My husband and I have been married for 9 years (together 12) and have no children. He has had (2) affairs (physical only, non-emotional one night stands) and has not had any since telling the truth about both of them 6 years ago. I have had (1) affair (3 year physical and emotional, the other man is single) which I just came clean about this week and completely cut off affair partner last week.

We have now both taken the steps to 1.) be 100% honest and truthful regarding all aspects of our affairs and 2.) completely cut off contact with affair partners. I am still working through the depression and anxiety of letting go of the other man since it is so recent (1 week). I understand this depression can last 3 weeks at the least and in some cases 6 months until I have a desire to be intimate with my husband.

We have read and now understand each of our emotional needs and where we have not been meeting them for each other. We are also in therapy with a professional counselor to seek help.

Despite everything I have read and am learning, there is still one area where I can't seem to find help. I have NEVER enjoyed being intimate with my husband. Not even when we were dating. From the first time we ever had sex, it has been a forced act for me. He was the first man I was ever intimate with 12 years ago and because of the unpleasantness, I thought I had a physical problem. I also have no past trauma issues that effect me. I sought help through doctors and learned nothing was wrong physically.

I learned through my affair that I thoroughly enjoy sex. I enjoyed it and was able to experience the physical act of it the way I imagined it was always supposed to be. The emotional connection was also something I had never experienced (unmet emotional need). But I knew the affair was wrong and I could not spend my life stuck in the middle so I ended it and am hoping that time will heal this pain. I loved him.

Now we are both working to fulfill each others needs, honesty, agreement, etc... However, since the desire for intimacy has never been there from the first time we had sex, I worry it will ever be created. I should also say my husband is extremely handsome...good looking, good hygiene, smart, funny, talented, athletic, etc... It's all there but the desire has never been. In the beginning, I did it because I felt it was my duty, I didn't want to lose him and I didn't want to hurt him. I finally stopped forcing it and we've now only had sex 5 times in 5 years. The sexual aversion built up is HUGE. I did read "recovering sexual desire" from the Q&A forum and it is helpful however, in this example, the desire did in fact exist as some point and was lost. Mine has never been there.

Are there any examples of creating sexual desire after affairs when it has never existed before with a specific partner?

Welcome to MB.

Who was your OM? How did you meet him?

When you say you've cut all contact from your OM, have you changed all contact info?

How have you affair proofed your marriage? What are your EPs? Your husbands?

The SF will be there when you and your WH meet each other's EN. Do you know his and he yours?

How much UA time are you getting?

Why do you want to recover your marriage?

You have no children, long term affair, tons of baggage and more to overcome than you will likely be able to overcome.

So Why?

Hi findingguidance, welcome to Marriage Builders. The goal of Marriage Builders is to create a better marriage than what you had before, not to go back to what you had in the past. So yes, it is very possible to create a fulfilling, happy marriage and sex even if you never had that before. A woman needs 2 things to desire sex, an emotional connection and a the prospect of enjoyment. Your husband can learn to meet your needs more effectively, which would create the emotional bond you need. He can also learn to make love in a way that satisfies you, if you teach him how to do that.

A couple of things stand out to me when you say you have never enjoyed sex with him and didn't feel a bond. That maybe true and can be overcome, however, you are 1 week off of an affair so your perspective is foggy. It is classic affair behavior to rewrite history by compri g your past to a fantasy. Just think of a crackhead who is high on crack. NHL rewrites his past and declares it boring because he is high. Once he sobers up it looks very different.

Even so, the goal is not to ask you to settle for less, but to show you how to get more. And this program can help you fall in love with your husband.

Thank you for the encouragement MelodyLane.

HerPapaBear: I want to recover my marriage because:

1.) I think my husband is an amazing person and although he has not fulfilled my (2) main emotional needs: Admiration and Sexual Fulfillment, I am not sure I will ever find someone with all the other qualities he has.
2.) I'm not willing to give up until we both can say we tried 100%
3.) Yes, it is in my nature to have a huge fear of disappointment and hurting others. I have already done this with my affair and can't imagine doing it with divorce. I am working with my therapist on this as well.

He is 100% willing to try to fulfill mine and I will try to fulfill his (also SF) as soon as I can overcome the foggy perspective my affair has left me with. I believe it will be a long time until I overcome my affair and the emotional/physical connection we had. I worry I will always compare my husband as not "doing it the right way or saying things the right way" and I know this is not fair.

Right out of the box, you will want to order the book Surviving an Affair. It can be purchased here, or on Amazon, or you can go see if your local library has it.

Go get it!

Until then, some warm up reading;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Thanks for your honesty.

I'm not trying to slam your therapist, but I will warn you the chance of success is minimal without a specialist in recovering from infidelity.

My wife and I counseled with the good people at the coaching center. We received more help in 6 sessions than a full year of counseling with local therapists.

No they are not covered by insurance! But neither are divorce attorneys.

I'll get you the link.

link to coaching center info

Good luck!

Can you tell us how you've affair proofed your M?

Thanks for the book tip...already purchased and will start reading!

We've only had one session in therapy so far and I'd like to see of we make any progress here at home first.

So far I have changed my cell phone and e-mail. We already live over halfway across the country from each other so relocating was not an issue. I did change jobs (2 months ago) since we used to work for the same company and I would see him when I traveled to the corporate office. My job now requires no travel.

I just hope it's true that it just takes time to overcome the loss. I have time to give but I'm worried even with time, I will never overcome.

I still worry about igniting the SF even if all my needs are filled since it was an issue from the beginning before we both ever cheated.

He's handled the cheating better than I anticipated but I believe it's because he's been in the same position before and understands how it could happen.

PLEASE Read about the coaching center link I gave you!

You do the coaching/counseling from home - it's amazing!

If you've only had one therapy session so far, it's the best time to stop and switch to specialists like the Harley's

It's actions that help a couple restore a marriage filled with adultery. Time can be your friend or your enemy, depending on what you do with it.

No, it's not true. It's a common myth. In fact, a lot of people come here thinking "it just takes time" and that what they need is us to talk with them while they wait for that time to pass.

It doesn't just take time. As HerPapaBear says, it takes actions. We need to talk with you about those actions, and those actions need to happen soon, so don't plan on giving it "just time," or it will not get better.

Also will your W/BH post here?