That all depends on what you are trying to accomplish.

I'll admit I have been hopeful that somehow, with a separation and some time and perhaps your ww would hit rock bottom and then pull her head out and seek treatment and maybe someday realize the grass is not greener on the other side of the text message.

But in the meantime you have a very real divorce to deal with and a custody battle to win. So far and at this point, your ww seems to have literally managed to commandier "all the cards." It's like you're playing poker with 1 card against 5.

It's confusing to answer a question like that for you because you haven't given us a lot of details about what you are after, just tending to give updates about your ww's latest diabolical action. As far as I know you're still sleeping in the same bed.

It seems to me that you have a classic situation where your lawyers are both taking advantage of your wife's vitriol and your being overwhelmed/incapacitated by your wife's very successful intimidation of you and domination of the situation. To me, they are the only ones who are going to win.

If this helps - "exposure" (not the best name in my view) is used to request assistance from friends and loved ones in your life who may be able to use their influence to get the WS to end their affair. It also serves to shed light onto a clandestine activity where darkness tends to be part of the allure.

Not saying anything about something you're aware of is, in my view, tacitly agreeing to the activity and essentially makes you an accomplis in the crime. This would be unacceptable in a MB marriage. However, you don't have a MB marriage; you're in an wayward/divorce situation. Legally, you may have to treat the information differently in interest of your self and your children.

As a 43 year old divorced male, I will admit I think it's best for the kids to try to restore/repair/rebuild a broken marriage. Ultimately, divorce is not desirable compared with loving marriage. I think you have a tremendous amount of work to do to restore your marriage, and unfortunately most of that work seems to lie in the court of your wife in terms of recovering from substance abuse and everything that comes along with an unhealthy lifestyle. Which leaves you with the unenviable task of being colosally patient (something I did not have), if you have any hopes of recovering the marriage.

Or their could be some miracle.

Your situation, because of the prodigious debt you seem to be racking up is untenable: work incessantly at recovering a shattered marriage with someone who is by all accounts insane (whether naturally or due to chemicals...or both), with only slim odds of success.
Or fight for a decent divorce settlement with money you don't have, building debt you probably will never recover from.

This is why I believe the only thing you have left is to live your life everyday striving for truth and integrity.

opt

My desire is for my family to remain together and WW and I recover from the disaster. I would like her to get some help for her chemical issues (either past or present) and somehow have her realize her behaviors with men undermine what she says she wants (our family) and for her to get some help there to.

Then I'd like for the two of us to rebuild a marriage the way it should have been the first time.

I don't see how any of that is possible but that's what I want.

And I don't know what the texts say. If I do something she will just say he is a friend and the texts are no big deal. I have know way to prove otherwise.

Maybe I need to just forget about it and move on. We are getting divorced.

I think you should stop focusing on your wife and her drunken slutty ways and focus on getting custody of your kids.
Has a Guardian Ad Litem been requested?

I talk to my atty today about it. My WW doesn't drink during the day anymore that I'm aware of. I just don't trust that she will stay that way in the case of divorce when I can't be there in the evenings after separation. How will GAL help? I'm not dismissing the idea Im just trying to learn.

The GAL provides an independent 3rd party report to the Court.
This is especially important in cases of addictions, mental illnesses or abuse/ neglect.
The GAL represents the best interests of the kids.

Your kids need a GAL.

Sbt,
I have FULL custody of my kids because I requested a GAL.
My atty told me that without the GAL I would have been a weekend dad.

What you have going for your case is that your wife is already called a "functioning alcoholic" by the custody evaluator.

That is GOOD for your case. A good building block for a GAL.

Also for your case start GOING TO AlAnon. Tell the custody evaluator and the GAL you have been going to AlAnon for support. They will automatically think, "is the wife going to AA?"

And get a folder assembled with the following:
Any legal problems involving alcohol
Any pictures (Facebook is a good source) of wife drunk.
Receipts from alcohol purchases. If bought at a grocery store, get records o purchases made with the frequent shopper loyalty card.

If she has a favorite booze store stake it out, find out how much she is drinking.

The thing with drunks is they think they are genius and can hide their addictions. She will fall apart under scrutiny.
Have the neighbors seen her drunk with the kids? Subpeanae them for statements.

