Hi, I'm new, read some of the stories and they never quite just fit.

So my story goes like this, my wife and I were parents at 17 and 19 and married at the same age we have been married 19 years together for 22. I married her because I loved her. I was in the military and she was trapped in her abusive home, so we were able to kill to birds with one stone. Just over a year ago, my wife and I were at my class reunion. She didn't want to go, as she is not a social person, and does not like to meet and interact with new people. Anyway she was sitting with the wife of my best friend and she thought she saw me slapping the butt of an old classmate. What in fact happened was I was pretending to hit her pool stick, something I had been doing all night to both male and female players. I saw the anger in her face and I walked over to console and put her mind at ease that it wasn't what she thought she saw. And she told me to get the F away from her. So I did, and I walked home from the class reunion. Now we had driven there with our best friends so I knew she had a ride home. I had been drinking and I was extremely angry that she thought I would do something this A. to someone I hadn�t seen in 20 years, and B. in front of her. So I felt it best to walk away from the situation.

Move along about 2 months into late Aug. of 2011. My wife had asked me how to check court records, and I asked well who are you checking on? She was wondering how a court case turned out for one of the patients at her office. This immediately threw up red flags, but she dismissed it as curiosity and that the whole office was wondering. Anyway, I let my guard down, as I didn�t think to much of it after the initial question. Then I was getting ready to head out of town about a month later, she had been spending a lot of time buried in her phone and texting with her phone in her purse, and tilted away from me, so I grabbed it that morning, and saw texts back and fourth between my wife and another number, calling each other babe etc. So I confronted her and she told me it was a co-worker. Of course I didn�t believe her, and told her so, but I was leaving so I didn�t want to get into something I couldn�t finish.

Normally while out of town, or away my wife is a wreck, she cries and cannot talk to me enough. However this time, she was absolutely fine, and hardly talked to me, and when she did, she couldn�t get off the phone fast enough, or they were one word texts. So again I asked what that was all about, and she says it was because the kids were older and she felt more secure. But her rushing off the phone just didn�t make sense. Then she disappeared for about 2 hours. Kids didn�t know where she went, they thought maybe Walmart, she wouldn�t respond to calls, wouldn�t respond to texts. My best friend went out to try and find her, but by the time he was out, she finally responded. She �lost� her phone in the Walmart parking lot. Again I was very concerned, but she was adamant that she just lost her phone and it took her and employees a while to find it.

I get home and there was no real excitement from her, but things went along. Again she was buried in her phone all weekend so when I got to work on Mon. I searched through the phone records and got the number she had been texting. I called it and the heard a man�s voice mail on the other end, and my heart sank (don�t know why, I expected it). I couldn�t understand the name so I called again, I still couldn�t understand. But to my luck, he called the work number back and our secretary picked up, he thought maybe we were looking to hire, and I just happen to do the hiring, so she asked if I had called this man and gave me his name. So I texted the number and basically told him to stop contact with my wife. He said she wasn�t happy and told him we had problems in the bedroom, (where yes there may have been, but it stemmed from her sexual abuse as a child). He told me that they had only met once for coffee and that was the day I returned from my trip. He also told me that I was more his type and I had nothing to worry about. I told him it needed to end, and he said it already had. I confronted my wife, and she told me that it had ended as well, that his girlfriend was uncomfortable with their friendship and contact.

