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I just caught my wife in an affair. We disagree on letting the other guy know that I know. I think he should know, but not his wife. My wife thinks that neither one needs to know. We want to keep this from the public eye as much as possible to protect our 3 children from finding out. She says that she wants to fix our family, but she has yet to break it off with him. It has been 4 days since I found out. Any suggestions??
I just caught my wife in an affair. We disagree on letting the other guy know that I know. I think he should know, but not his wife. My wife thinks that neither one needs to know. We want to keep this from the public eye as much as possible to protect our 3 children from finding out. She says that she wants to fix our family, but she has yet to break it off with him. It has been 4 days since I found out. Any suggestions??
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
I just caught my wife in an affair. We disagree on letting the other guy know that I know. I think he should know, but not his wife. My wife thinks that neither one needs to know. We want to keep this from the public eye as much as possible to protect our 3 children from finding out. She says that she wants to fix our family, but she has yet to break it off with him. It has been 4 days since I found out. Any suggestions??
You should tell the OM's wife, your family and your children. Without warning her or the OM. This is what will save your marriage and end the affair.
Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping your wife's affair a secret only serves to enable it. Your marriage won't make it if you do this.
The sooner you expose the more likely you can kill this affair. Please go read the link in my signature for instructions on how to expose.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
And when you are done exposing the affair, I would pay a visit to that sorry piece of crap and tell him that hell is coming his way if he doesn't buzz off. OM are cowards and weasels who are easily run off.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
My wife thinks that neither one needs to know. Any suggestions??
Hoggie13. Of course your WW doesn't want anyone to know.
Originally Posted by Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
Affairs are intended to be kept secret
Having drawn the above conclusion about the nature of affairs, it should be obvious why most wayward spouses would like their affairs to go undetected. Not only do they want to avoid all the unhappiness that goes with discovery, but they also want to continue the affair as long as it meets needs not met in marriage. In most cases, a lover only meets one or two emotional needs, while the spouse meets others. Unfaithful spouses usually don't want their marriages to end, and yet they want emotional needs met that the spouse does not meet. Discovery of the affair, in most cases, would ruin the "solution" to their problem.
Why would you want to keep this a secret from the OM betrayed wife?? Wouldn't you expect to be informed by her if she knew about it? How would you feel about finding out that you were kept in the dark?
OM BW is most likely your best friend in killing this affair.
Is this OM in your social circle? I
ME: BW HIM: FWH Married 18 yrs DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Dude, there is little surprise about the WW NOT wanting the news of her catting around to get out. If that were her goal she would have broadcast the news the first time he rang her chimes! It's also not rare for her to want to protect POSOM. She still has (misguided) affectionate feelings for scumbag and does not want his world rocked.
YOU on the other hand must learn two things. 1)The BH in your situation wields the big hammer (nuclear exposure). 2)Whatever WW wants, you do NOT want.
Draw you conclusions from that, my friend.
(And, oh yes, stop talking strategy and tactics with the woman who right now is the biggest ENEMY you've likely ever faced!)
Welcome to Marriage Builders, Hoggie. You've already gotten stellar advice.
Yes, my friend, the first order of business is to let everyone know about the affair. And ABSOLUTELY let the OM's wife know! Letting her know what she's living with (an adulteror) is the kindest thing you could possibly do for her. This needs to be Item No. 1. The OW's husband in my sitch knew for MONTHS about the affair and only disclosed it to me as a last resort. Believe me, friend, he did me NO favors by keeping his mouth shut and enabling the affair.
Let your families know. How old are your children - any child over the age of 4 knows when something is terribly wrong in their home (like, their parents are at odds)and may blame themselves for the dysfunction.
Lock her down. Slap spyware on the computer and her phone. Put a VAR in her car. You are very early into this - she may well try to be with OM again. You want to cut that off at the pass. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE SNOOPING ON HER. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THIS SITE. Later, after she's completely de-fogged and ready to commit to marital recovery, yes. NOT NOW.
How did she meet this piece of dirt? Do they work together?
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
I just caught my wife in an affair. We disagree on letting the other guy know that I know. I think he should know, but not his wife. My wife thinks that neither one needs to know. We want to keep this from the public eye as much as possible to protect our 3 children from finding out. She says that she wants to fix our family, but she has yet to break it off with him. It has been 4 days since I found out. Any suggestions??
Hoggie, as a man who once had an affair with a married woman, I won't sugarcoat it for you, I'll give it to you straight: Covering up the affair is the very stupidest thing you could possibly do right now if you want to save your marriage, especially if your wife hasn't broken it off. There is absolutely nothing dumber you could be doing than to help her propogate the secrecy that allows affairs to fester & deepen. If you want to have a snowball's chance in hell of saving your marriage, the you should be telling everyone, including your kids. That's not vengeful; rather it's the most loving thing you could do.
