Yeah Like DX pointed out, broken wasn't the word you should have used then.

Maybe you should have said POed.. Its hard to tell where THAT will lead to. brokeness or self protection and looking again to go back to what she was before.

She wont come here and deal with us big bad people at the other end of the keyboard? Couldn't ask for a safer place to talk to people and clear your mind and conscience. Sounds like shes still hiding. Its OK it all will be found out eventually anyways.

Exposure is hard for in many it means to admit failure to the ones they cherish and respect most. It seems like you have failed, and then blame comes in. Who did what first? Whos fault is that? Whats the base problem? Stuff like that has to be dealt with.

But without honesty in your relationship now, you cant even deal with the past, because you don't have anything to compare it to.

If she continues to be stubborn and refuses the idea that there is anything she needs to change about how she thinks and acts, then it is plan B until she changes her mind, or plan D if she doesn't ever change.

She can come here but she will get her butt kicked verbally and yeah, it will be hard, but its not as bad as what is happening in her actions towards you.

Sorry OWH, sometimes those that appear to want and need to be protected and cared for are just wolfs in sheep's clothing. Let the fake skin be torn off and the wolf be revealed

Remember that "Cavalry of Angels?" They're on task and making a difference. Wow!

edit

Good!

This was how my wife confessed. I told her we were going home and I was packing her bags and she was leaving without the kids..Forever. That's when she confessed. sadly, it is the only way sometimes...

You did the right thing.

CV

The oldest son visited from college last Friday. We brought him in and filled him in on what was going on. He asked, "When did all this happen? 18 months ago? Okay, that makes sense. I noticed things haven't been quite right since then."

That, plus the fact that neither son treated her any differently (except to maybe give her an extra hug or two), seemed to have an impact. All the family wrote and called in their support.

We had a really good weekend. Sat in the pool and went over the entire affair timeline, every time they met and what they did. Since it is exactly what I suspected since January of 2010, it really didn't hurt for long. She didn't end it correctly in October 2008, and that left the door open to run back to him in 2010 under the emotional duress of her father's illness and death.

Anyway, she and I are back on the track to reconciliation again -- this time reconciling in truth. She's extremely nervous about being around any of the family now that they all know, but we'll cross that bridge soon enough.

When I originally committed to reconcile after I uncovered her affair, I brought out my old, mis-sized, mangled wedding ring and had it repaired. It is my visible monument to my commitment to reconciliation.

Since the original reconciliation was under false pretenses, I feel I must add to the monument. It's a monument in my heart; the perfect example of forgiveness. The beacon I promise to follow, even in my human weakness:

"As far as the east is from the west -- so far has He removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

I'm going to get this scripture engraved on a plaque and put in a prominent place that I will see every day.

As far as the east is from the west.

That's a long, long, way . . .

Because of the first sentence in your above post, she'll be able to handle the second sentence without a problem.

I asked my wife how she is able to be around my family seemingly without any issues and she said that she's not the person she used to be. She decided to take every opportunity when around them to prove it by holding her head up.

OWH,

She's extremely nervous about being around any of the family now that they all know

Good so she now has to reestablish her respectablity and integrity with her own family which is ok since she needs help in becoming a new person. There has to be some cost to WW it can't all be borne by you. Part of her old self must die and it is also good that her family is there to witness it and hold her accountable.

God Bless
Gamma

This is great! My kids were angry for a good while, but they were much younger. This says a lot for your children... and how you parented them.



I think with the truth of what happened you may find more ups and downs... The rollercoaster. try and prepare yourself if you can. It's one thing knowing, and another "knowing", if you know what I mean...



It's a long way off maybe, but the fact that you see it as a possibility is encouraging. Remind her to strive for it as well. I love that Scripture. I reminded Grace of it often. I also reminded her to strive for this as a wife:


Pro 31:25-30 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. (26) She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (27) She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. (28) Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: (29) "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." (30) Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Grace had 2 affairs. It is hard getting over 1, and 2 nearly devastated me. I imagine LTA's are much the same... Any A for that matter... But it can be done with both working together, moving forward and committing to lving each other through meeting essential EN's.

CV

I want to apologize to you, CV. In the past, I led you to believe I told my children about the affair. I did not. They approached me about the unusual happenings and I gave them a glossed-over story about having marital problems that we were working. In all of this, the last thing my wife ever wanted was for her children to find out. When she experienced their reaction, it was just another opportunity for her to see how wrong she is about everyone, how she misjudges nearly everyone around her at times. Yes, my children handled this very admirably. I'm quite proud of them.


Really, CV, I knew. I've been on the roller coaster for over 18 months now. I'm getting bored with the ride. This time, when it comes to a stop, I'm going to be able to unlock the lap bar that's been holding me down and get off the ride. That's what full disclosure is doing for me.


