working there and find a different job, one closer to home(current job is about 35-40min away), and not at a bar or restaurant. Unfortunately, economically its not possible for her to not work, I got out the military, mostly at her request and to try and save our marriage, and I am now in law enforcement which is to say I dont make much money.

I'm planning on it, but at moment I'm trying to figure out if I even want to make this work or not. It will be exposed, but I dont want to tell people I'm wanting to work it out if I'm really not and visa versa.


Possibly, I know what he looks like from pictures he sent her, but he is listed as "Holland" under her contacts. Contacting him is not an option for me b/c I know myself and it wont go well.

Can you look up his number? Can you check her facebook to see if she's talking to him on there?
Trying to Figure out identity

Brainy - cheers, mate!

LGI, you should arrange for her to take a polygraph test. I suspect that you do not know the extent of her involvement with other men, I am sorry to say. I think there might well have been more while you were away.

Her willingness to take a test and the result of that test might help you make a decision about trying to rebuild your marriage.

Cheers!

So she came home from work today, apparently her mom met her at work and she told her mom. I'm not sure how that went, she didn't give much detail. She also said she partially exposed it to one of her friends that works with her as well. However, she came home today with a new cellphone password, which she refused to give me, and took about 10 minutes of convincing to get her to actually unlock the phone for me to see it.

I made her send a text message to him telling him to never contact her again and that she is changing numbers. How well that will do and how long it will last who knows. She could start talking to him again tonight after I go to sleep or all during the day on her work phone and I'd never know.



Yeah, I'm working on that, I got a little bit of information on him and I have some buddies with DHS that are going to look the cell number up. I already checked, and he doesn't have a facebook.


I'm pretty sure that a polygraph, while an excellent idea, is definitely out of my cost range. Like I said, I'm a cop and make just over 30k before taxes while supporting my 2 kids, house and all that goodness that comes with it. I could be wrong in my assumptions about the cost though so if you know more about it please let me know.

I also brought up her getting tested, pregnancy/std and shes definitely not down with that, just stating that they used condoms.

Okay, so you now have this POS's number. Why haven't YOU called him and told him to stay the hell out of your marriage and your life or you'll be bringing hell to his doorstep?

Why dude?

And please don't tell me it's because you're a cop. Heard enough of that crap around here lately, and it's all full blown bullcrap. It's just an excuse and I've grown really weary of that one.

As far as what she will or won't do, this is BS as well. These are things she will have to do for you to even consider staying in your marriage (at least it's the way you should be thinking). This is not an option. This is what you make mandatory for any attempts at reconciliation. Don't back down from this. They used condoms? I'll bet my house on this one that she is lying. Polygraph is a must. This will tell you her level of willingness to repair what she has broken. If she's not willing to agree to all your conditions, then why even bother?

I haven't called him bc I know where that will lead. I'll tell him to GTFO ans it will go through one ear and out the other followed by snide comments about her being with him instead of me. All its going to do.is get me riled up and pissed off and I don't need that.

You don't know a damned thing about what will go in one ear and out the other. You're assuming an outcome without even an attempt. Assumptions around here lead to divorce. Actions lead to recovery.

Which one is on your wish list?

Please read.
I Encourage Men to confront OM- Dr. Harley
Polygraph Testing

You're a police officer. Don't you know a guy who knows a guy that can pull in a favor for a cheap polygraph?

You're still letting her call the shots. She has no respect for you. You need to let her know you will setup a polygraph she will take or you will expect her to pack her things and you will be filling for divorce.

Honestly at the moment I don't know.