Well today, I went ahead with the exposure. I re contacted her mom, even though she told me she already told her everything, I did it just to make sure. I also told her sisters, and her coworkers.

Started plan A today, and gave her a couple ultimatums.

First one being she has until the end of the weekend to decide if she wants to stay married with me and quit her job, or the kids and I walk.

Secondly, I told her she has to be 100% cooperative in counseling, and following the MB (didnt tell her it was MB)rules, or the kids and I walk.

Thirdly, I told her she needs to get help for herself, with her depression and alcoholism, or the kids and I walk.

I'm still on the fence though about if I want to stay married with her right now. It seems that I'm the only one wanting it, and shes just "numb" to everything right now. Says she doesn't know if she should be begging for me to forgive her and take her back or if she should just say its over and go on about her life.

...or the kids and I walk

Brainy, we need one more citation, "Men, Don't Leave Your Homes".

Thanx.

You're welcome.
Here it is.
Men, Don't Leave your Homes

My mistake on that, me "walking" didnt mean that I was leaving the house, simply that I was walking away from the marriage.


Oh, and my homeland security friends traced the number, and I got the OM's name. He also took the liberty to put his name on the no fly list.

I looked in to polygraph testing, and I definitely can't afford it, and trying to use work connections for that isn't going to happen.

So you can get the Intel on him and expose on his side?

Does he have any social media?

Nobody to expose to, he left the country, which I have confirmed.


Not that I'm aware of.

He has no family?

No family here in the states that I can find. He's one of those traveling workers that go from place to place every few months/years.

Now that you have his name can you find his family in the other country?

I'm sure he has OW in all the areas he travels to. For all you know he may have a wife and kid in the other country.

I know he has a kid, but no clue about the wife. He has no social media, and no way for me to know if he even has a wife.

Do you know what country he lives in?

Holland.

Finding OM is VERY important. Your goal here is to keep your options open - personal OR marital recovery as you won't be able to really decide just yet.

Finding OM is a MUST if you are to keep both those options open.

Remember you don't have to decide now - but you deserve the choice of both those options.

So we MUST find and expose and confront OM.

I did a google search on finding people in Holland and apparently whitepages covers the Netherlands. you can search on telefoonboek.nl
http://www.telefoonboek.nl/telefoonboek?gclid=CN2j4OmvrZICFRlP1AodwQgoQQ
type the name under "persoon zoeken"
"wie zoekt u" means "who are you searching for"
"waar" means "where"

He has no social media at all? I'd be very wary of that conclusion and put spyware on the home computer to see if WW has access to him online.

Of course if all else fails, WW will be expected to provide all the details of who he is. Truthfully.

Since there's no way in hell that the two of you can recover with so many buried lies, I would suggest to her that she needs to find a way to afford that Poly if she wants to stick around.

She can sell something expensive of hers, or get brainstorming things she can do to raise the cash. If she wants to undo her lies really badly she'll figure it out.

You can't help it if recovery is impossible on a bed of lies. So she will just have to figure out the cost.

Thanks Indie. I added this to our operation investigate.

How does finding the OM keep my.options open?

I confronted him.over the phone and I really have no.desire to confront him.in.person bc I.know it will result in a physical altercation.

Yeah I understand trying to find out if he is married or what not, but I don't know how much.energy I.want to devote to investigateing that. If I'm wrong in thinking this way, please set me straight.

Hope this isn't coming across wrong.

You are a grown adult. You choose whether it turns into an altercation or not. Take a friend, and verbally tell him that any further contact and there will be hell to pay.

i get you, LGI, but confronting OM, exposing OMs side, is part of the PROCESS. you have to do all the steps. and if you don't have the truth about who he is, how the a started, you can't implement extraordinary precautions about it restarting/happening again with another OM.

i know you are tired and strung out, but this is the easier part of the process. it's important you get your rest and eat properly to keep your strength up, because if you decide on recovery, the hard work is all ahead.

but right now you need to focus on killing the affair. think of it as gardening (i am typing with dirty hands because i just did several hours of gardening). you can pull the top off that spiky weed and not have to look at it, but unless you douse that sucker in roundup (poison), it's going to come back. you've got to kill it "with fire." <--please note that doesn't mean with a physical confrontation! i was being metaphorical

OMs are slinky, slimy, scardycats. a good "piss off or hell's coming your way" does wonders for an attitude adjustment. after all, they're just looking for an easy, no-strings "fun" thing, not something that brings trouble to them. he'll drop your WW like a hot potato, but good, if you confront him and give him that message.

ps: this works *in tandem* with exposing him. along the lines of "you think *this* (exposure) is bad? contact my wife again and you'll see this was the tip of the iceberg!"

As a betrayed spouse wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you?

Think if this man has a BW and she's totally clueless. He thinks since he has women in another country his BW won't find out.

Just what did he say to you that led you to believe it would result in a physical confrontation? Also, he's in Holland, and you are where? I was assuming the states.

Regardless, POSOM's keep going when they have no fear of facing consequences for their actions. They don't care! They like easy tail. They will continue to pursue the easy tail until there is a price to pay for pursuing it. Okay?

This is why it's truly important to gather as much info as you can on him and nuke his sordid little world. It's not as difficult as you think if you really want it. Don't make it easy by concentrating all your efforts on your WW while neglecting busting this POS's chops. You really do need to get to work on this.

I'll refrain from telling you what I'm really thinking until you decide what you really want. I know you're blown away right now and I feel for you. I can't even begin to imagine having to go through this twice with the same woman. It must be incredibly painful.

Thoughts and prayers to you.

Want to say one more thing. I don't think of your wife as easy tail any more than you do, but obviously he does.

My point?

Don't abet in making it easy for him.