The GAL may cost a couple thousand. But the GAL will do more work for your kids than your attorney will.
If you have to place all your money on one horse, bet on the GAL

SBT,
I don't think you'll be able to accomplish putting your marriage back together until your wife hits rock bottom with all her extracurricular activities. This is probably going to happen AFTER the Divorce proceedings have taken place, a custody arrangement is made and adhered to, and a Solid Plan B is in effect, and Separation; perhaps even after the divorce is final.

At this point I agree with the posters above who feel it's time to take care of SBT and get down and dirty with the divorce fight. That in itself may be the first step toward your STBX waking up to the reality that she has made for herself.

You have some good folks here who understand the divorce process way better than I do, so I hope you'll listen to them and take their advice.

I'm going to step back for now and be more of a cheerleader, and less of a coach (not that I look good with pom-poms, but if that will help you, then I'm all for it).

Please fight hard for your kids and take care of yourself. Someone has to and that most certainly is not going to be your ww.

I still say she is poised to take EVERYTHING from you. Therefore you have NOTHING to lose. Go.

opt

Next question. What do you tell the kids about D and reasons for it? Our kids largely don't know. The older ones do. The younger ones not at all. The middle one kinda gets it but doesn't truly understand what's going to happen.

SBT

Age appropriate and only the truth.

ML on page one posted Dr. Harleys beliefs with quotes. Read this again. Now some time has passed and the alchohol/vicodin is questionable as being active right now so you will have to explain in past tense. Also A? Is that active or dead? Again age appropriate and truth.

Your WW filed for the D. Explain how you wanted to keep the family together and WW filed for the D. The truth. See firm belief paragraph later.

WW's and active ? addicts are the most refined gaslighters. They are the masters at manipulation and lies. Your alien WW (she is not the wife you married) has managed to twist this so none of this is her fault at all.


My WW went so far with my then DD15 or so "teaching" her to keep secrets. Trade offs and such. You can do this-just don't let your dad find out. I won't tell him either. This went back and forth (you don't tell on me-I won't tell on you)and still does today. That is why I am still in PLB with my alchoholic XWW almost a year and a half after the D. They still both try to drag me into the crap that goes along with being WW and addict.

It was only when I found a letter my DD wrote to her mom that I found this out.

I keep in contact-do things together with my DD now 19 but I do not let her drag me back into their crap hole that they built together. I keep my relationship with my DD seperate and have 0 contact with the WW.

I filed when I finally got to the point where everything was being sucked out of me. About all that was left was my sanity and some days I doubted that. I was trying to fill a black hole. That can't be done.

All you can do for now is hang on and know an end will come soon. Be the best SBT for yourself you can be and the benifits will shower your children. You can not control your WW or choices she makes. You can only control you.


Probably one of best suggestions early on:

PB posted to you about stating your beliefs on 1/31. Go back and read the posts. There is a lot of power in using the firm belief statements she talked about. She gave several excellant examples and posted links to help.

Be like a broken record with these with all you deal with.

Have you implemented this into your every day communication with people?

Don't Plan A an addict. It only rewards bad behavior. Let them face the consequeneces of their own behavior and keep your side of the street clean. You stated you were in Plan A for three years. What consequences did your WW ever have to face?

Like HDW and I (and others early in your thread Page 10 5/18 by Johnstwin)

GET A GAL!
They communicate/report directly with the court.

nESRE

My children (ages 5,8,9) frequently ask me why I divorced mommy.
I tell them: "I divorced mommy because mommy loves another man more than me and when you are married that is against the rules"

Did you request a GAL?

Any update on the GAL?
What measures are you taking to protect your kids from their alcoholic mother?

SBT,
I've been thinking about your court date this week. Perhaps it's today- wishing you great luck and success.

I am confident that this is your opportunity to get free from the WW and start seeing things from a different perspective. It will take time, but I believe it starts now.

Do you like rock? Check out 3DaysGrace - X. It will help you get some frustration out.

opt

What's transpired SBT?
Thinking of you lately.
opt

I'm afraid that he caved into her demands, and did not ask for a GAL for his kids.
I hope they aren't in the care and custody of their drunk mom

I think we all have similar fears.

I also maintain that MB can be a difficult program to get under your belt. The concepts can take months or years to master and the forums are a good place to voice concerns or get feedback.

SBT I hope the court proceedings have given you a chance to escape the environment and perhaps get a different view of the overall situation you and your children (and your now-exww) were in.

You could then start putting things back together in a healthful way for you and your family.

opt