I was offended when people here said I abused my spouse, too.

But after awhile, thanks to Dr. Harley's persuading, I came to believe that they were right, and that one of the reasons we were both miserable was that I was abusing my wife, and that ending this once and for all was one of the most important problems for me to work on in life.

Prisca has grown much LESS tolerant of my abuse, and that's a good thing.

Sugercane's advise to you on your wife's thread was excellent:

BTW, I'm not taking sides. No one has been harder on your wife about her lovebusters than I have been.

It is not "taking sides" to point out to you how you are hurting your wife and damaging your marriage.

Most people here would probably consider themselves a friend to your marriage -- they want to see your marriage succeed, with neither of you gaining at the others expense.

Dr. Harley certainly feels that way. And I think you should contact him about your concerns.

Can you be specific?

Thanks, everyone.

Ship, man, I don't know if you're reading the tea leaves, but you don't have much time here to get on board. On the board we have seen this happen countless times. Today it sounds like you can still turn things around with some talk and action. But one day very soon if it hasn't already happened, the tipping point will be hit and it will take a lot of consistent action over long periods of time to make your way back to the other side of the river again. No one else can choose for you.

My ex-H is really distraught now watching our kids bond with my boyfriend. He tells me just wants to be married again, he sees it doesn't matter all this who is in the right stuff he used to insist on for so long. The same words would have made a world of difference to me not all that long ago. But none of it matters today.

If you want to get on board we can help you. I'm pulling for you, ship. But time to lay the pity party "oh so I guess I just don't meet your needs" stuff down, that's not going to turn this ship. Time to be the lighthouse. You can do this.

Thanks again everyone. This past weekend was rough; it was an eye-opener for me. I admitted to both myself and Anointed that I was not and have not been happy in our marriage for a long time. My needs have not been met and I have always been quick to give in and sacrifice. I'm currently in communication with Dr. Harley. We need help to heal our marriage, if it can be done.

Ship,

It's good to see you posting, and even better to hear you are in communication with Dr. Harley. Your marriage can certainly be healed, and your needs can be met. The plan works when followed, and your wife is willing to follow it and make changes. So long as you are similarly willing, this is going to work.

Ship, I posted a radio clip to you when you first came here where Dr. Harley explains what happens when people fall in love. As you know by know, a typical man's emotional needs are different from a typical woman's emotional needs. By instinct a man tries to meet the emotional needs that are most important to him, which turn out to be not so important to her. And in the same way a woman tries to meet the emotional needs that are most important to her, which turn out to be not so important to him.

But when a person falls in love, something happens. The hormones and brain chemistry change, and the instincts change. Now her instincts are telling her to be VERY interested in sex, with the man she is in love with. And now his instincts are telling him to be VERY interested in conversation and affection with the woman he loves. What was hard and unnatural before suddenly becomes easy, because the instincts give you an incredible boost.

If you will follow Dr. Harley's advice, your wife will fall in love with you, and you will receive all the benefits of that boost. Your needs will be met. Dr. Harley says he has men calling him back asking what in the world could have possibly happened, because it looks like their wives have suddenly started taking hormone supplements or something.

Do you feel that Dr Harley has given you any help so far? Would you mind telling us what suggestions he has made? (You might not want to tell us, I understand.)

And that combination has lead to a complete lack of care and compassion for your wife. It seems you react with annoyance.


If there is one thing I can offer you, it is this; that this program isn't just for your wife; it is for YOU. It is for your MARRIAGE.

As you work through this, you will find that you will be happier and more fulfilled.

You can do this. It's not effortless, but it is infinitely rewarding.