Obviously there was hurt and I felt betrayed, but I knew I had played a part, I wasn�t giving her something, so I naturally wanted to figure it out. But the relationship (�friendship� love that one!!) continued even after we both sat with our counselors as a foursome and she promised that contact would stop, but I had to give her, her space and privacy and not check her phone etc etc etc. So with that, we stayed together in the same house, but we did give eachother space, then she started asking me to be with her as she was still going through this issue with her childhood abuse. Then she started pulling away again, and acting distant so again I checked phone records and bam! They were talking again. Again I confronted her, and him and she begged that I didn�t talk to him, to leave him out of it. This just boggled me, but I wanted her to see that I just wanted to fix us, so I left him out figuring it would push her closer to him if I went after him. This was late Nov. things quieted down over the holidays and then in Feb. I again noticed a change in her. So again I went back to the phone records, and again they were talking, I mean texts at 2 am in the morning. So again I confront her, this time I left my wedding ring in her car. She said she had a moment of weakness blah, blah, blah. At about this time she ran in to a friend of a friend (female) who was in the midst of her own love turmoil with her best friends husband. Just what I needed, what a great influence!! They were going to get together for dinner at some point. So about 3 months go by and we�re in May 2012 now and the my wife and her new found girlfriend get together, she tells my wife the tales of her infidelity, and I�m quite sure my wife did her own sharing. Then my wife started going out more and was gone longer with her girlfriend. She would leave at 11 in the morning and not come home until after midnight. Her phone would �die� and her friend �wouldn�t� have her phone (even though I had texted the friend and got responses back without her knowing who I was). But I was being paranoid and untrusting. Then one night in July my son was on his way home from a beach, and it was close to midnight, he had been texting my wife his whereabouts, but she had fallen asleep. Her phone lit up (she has it on silent all the time (�so work doesn�t know shes texting�)) and I looked at it figuring it had to be my son and I wanted to make sure he was o.k. SURPRISE!! It was the other man, and there were a list of texts, and then another came in saying �oh you must have fallen asleep�. So I grabbed my stuff and went out to the living room. She woke up and asked me what I was doing, I told her that her boyfriend wanted to talk. She explained this one away as he needed help getting in to drug rehab. I called BS, but she said it was a one time thing. Of course I looked at phone records again and of course it hadn�t been. And we battled it out. About a week went by, and there were no more texts, but I noticed that she had a new email account (funny it had the same last four digits as his email account, (�but this was pure coincidence�). She also put a lock on her phone, so now, I couldn�t get in. And now I suspected they were emailing back and fourth, but I couldn�t see that for certain on the phone records except that there were transfers well after midnight. So I figure out her passcode fairly quick as she uses her phone constantly to talk to the girlfriend too, but she deleted all email messages now. Then one pay day she says to me, work screwed up my pay and the shorted me, but she didn�t count on me searching the car for the receipt and paystub. I again confronted her with it and she accused me of not trusting her, and she�ll show me when work makes it right. Well the next day, she fell asleep as she had been talking to her girlfriend via text. I looked over the texts between them and found that my wife had given the other man $250 And we�re struggling mind you!! She also had told her girlfriend how she emailed him and told him that she wanted to be with him and she loved him and that they were going to be together. I again forgive her and she says she is 100% committed this time because she sees what she is gonna loose. Then 2 Sundays ago I see an email she forgot to delete, she took his number of the blocked number list on our plan, and she would soon be getting her own plan, and that she loved him. I confronted her again, this time she deleted her email account and said she made a mistake. And now just this past Mon. she texts to her girlfriend that she wishes he would call her and is it wrong that she wants to F his brains out.

She doesn�t want me to have any resentment, she wants me to forgive, but she still holds the night I walked away over my head. She acts like she has no remorse and she is more concerned with making sure that she can talk to her girlfriend then what she may have lost. I have explained that with every time she talks to him or talks about him as if she wants him, it sets everything back to 0. I understand the withdrawal phase, but she cant get to the no contact phase. Every time she says I�m 100% committed, I tell her yea that�s what you said last time, and she tells me I�m wrong for not trusting her. I know Plan B is the answer, but why do I feel so guilty? Even our 19 year old daughter says to �me what are you doing, you need to leave, you know you�ll be ok�?? She keeps saying to me why would I be trying to fix this if I didn�t want to be with you? I cant answer that, because what is her point? Why say you�re gonna stay but still go and do the things your gonna do with the other man. Just lost and feeling guilty and I really, really hate myself for not having the strength to do what I know I need to do.

chippah it may help a lot to make this easier to read.

Please consider dot pointing dates and actions... dont need a lot of the by play .. just the main relevant points and your wifes or your action.

earier to read will mean more helpful posts.

take care

Chippah,

You don't need to carry this crime on YOUR shoulders, expose all of the guilty parties to high heaven.

This includes that maggot of a girlfriend of WW.

Don't do anything right now, gather all the documentation you can, (facebook, parents, siblings, uncles/aunts, grandparents, bosses, coworkers, pastors, neighbors) then expose massively and suddenly. Do not warn or threaten!

God Bless
Gamma

chippah welcome to MB

sorry to see you need to be here but this is the best place to seek advice and fight for your marriage I've seen.

please make sure you read the basic concepts - link is above on the red banner.

I would also advise you to get the book "Surving an Affair" and also "His needs Her Needs", two very good books that give you a good understanding of how MB works. Some libraries have them these days.

OK first....your WW is in an affair. Sorry no easy way to break that to you.

Second... Before any advice you need to read the basic concepts and ask questions if you need to. The sooner the better.

Knowing the basics makes sense of the advise you will get.

One of the first bits of advice will be to EXPOSE the affair to all those who may have a positive influemce on your wife ... children... friends... work mates ... church members and so on.
There is a right way to expose which is why reading the basic concepts will be helpful..... so please get onto that now.... lots of vets will be in to help soon once your first post is a bit easier to digest.

MB worked for myself and my husband so know there are good results here even if its looks very dark and hopeless at times. Nothing worth fighting for is easy. Now get reading.

I never doubted that though, do you mean you think she is still carrying it on?

Chippah,

I understand the withdrawal phase, but she cant get to the no contact phase. Every time she says I�m 100% committed, I tell her yea that�s what you said last time, and she tells me I�m wrong for not trusting her.

As long as she is in contact the affair continues it's that simple. You have to recognize that your WW is ADDICTED to OM and you can't reason or argue with an addict.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi chippah, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your story is a text book affair. It fits all of the other stories you see here.

My suggestion would be to expose the hell out of the affair in a very comprehensive, strategic exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only fuels the fire. Go read the link in my signature about how to exposre.

After you expose, I would sit your wife down and tell her that she needs to move out and find her own place. Tell her that this will lead to divorce. If you are in a fault state, I would file for divorce on grounds of adultery. You need to be in Plan B.

