Thanks unwritten, If the thoughts persist, and right now they are not, I may have to ask for more.
Sunny, time has been my friend.

I am starting to understand that though the horrible memories will never go completely away , thankfully the intense pain has.
I can dredge it up but it takes a concentrated effort.
FWW has bought into our need for extended UA and we are averaging over 20hrs. a week now. That has helped me control my thoughts. I read just today on another thread how that seems to be the case for other BS's.
We have gained so much of our lost intimacy that I have gotten more than I asked for, in a good way!
FWW's O&H about her time is such a part of her now that I can't believe that this is the same person I was married to a year ago.
I feel like I can breath again.
You know that feeling where someone is moving or doing exactly what you had hoped they would. You don't want to make a sound or make a false step so as not to stop their progress and have them retreat.
That's where I am now.
I got home from a meeting and FWW mentioned she had been reading more SAA as we talked about our evening apart. She gets that this is important to me. LB$ big time!
I know we have many more issues left to workout and I will probably be back tomorrow asking you guys for help but just wanted to post some good news!

That's great! UA time is CRITICAL, and makes all the difference to your attitudes, intimacy, and overall recovery. I am so happy to hear you're prioritizing it and it is clearly paying off!

I have been looking for POJA discussions about RC. I know Dr. Harley says to try something new until you have mastered it before you give up on a RA.
What if it is a RA you have done in the past and did for decades but have NO interest in doing any more but S does?
Was told by FWW there would be resentment if she had to stop. It will cut into our UA time greatly.
We are brainstorming but have not found a win-win yet.
FWW knows this RA is a trigger for me and after this weekend we also need to go over our EP's again if she does do this RA. FWW forgets about her OS boundaries while doing this RA.

Sounds like things are starting to go well for you which is great.

In SAA, Dr. Harley encourages BS's to get all of their questions answered and never bring up the A again.

Asking 'why' may not be fruitful but understanding the conditions which made the A possible is CRITICAL to implimenting EP's to prevent it from happening again.

I chose not to get all the 'gory details' of the A but I am very glad all my questions were answered so I don't have any 'unsolved business' so to speak down the road.

By not asking quesitons you think you are protecting her feelings but what you are really doing is burring thoughts which most likely will rear their ugly heads down the road.

You definitely need to keep brainstorming and to work on POJA with this issue.

Dr. H explains that there are 2 kinds of resentment. What your wife is describing is her resentment for not getting to do something she wants to do. You, on the other hand, would have resentment towards her for doing something you don't want to do. Guess which one is worse and depletes the love bank more? YOUR kind, in this situation. In other words, in this scenario, it would be better to not do the activity because that is the lesser of the 2 LBs and withdraws less units.

I'm very short on time at the moment or I'd find you all the correct terminology. I will try later!

Following The Policy of Joint Agreement When You're Very Incompatible

20/SD Thanks guys!
FWW and I had a great conversation Wednesday night and she understands that I need to go back and put to rest some issues I tried to go around but can't without addressing them.
I told her I would start out with a soft pitch question and not throw the hard ones to began with. All we need is one more night and we can leave this completely in the past.
I am being VERY careful with what I ask her for!
BH,
Thanks for the link. I will see if FWW will read it with me.
FWW did say that she would not do the RA this year if that is what it took .We talked about maybe only for a certain amount of time each week and be diligent with our UA time.

I have not written anything for a few days just reading.
I am really bummed with our UA time this week.
We never had anymore talks about our RA.I kind of let it coast to see if FWW would pick up the ball and run awhile. She didn't.
I have agreed to have RC with FWW just don't have a need of my own.
If FWW getting her up to speed on MB is what I want. SLOW going right now.

WLE, you and your wife need to keep in mind that UA time is the cornerstone of recovery! Nothing else happens without it.

It's OK that you are leading recovery but your wife needs to do her part too, of course. It's up to you to tell her what you need; that part of just compensation for her affair is making every effort to follow the plan of recovery. If she is not doing so you risk a false recovery. Reading the materials isn't enough - she's gotta be an active participant. AND...it's up to you to tell her that you NEED her to do so.

This is the problem. I didn't read the rest of your post because I didn't need to. Address your UA time.

Have you seen this?
The critical importancce of UA time

BH
Wow that was a great thread. I re-read it again today.Thank you.
MB
I am not going to let it slip again. UA is more important to me than I realized.
SD
We were doing so well that I thought it would not make that much of a difference, it did.

We spent the weekend with the grand kids and struggled to get our UA time in but were able to.

