Hello everybody,
I have been reading this site for months and I have now decided to post my story. This is a long one I warn you. We have been married for 7 years and living together another 5. We both lived our lives before getting married. My H was the typical perfect father to our daughter and he loved her dearly until last winter. In early April I discovered my H was having an affair after watching his behavior closely for a few weeks. I confronted him one night and he admitted to having an A with a 39-year old married woman, who has two little kids. He was completely cold to it and said he believed I would'nt mind because I saw him as a roommate (his perception). That first night I was shocked and thought he was joking, so I asked for a few details and remained with the impression that it was a 6- month PA. I woke up in the middle of the night and snooped into his FB only to find that it was serious and included the words ILY. Later on I found everything about her and immediately sent her an email saying bitter things like he was a adulterous type, she was not the first and that I wish them happiness. From that day one the roller-coaster begun with him beeing your typical WW in every aspect apart from some things. He still wanted to make love to me and I did too. Let me note that our last 2 years had been very distant in the SF area and we were sleeping apart because of his snoring and my sleeping difficulty. I asked for a one month leave from my job to fight for my marriage. After two weeks we both agreed that he should move out because I kept crying every time I saw him and he needed that also. He lied to the OW about our physical contacts saying to her there was none. I installed a key logger and found some unusual things I can't disclose right now.

I should now confess that while we were in a relationship before our marriage I had a two month PA while beeing in another country, which I confessed to him soon after my return. We did not seem to be very much affected by that in those days. He was hurt but I provided him with regret and safety. He knew I would never do such a thing after getting married, although I now think it was a not fully resolved crack in our relationship.

To cut a long story sort, we (I) tried for 3 long months. I discovered MB after around 20 days, but I focused on the marriage articles and did not trully realized plans A and B. But I did a plan A anyway, on my own desire. His reasons for the A were that I did not meet his EN and that I did not appreciate him enough. I believe it had to do mostly with a sex gone lust gone obsession thing. For some time I managed to have him see me as when we first met. I lost weight (actually became very thin), I changed all my wardrobe to the sexy side and ever took an eye surgery to get rid of my glasses. In that first month I accepted responsibility for all my faults. He was not very impressed although I WAS impressed by my inner and outer change. I could not understand then why he couldn't even SAY the words I WANT to try. He just said I am still here so why do you want more? Why are you in a hurry?

The reasons why all these failed were A. He never discontinued the A although he kept trying to lie about this and B. I had too many AO whenever I discovered another lie,like that the true duration of the A was 18 months , the fact that he impregnated her and she had an ab, the fact that he tried to make his boss hire her as a secretary.

I exposed, but not at once and not without warning. He was torn but had intense withdrawal too.

Finally, first me and then him asked for a Divorce. He did after I contacted her husband. OW situation is that she lives in a white marriage. Her H knew all about it but did not care, b/c she had done this to him before. He is also having an A with her approval! They stay together for the children having postponed their divorce for one year. But he cared about me and provided me with many details and insight to this s..t. Until almost the last day my H was asking for his cake, by prompting me to allow him have us both! There is an interesting story about this I am embarrassed to share. When my H found out from me and from OWH the kind of person OW had been at past he was moved at first , but afterwards he thought OWH was lying and was angry with me b/c he thought I was responsible for their breakup. I believe they never broke up though. Wisely or not I uninstalled my key logger b/c I couldn't bear the ugly details no more .

I no longer talk to him for the last 15 days after we saw the layer. I sometimes feel good and sometimes I feel like I did not play the my cards perfectly and our marriage was distroyed for nothing. Nevertheless I have some indications that he is a serial cheater so maybe it should end at last.
What do you think?

Welcome to MB.

So have you filed for divorce? Are you in Plan B? Do you still live with him?

Yes,yes and no.

Well if he won't end his affair and go NC with his OW you had to protect yourself.

Do you have an IM?
Do you parallel parent?