You can't lose by doing this, because if you go into Plan B, your wife has an opportunity to shape up and end her affair. If she does not, you will be divorced, which would be the best turn out. But you need to paint a very, very ugly divorce picture for her. She is in a fantasy addiction and has not thought this through.

I would also raise holy hell wtih the OM. Don't let him rest for a minute. Go pay him a visit and scare the hell out of him.

Do your kids know all about her affair? If not, I would tell them all about it and give them the name of this RAT.

In the meantime, I would put spyware on her phone, hopefully one with built in GPS. A good one is eblaster at spectorpro.com.

Chippah .. Welcome to MB .. I hate to break it to you but your wife IS STILL addicted to OM. Listen to ML ... get a VAR in your car (velcrow it under the seat or up in the dash of your car) get some hard evidence. Put a keylogger on your home PC .. and if you can get a keylogger on her phone!

YOu are being gaslighted my friend. Your wife wants the best of both worlds. She will hold on to the worst possible thing she can think of and use it agasint you whenever she can .. she will try her best to make you fear her leaving and taking the kids with her ... DO NOT leave your home .. DO NOT let the kids leave .. and demand she end contact with OM.

DO NOT tell your wife about this site .. it will only further ruin your chances with her if you wish to fix this. Read all you can here ... get the Books "Surviving an affair" .. and "his needs her needs for parents" and "his needs her needs" .. and "Love busters".

Once you get the goods ... come back here and we can help you with a plan to turn this ship around.

MNG

Dude, for my colleagues' benefit, does this about sum up your problem?

been married 19 years together for 22...over a year ago, she saw me slapping the butt of an old classmate... I walked home...she had a ride home...Aug. of 2011. My wife had asked me how to check court records ..I was getting ready to head out of town about a month later,...I grabbed it that morning, and saw texts back and fourth between my wife and another number, calling each other babe etc.

After this it becomes a mess of nonsense that shows your lack of urgency in addressing this even worse than the two red flags above, and concrete proof of the advice never to talk to a wayward spouse!

I need one piece of information, my friend. Define the "patient" relationship that POSOM had with your WW. Drug involvement? Psych issues?

In either case, your solution just got absurdly simple, assuming you have the stomach to take firm and stern action. You only need report to both WW's employer and the appropriate licensing board that she's boning a former patient, and watch everybody do the dirty work for you.

In the meantime, prepare to implement the following process to destroy the affair yourself.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Exposure 101
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Spouses

Our kids know, but she did not know then knew. After reading things on this site pretty much all day, I took a few things home with me. I told her that all 3 of our kids knew about the OM. She was angry and of course blamed me for poisoning them against her and now she's the bad guy! OMG No Kidding!!!

Next I asked if she objected to sharing eachothers passwords to email accounts, facebook etc.... and she says "so to check up on eachother" and I said "more like to keep us both honest", she says "I understand, but everyone deserves the right to some privacy". So still no passwords.

I have started to get a keylogger on to the only computer in the house, the issue is she doesnt really use it for email, she does all her contact via her cell phone. Which now is very hard to get away from her, but I will.

May I ask what a VAR is, I did a search on google, but didnt find anything.

Chippah,

Voice activated recorder, starts records audio when sounds occur, when sounds stop it goes into wait mode.

God Bless
Gamma

WOW am I slow right now!! Thanks Gamma

Do what Never Guessed suggested.
Report this to the employer and any licensing board. This ensures accountability.

If the boyfriend is a drug addict get a background report on him.
Do NOT leave your house.
PROTECT your assets.

And do exposure.
Read and follow the Exposure 101 link.
Prepare a letter and post it here for review.
Get a list of the boyfriends married friends and family from facebook

Chippah, you need to do a full scale exposure if you want to make it. You can't skip this step.

I would let your wife know that no one has the right to the privacy to destroy another person behind their back and as her husband you have a right to know every damn thing she does. Tell her that people who have nothing to hide....don't hide. So obviously she has something to hide. Let her know that her reaction is a red flag and will that motivates you to snoop MORE.

But please get to work and expose this affair. Keeping the affair secret only serves to enable it. This affair has gone on so long that it will be harder to bust up than most. You can't afford to screw around anymore.

She lost her right to "privacy" the day she joined with you in marriage. She's going to say anything to protect her affair. You are going to do everything to protect your marriage.

Expose to her family and friends, your family and friends, her employer if OM is connected to her workplace or if A took place with work phone, work computer, etc.
Read Surviving an Affair
Read Plan A
Read Plan B
Read POJA
Read Lovebusters
Install spying apparatus on computer, cell phone, car, etc. and continue to gather info and document.

Well, dude, I see rather than man up and do what must be done
to kill the affair and start the process of getting WW out of
her fantasy, you've decided to start another thread and whine
about the fact that no progress has been made. (Actually,
things appear to be regressing!)

How ARE you doing in following the recipe I presented you on
27 August? Have you done anything on that list?

No one out here in cyberland can do for you what must be done.
Instead of waiting a few days and initiating yet another tedious,
"She's being mean to me!" thread, you might want to take decisive
action in your own cause. Or not. Your call, amigo!