FWW gave me the best birthday present ever. Took the day off just to spend it with me! That was a good sign FWW is getting what I need from her.
I am learning how to let know her what I need with out LB's. I STILL fight with my P Lying. I see from the thread that BH linked that I have to continue to slay that beast and all of the other junk on my side of the street.
I never want to have a NORMAL marriage again! I need to have the 20 plus hours a week still it seems.
I noticed that if our UA stays high I don't dwell on what FWW did or is not doing but just keep my attention on her.

EXACTLY! I can always tell if our UA time is not high enough. It's the only time anymore that I even think about the past or am disgruntled.

Sometimes we can get enough on the weekly basis but if I have not had that quality time for a day or two, despite the high weekly #, I can tell!

Have you sat down and scheduled your UA time out for each week?

BH
Short answer... NO we have not.

We were just spending all of our time together as UA time. I guess I got spoiled.
When other things/ people started encroaching our UA time instead of scheduling UA time we thought we could get by with less now.
Did not schedule it, did not have it. You would think there might be a connection.
I have not turned on the TV in over a month. I have not watched a single football game this season. The time I used to spend on sports and my other RA I would rather spend with MEE (FWW)
I am happy doing most of MEE's RA with her. There is still the one we have yet to POJA.
Thank you again for all the help.
SD
I am still learning how to live outside of our bubble and apply MB in the real world!I had hoped it would pause while we worked on our MR!! MEE reminded me she was under the weather at the beginning of the week
And she still has that J-O-B thing she does five days a week.

I heard that the OFFICIAL referees are back in the NFL.
You guys are like my ref's and I take to heart every flag thrown in my direction!

Here's some tips about bringing the MB principles out of the bubble and into the real world:

Learn to use the lingo: it feels a little unnatural at first, but the more the two of you talk in the right terms about everyday things, the easier it becomes and the more you will utilize the principles. It isn't that you can't practice "POJA" (for instance) without using the term POJA, BUT... I find it helps, at least in the beginning. Remember, you are learning new habits. The lingo helps the two of you have shared terminology to understand each other and enable better communication. (Note: this does NOT mean you use the terms to slam each other. Total LB!)

Along the same lines, Dr. H recommends you practice on a daily basis on small things, especially POJA. The better you get at the small things, the easier the bigger issues will be.

It's easy to go with the mindset of "we get enough time together - we don't need to schedule UA" but don't make that mistake anymore. Remember, your goal is not just time together, but QUALITY time..for BOTH of you.

Mee and I have been discussing our UA and she is feeling a lot of anxiety over time.

She wants to keep our UA high, keep reading here on MB, finish SAA and read LB.

Her concern is when she is at home with me and reading her book she feels as though she is ignoring me.

I am thinking that the high I get from just seeing her wanting to grasp the concepts and putting in the time and effort even though not UNDIVIDED ATTENTION will be tolerable.

I have offered to hold her as she reads , set beside her or one of my favorites, brush her long hair.

Well, that last one may not be such a good idea for just reading.

Since MEE only wears her hair long because she knows I am nuts about it that way.

I thought it would ease her mind while she was reading knowing I was still connected to her.
Any ideas on this?

We are still trying to POJA a new RA that can be done together.
Tough sledding so far.

MEE is going to be off for the next 5 days and we are planning on investing most our time in "us"... and a little into the grand babies!

Reading the materials should definitely be a priority! Is there not time enough for her to read AND the two of you have high UA time? Or how about reading together, outloud?

Brainstorm about EVERYTHING under the sun on the RA!

How about shooting being that your wife is big on "tough" stuff? I was shocked how much I liked it when my H took me to the shooting range AND found I am a great shot! I didn't shoot as well as him but I did better than his friend who served 10 years in the marines!

H and I used to do our homework assignments as part of our UA time. However, I too felt like us reading on our own but side by side, or filling out worksheets in that manner, etc. was not good UA time, because we weren't really interacting even though we were working on MB materials. We decided to have assignments for our scheduled UA time, like have assignment 3 due on Thursday, then use our UA time to review, discuss what we thought, discuss the worksheets, etc. So we individually worked on the assignment reading and work, then came together for discussion/implementation (which counted as UA). That works good.

Do you and your wife share any hobbies together? That is what saves us on RC time, we spend a lot of time together doing hobbies. I know you said your wife was outdoorsy, are you too? Can you pick a hobby, like Sunny said shooting, fishing, hunting, ATVing, camping, etc. that is outdoorsy that you can regularly do together? Or even just hiking, free and keeps you in good shape:)