We were advised to separate and work on our marriage by Dr. Harley in his radio show. How does that work exactly? How do we start? Has anyone else done things this way?

Hi, me2012, and welcome to Marriage Builders.

When were you on the show? We'd like to listen to exactly what he said to make sure we're supporting his advice and not contradicting it.

If you need to separate but still work on your marriage:
* Plan 15-30 hours a week together alone as dates to give each other your undivided attention
* Plan 15 hours a week together as a family with your children
* Follow the Policy of Joint Agreement while separated. Whatever you do still has an effect on each other, so only do things you know the other is enthusiastic about. Note that this is not the advice we would give you if one of you is not willing to work on the marriage. In that case, one of you might need to be pursuing a separation and some other things even if the other is not enthusiastic.
* Overcome whatever love busters (angry outbursts?) are the cause for the separation. You might want to look into professional help for this.

Friday August 3 the 3rd part of the show. I was not a caller but emailed them and they discussed my email on the air twice. I am too shy to be a caller although I wish I wasnt cause I would love more information. Thanks.

Which segment (or the name) was your question?

Here you go.
How to Plan B properly

Im sorry, my mistake its actually this one from 8/3/12.

Topics Covered:
Love Busters: Independent Behavior
Policies: Policy Of Undivided Attention

Description:
Laurie in Texas writes that she is in a dead marriage, her husband say he has no needs. Her husband uses porn and does not go out at night because he has no friends. He spends most of his time playing video games and watching TV.

Here it is so people can hear what Dr. Harley advised you.

Radio clip of Laurie's question

So have you read the how to Plan B properly that I posted to you?

Yes I did read it thanks for posting.

I do have some questions and confustions. Can you help?

1. The Plan B looks to be for an affair situation. since we are not in that but rather a situation of neglect, is the plan still valid?

2. Housing - it seemed to read to me that the husband or whomever was the guilty party so to speak is to leave the home. Is that correct? also, how do I exactly get him out of the house? just change the locks and not let him back in as it discusses further in the rules?

3. so is PB done at a time when the spouse is away? such as at work? so when he is at work one day I do all this stuff-pack his stuff, change the locks, intermediary, etc?

4. Who gives the PB letter and addendum to the spouse and when?

5.I looked at the planB letter examples and they all talk about how the BS still loved the other spouse, but what if that isnt the case. I dont love my spouse anymore. I am doubtful it can be restored unless major changes happen with him. Iknow I have changes to make as well but I dont think I can change until he changes. Is that wrong thinking?

6. What if I cant stay in the home and instead move myself and the kids out? My work is an hour from our home so it would make more sense for me to leave with the kids eventhough I hate to have to leave our house. what are your suggestions on that?

7. On the note of #6, if we are living an hour apart, how do we also then work on our marriage and do the 15 hours a week and 20 hrs week family time? Like tonight, by the time I got home from work and ate and showered, our family time was about 5 minutes and there was 0 minutes of us time.

Also, is there a part A before part B? thanks!

Well since Dr. Harley told you to separate then I would do what it takes. If it is easier for you to take the kids and move then that may be the best.

Have you discussed this with your H? Since there is no affair you can write the letter accordingly. If I remember your call didn't Dr. Harley say that while you're separated to try and "date" each other? For example email and text and call each other?

Here is the information on Plan A and B.
What are Plan A and Plan B?

Read these and see if more of your questions are answered.
When to Call it Quits Part #1

When you're ready to write the letter post it here and the board can help.

This might help also.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

no i havent discussed it with my H. He is clueless and thinks everything is fine in our marriage.

HUH?? You said in your first post that the TWO of you were advised to separate. Now you're saying your husband thinks everything in your marriage if fine??

Step one: tell your husband that his marriage is in trouble.

Some reading for you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8115_prob.html

I was afraid that when you said you were too shy to go on the radio, that it meant you were also too shy to tell your husband that there's a problem. Please don't blindside this man by leaving him without even trying to address the problems first.

My apologies. Please let me try to explain. yes he advised us (two of us) to separate. I never called into the show but emailed our situation to the Harleys for advice and they discussed it on the radio show. My H and I are in marriage counseling to try and work out things and he knows there are problems but he is still clueless. I dont know how else to explain it. He just doesnt seem to understand why I am so unhappy and why I dont love him anymore. I know I need to tell him up front, which I have before about things, but then he gets angry cause he thinks everything is fine and dandy and is shocked. So we are trying to address the problems but its been very difficult because he doesnt see there being any problems in our marriage where as I am miserable and can go on and on with whats wrong. He just doesnt get it and doesnt seem like he understands what to do or just isnt motivate or doesnt care. he says he would be perfectly happy spending our life this way. It breaks my heart.

can anyone help answer my questions. thank you.

5. Yes, that's wrong thinking.

Have you read the basic concepts? Can you sell your H on MB? And drop the counselor?

Yes you do. The letter you use is modified with an explanation of how your needs are not met.


Ask him to move out. If he will not move out, you may have to make plans to move. If you have children, you might want to file for separation and get possession of the home.


No, ask him to move out and THEN give him the Plan B letter. I would first tell him why you are so unhappy and give him a chance to make changes.

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AFTER he moves out you mail him the letter or have a friend deliver it.


Let him know that your love has been eroded because of the problems in the marriage.


If it is more convenient for you to move, you might want to explore that option. Since oyu have the kids, it might make sense to live close to your workplace so you can be close to home.


If you are in Plan B, you wouldn't be spending UA time with him. If he wants to reconcile, you will need to figure out the logistics, we can't do that for you.

so i told my H that I will move out if things dont change. he still doesnt understand what he needs to do even after reading love busters. he told me he doesn want me to leave. he doesnt understand why I dont say I love you anymore or why i am unreceptive to any PA. i told him because of the lb that are still happening. i said maybw when the lb stop i will be more receptive. do i need to write out a list? or use the inventory sheets? i hate to leave but i hate staying as well. im find myself thinking about leaving every day and even looking for someone or something else to meet my en. its a horrible feeling. what next?