Do your kids know what their dad did?

No IM unfortunately. Didn't get to talk about parenting but I guess it's gonna be parallel. He has forbidden me to disclose to our daughter but I feel that soon she is going to think that smt is wrong with me. I told her once but I took it back saying I was joking.
My question here I guess is that maybe I should have planned B w/o filing and see what would have happen? I just couldn't wait for months for his fog to clear. He is in a bad situation now I think, even financially he is worse than me.

And he is still trying to persuade everybody that he ended the A. I have no clue about his intentions with this OW.

Please tell your daughter. She is going to think something is wrong with her. Him not wanting you to tell her is because he know how wrong it is.

Did you expose his affair to your and his family? Exposure is to help kill the affair and give you support.
We've had posters go into Plan B while filing for D.

Have you read this? Infidelity:The Lessons Children Learn

That's why you need to expose because he is spinning the lies.
How to Plan B Correctly
Exposure 101

I know that I should tell my little D she has been asking him if he has OW and he has been denying it. Maybe he even believes that he is capable of ending it. He and my MIL have asked to not "poison" our little girl. Of course the fact that he is already NOT calling our D doesn't matter, it's only about his reputation.

How old is your DD?

Did you read the exposure thread? Dr. Harley talks about telling the children. It's poison to lie to her.

Did you tell your family and his?

She 5,5. Yes, I have told my family, his family (his mother was shocked at first), his boss, our friends, some neighbors. He doesn't have very close friends or someone that could really talk to him. The only thing I didn't do was tell OW parents, again b/c he persuaded me not to. But I am thinking of sending them a copy of our divorce when it's over. I know that her dad will be VERY angry with her.

I would tell them now and explain you should've told them sooner. Did you expose to any of her married friends? Warn them that she sleeps with married men.

What does your WH expect? To wait for her?

A radio clip from Dr. Harley telling children even as young as 4.

The Harley's discuss telling the children even as young as 4 about the affair

Can our DD love him again if she knows? She cried when I implied it. What if she believes him and not me? He will go on denying so will she be hurt and confused?

Faith, I would just call them and tell them all about the affair and how the OW helped break up your family. They have a right to know this. There is no reason to wait.

And I surely would tell your daughter. If you don't tell her, your H will be free to tell her lies. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. If its ok for your husband to tell her lies, it is ok for you to tell her the truth.

Sometimes, a parent has to take a deep breath and tell their child something awful has happened.
It is better that the child know why the family is torn apart than that they wonder or are lied to.

Tears and sorrow are coming either way.

Might as well be tears and sorrow with truth to give it meaning.

Who cares what your cheating husband and MIL say about it? Your husband created the mess. You are just going to reveal it.

He ought not have done it if he cared profoundly about his child.

You are not responsible for his relationship with his child. You are responsible to your relationship with the child.

You are not the referee.

I didn't want to talk divorce in my thread, cause it isn't what I want. I wanted opinions for the above question because it is not over yet. So, I'll ask the mods if I can move to SAA

You can always put a hold on the divorce.

But to do Plan B correctly you need an IM and you need to expose his affair to your DD5.5

You want to make sure you're protected legally for your finances.

Did you write a Plan B letter with your conditions?

So your MIL and WH think the truth is poisonous to children? Nope. What they're really saying is "Don't poison DD against her adulterous father." They want you to enable the affair and protect WH's relationship with DD. Maintaining a good relationship between DD and WH is not YOUR responsibility. If WH wants his DD to respect and look up to him, he has to behave accordingly, and he is not doing so. That's HIS problem. Your responsibility is to bring up your DD in a place of truth and honesty. That doesn't include hiding this nasty little secret about her father - that she appears to suspect anyway.

One of these days I am going to do it, I just want to find it in me that it is out of consideration and not vengeance . I should have maybe keep more evidence instead of throwing it away.

Why do you feel you need evidence before you can tell your daughter the truth of her life?