What I mean by this is: my wife and I finally stand in truth concerning the affair. I finally have what I need to begin recovery. I've been preparing for this moment. I intend to never mention the affair to my wife again. I'm using Psalm 103:12 as my guide. Yes, I will hurt. Yes, I will think of it. Yes, it's a permanent part of our lives now, but it is truly time to move forward and I'm resolved to do it without ever mentioning this again. It's not just an MB teaching, it's just human nature: we can't recover and improve our marriage if I use this as leverage. It's incredibly unloving, disrespectful, and cruel. When she truly repented, the onus was thrown back on me instantly. I was ready. I am ready. When I wrote it's a long, long way, it's just my acknowledgement of the magnitude of the commitment I'm making.


To me, what she did wasn't nearly as devastating as the knowledge that she was willing to live a lie. Just like Dr. H wrote, it sits there like an invisible barrier, blocking the path to true intimacy. I was not willing to live like that. She finally understood.

Talk to us, Hoss. Are you and WW making progress, either together, or separately?

You are finally getting the O&H you really need. Please make sure you get ALL of the details which unknown to you have haunted you for years before you verbally commit to never discussing your dear WW's affair again.

You need, for your own heath and well-being, an honest and sincere recovery after everything you have been through.

Well, as you know, I just got the truth, so technically, recovery is just starting.

I intend to reconcile, but have a lot to process. I'm in a painful part of the process at the moment, but it will pass.

I did catch my wife reading through the MB basic concepts last week. She's not a person that likes to read or follow directions, so I don't expect much. At least it was a sign of honoring my wishes that she even came here to check it out.

One day at a time. That's how I'm taking it.

It's difficult within the limitations of this forum to express just how resourceful I was in getting to the truth of my wife's affair. I can't really discuss all the methods I used in both rebuilding her past activities and getting a detailed personal history of her AP. I guess I'm just going to have to ask all of you to trust me when I say I know I have the full truth now. I was literally able to place her in an exact location every time she met with him.

I think you're right. She owes me a lot of compensation for her cruelty and abuse, which is how I perceive the persistent lying and outrageous gaslighting over the past 4-5 years.

I'm still not sure I can get over it. I'm going to try.

Do you have a plan to recover your marriage? I am just going to warn you that having no plan is a plan to fail. It is going to take much, much more than just reading the forum. She is going to have to be walked through the program in order to make this work, because it takes a very comprehensive and diligent approach. I learned that the hard way myself and wasted years fiddling around the edges.

Do you know enough about this to lead her through the lessons step by step?

Mel beat me to the gist of my projected response, but let me add a codicil to her contribution about TIMELINESS.

Yes, I would stipulate to your admission of a certain fatigue and associated relief at having some "rebound" time.

With all the good fellowship in existence, I'd add, "Okay you've (each) had your three days! Off your butts and back to work."

Your minds do NOT rest, my friend. They will be processing and assessing everything you each have undergone recently. Some of that "churn" will be to your disadvantage, even in matters of future agreement of what just happened, to/by whom, in what order, and from which cause. Additionally, the searing heat and pain of the emotions you just endured will fade. They could be the fuel you will need to drive this recovery (in whatever form) to conclusion.

You and she will never have this opportunity RIGHT NOW to start from the same paired loci, and plot a new path.

"Striking while the iron is hot," is an apt truism, when considering forging a new life, my friend.

ML and NG,

I know enough to take the lead, but I'm not yet ready. I took the lead before and received a terrible beating for my trouble. We have SAA and HNHN, and we used all the worksheets starting about 14 months ago; LB, MPA, EN, the works. Got enthusiastic buy-in.

And it was all a lie.

I'm in withdrawal. I can't open myself up to her again at the moment. I need more time.

The Whack-A-Mole game is only fun for the one wielding the mallet.

OWH,

I can't really discuss all the methods I used in both rebuilding her past activities and getting a detailed personal history of her AP.

Could you post under a different name to Operation Investigate?

I could use a few more angles to track down OM2.

God Bless
Gamma

I've mentioned in here before that I reconstructed my wife's activities by doing a detailed investigation of records (phone, credit card, bank, travel reimbursements, photos, e-mails, etc.). It was very time-consuming, but quite shocking at just how effective it was in showing her every movement.

For POSOM's info, I started with the usual on-line stuff (Intelius, public records searches) then used some personal investigation, surveillance, and finally enlisted help from professional contacts.

People like to talk. If you can work yourself into the circle of acquaintances without raising suspicion, people really like to talk . . .

P.S. If you can reconstruct your wife's activities as I've described above, I don't see how it's possible for OM2 not to materialize out of the clutter. That's how I uncovered the true identity of my newest, favorite, life-long enemy.

Can you send her here and let us lead her through the program?