I know about how people "think' when they're wayward & in affairs. If you've got questions about that, you can ask me (and yes, I got myself ironed out, with some help from the book "Surviving An Affair," a good counselor, and some of the good people here at MarriageBuilders, and I don't get a penny for saying so.) My wife & I are rock-solid together today, coming up on 4 years after the affair.
But I'm not gonna waste any more of your time until you get smart about this. Marriages CAN be saved & made better, but not while an affair is still going on; and abetting a cover-up is the best way to ensure that the affair lingers on, and that your marriage will slowly bleed out & die. And then the truth will all come out anyway, and how do ya think THAT will feel for your kids? Your "strategy" of keeping it quiet is likely to hasten the very outcome that you're trying to avoid! So quit being stupid, quit letting your wife call the shots -- she's in no condition to make decisions on which the fate of your marriage & family depend. YOU need to man up and take charge of the situation in the right way.
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Listen to this Hoggie. I am a wayward wife (WW)who is recovering my marriage. I know the way a WW thinks, so pay attention.
DO NOT DELAY in telling OM's wife. As stated before, OM are cowards, liars, weasels and jerks. When you tell his wife, and his world is suddenly rocked, he will throw your wife under the bus. This will help your wife see what a loser she took up with. This cad will do anything to protect his own butt. He'll be pleading and begging for his wife to take him back. Good riddance.
Then your wife will be fighting mad, because she wants to protect OM blah blah blah. BE CALM. Your anger will only fuel her fire and make OM look better.
Once you've run off the slime, your wife will be depressed for a while depending on how deep this affair was entrenched. She'll withdraw like a drug addict. Then and only then will she start seeing the light of day and stop being an alien.
Are you getting this ??
You can save your marriage if you expose. Fight your fear with calculated action.
Hoggie, you haven't responded. By now I suspect you're reeling from our suggestions and trying to figure out what the heck to do. What we've suggested is probably totally alien to you.
But it's the only thing that will work. If you avoid exposing this affair, it will only serve to drive it underground.
My FWH (formally wayward husband)was getting threatening emails from his affair partner's husband. The two of them decided to 'go underground' until they'd managed to persuade him that his fears were unfounded. They had NO PLAN to end their affair, based simply on his consternation. So the affair carried on.
It died the day it was exposed.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Do not warn or threaten that you are going to expose, right now gather all the evidence that you can. If they find out what you are about to do they will paint you as a jealous kook not to be taken seriously.
Your childrens family is already under attack by the OM, they have already been damaged.
Can you really believe you can allow the OM not to know what you know? Does your WW still think you can socialize with this couple, or that you would go fishing with OM?
Your WW wants your approval to continue the affair with you as Husband/Father and OM as lover, it's called cake eating and is a living hell.
Hoggie, I was a bit outta line, and I apologize for being harsh in my earlier post. I used up my allotment of edits on typos, so I can't fix it, but I don't wish to suggest that you're being stupid. More likely, you've just been so blindsided by all of this that you can hardly be expected to know which way's up. So take out my use of the term "stupid", because it doesn't apply to you now. (It will apply if, a month from now, you still haven't exposed the affair; but we're not there yet. ) But please consider exposure, read up on it, and don't put it off too much longer.
I have a question regarding this though, if it's ok? What if the OM isn't married? What if the OM is off the grid and he's just a loser? In my case my kids know, our best friends know, and the OM knows I know about him.
I have a question regarding this though, if it's ok? What if the OM isn't married? What if the OM is off the grid and he's just a loser? In my case my kids know, our best friends know, and the OM knows I know about him.
It is always a good idea to expose the affair to the OMs family and friends. We have had affairs that were killed by an adulterer's parent. A major benefit of exposing to the OPs family is that it will often ruin the future of the affair if they know the WS is a married man/woman.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
The OM in our case was a single man, total scum loser.
I got brilliant advice regarding exposing to OMs work/employer which worked.
But I think what was most effective was exposing to POSOMs mom, sister, brother. The REALLY killed the affair, as it shed light on his behavior and destryoed any chance of a future of my W being part of the 'family'.
...what was most effective was exposing to POSOMs mom, sister, brother.
Which would have been a great action if taken by this poster LAST AUGUST when he initiated the thread, ignored all advice, and decided he could "trust" skanky to stay away from POSOM.
Sadly, he just initiated another thread today saying, "Oops, my bad....."
) But please consider exposure, read up on it, and don't put it off too much longer.