mel,

what i meant by that was my wife was very shy sexually in all dertments since the birth of our son. I dont blame my wife for my affair i held my hands up and admitted my failures for it. So what now

Tell me what is wrong with swinging.

But Dave it does appear relevant because her "closed mindedness" was one of your reasons for cheating. It certainly looks like she agreed to swing in an attempt to keep her family together.

I think you are going to have to acknowledge to her how destructive and DISRESPECTFUL it was to encourage her to engage in this lifestyle.

You blamed your wife in your first post:


I don't see where you admitted your failures for it in this post.

In fact, you CONTINUED to commit adultery but you just got your wife to join you. So, you never changed after your first affair.

maybe that is the case, but she has certainly enjoyed it and told me she has i admit looking back it was\is wrong and we shouldnt have done it, but it is what it is and i cant change the past so have to deal with the present and future

A person who is truly sorry for their crimes doesn't continue to commit crimes. You continued to commit adultery, but simply changed the name to "swinging" and dragged your wife into the sewer with you.

I am discussing your PRESENT worldview. You described adultery in glowing terms in your first post which was made this morning. That is NOT in the past.

You really need to clue in to what Melody Lane is telling you if you ever want to be in a good marriage with her or with anybody else in the future after she divorces you.

There are plenty of men that can be polygamous at heart, but it is extremely rare to find a woman that is polyandrous at heart. Women are monogamous by nature; this is how cave women knew who the fathers were, and this is how cave men could be sure that all the offspring they supported actually carried their DNA. When your wife started having enjoyable sex with another man, encouraged by you, she threw you out of her heart. For you to want her to enjoy swinging is abusive to her psyche. It is impossible for her to be attracted to you based on this experience.

You can't even make a start at turning things around as long as you remain blind and deaf to what Melody Lane is saying.

This is exactly right. He shows no remorse for his adultery or for dragging his wife into this sick lifestyle. If one has no remorse that means they don't see the problem and it is likely to happen again.

The first step, from my perspective, is to recognize the "swinging" for what it is: ADULTERY. Show some damn remorse. Take accountability for committing adultery and for bringing your wife into this. Otherwise, you are not showing her you care or that you have really changed.

Let me put it another way so this point is driven home. Some men would KILL another man for putting his hands on their wife, and you just gladly handed her over. We have men here who went to JAIL for assaulting the scumbag OM.

You not only didn't care enough to protect your wife, but you gladly handed her over so you could crawl in the pigpen yourself with some skank.

That has to have had a serious impact on your wife. And is even more serious since you seem to have no remorse and absolutely no recognition of the problem.

I think that's AWESOME that your wife is no longer so closed minded! It sounds to me like you need to keep an open mind.

CLEAR! As I read this, Tex, I felt those ol' chest pains returning!

So what you did by pimping out your wife was to hand her over to another man. No matter what you call adultery, "swinging," it is a disaster to marriage.

Whew! All's right with the world!

DND, even you must see by now that the lifestyle you "enjoyed" was the proximate cause of the infidelity your wife modeled on your desires.

How putridly juvenile must the logic be that supports having her get "serviced" in your presence, to effectuate your own sagging virility, would be a moral or honorable (to say nothing of "wise") marital strategy?

You need to grow up about four sizes in conjugal maturity before the "big-boy pants" you will need to don will have any chance of fitting, my confused friend!

And you KNOW where my blood pressure was when I wrote that!!

Dotnetdave,

Did you answer ALL of your WWs questions concerning your affair from years back?

Did you cut off all contact with the OW from years back?

Did you apologize to the husband of the OW from years back?

God Bless
Gamma

Dave, when a person enters AA, before they start treatment to cure their addiction for alcohol, what is the first thing they must do?


....waits...hears wheels turning�.



That's right.


They say: �hi, my name is Dave, I am an alcoholic"

Or, in your case �hi, my name is Dave, I am an adulterer and swinger�


Why do they do this?


Look man, I am not here to beat you up. What ML is TRYING to get across to you is that until you really see the error in your ways and admit to these things, your M will never recover.


Step 1: realize the error, acknowledge it, and commit to a different lifestyle

THEN, recover.

Get it?

Dotnetdave,

One other point is that when spouses cheat on each other the cheating does not cancel out to zero, but it doubles the pain, or in your case multiplies it by 15 or 20.

Think of it this way if you drove your car into a tree does that allow your W to do the same, or the family just left without transportation?

Another really bad issue you have to deal with is no-contact with this extended "family" of swingers you and your W have been intimate with.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

To answer your first post yes, i answered all questions and did everythign you mentiond. I admit i had an affair i aint proud of it i admit we got into swinging and it was the wront decision at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. I admit i have failed to give my my wife the emotional fulfulliment she deserver and as a result this is what has happened. But cut me some slack i am recognizing and admitting these things NOW. We have both cut all contact with people we met in the scene and between us have agreed that this situation is and between us and NOBODY else now.

Lots of weasel words in this post!! Are you saying there is a "right time" and a "right reason" to get into adultery? [ie: swinging]

And the problem isn't that you didn't "give your wife emotional fulfillment" but that you dragged her into your adulterous lifestyle and handed her over to some loser to have sex with.

Interesting how you manage to minimize spin what actually happened. That concerns me.

I don't see you recognizing and admitting these things NOW. Oh no. You just wrote a post TODAY extolling the virtues of swinging, which is about as virtuous as a pack of pigs getting it on.

So help me understand your comment above. Is there a "right time" and a "right reason" to be a swinger?

Melody I think our views are very different and ask that if you cannot help support what sort of things I should n could do using MB then you refrain from posting anymore

BEFORE Tex gets back with her shotgun, let me point out to you, my friend, that this website is based on a marriage support program that in turn is based on time-tested principles that repair (if necessary) and nurture healthy marriages.

You should read some of the underlying principles and practices that this site supports.

Actually, I think the main problem here is that your views are very different from Dr. Harley's, the creator of this plan from which you seek help.

There simply is no way to use the MB program if you believe that adultery (including swinging) is okay. That sort of thing goes against everything that MB stands for.

If you would take some time to read the basic principles of this program, then you would already know that. Have you read anything on this site at all?