"By making your spouse's betrayal public knowledge you, in a way, are also breaking trust. No mistake about it, cheating is the biggest marital mistake. You're deeply hurt however, everyone doesn't need the intimate details of your marriage. In fact, hearing this information will make some people uncomfortable"

What are your thoughts on this? I am not in love with the exposure rule. But believe most of every thing else on this..

My thoughts,

It saved my marriage!

The intimate details of my marriage were never discussed during exposure.

The intimate details of my adultery were.

Do you understand the difference?

Dr Harley is in love with exposure and so are the many and numerous people whose marriages were saved this way. Harley calls it the "most important first step towards recovery."

Would this exposure only hold true for those how have spouses that will not leave their affair partner? What if your spouse did, and it was over and done with. I am with you IF the spouse would not give up other person. I would do it then in a heart beat!

The context of the article you quoted was about "broadcasting" the infidelity for the purpose of vindication and humiliation.

That is not the purpose here.

And we do not recommend it being done in broadcast form - if you read most of the recommendations, it is to the most important circle of friends and family who have influence over the wayward spouse.

Exposure is for breaking up an affair, not just to tick off your wayward spouse.

You will find often that without exposure the spouse having an affair wont give up their affair partner without the added pressure of exposure. Hard to keep the fantasy alive if everyone knows what your doing.

Yes, absolutely it should be exposed even if the affair is over. Typically to the close family members and to the OPs spouse. The family can give the marriage support and help hold the WS accountable. Exposure is a very positive step.

Molosam,

everyone doesn't need the intimate details of your marriage. In fact, hearing this information will make some people uncomfortable

No one is suggesting that you tell all the dirty details about the affair, just that you disclose that there was an affair and who the other guilty party is. This is beneficial in a number of ways both for the wayward spouse and for the betrayed spouse. Here's a few, though not an exhaustive list.

1) There are already a number of witnesses to the affair, who can blackmail or gossip about it. Exposure somewhat puts an end to this threat. People don't have to think that the betrayed spouse is the "last to know" and a laughing stock on top of that.

2) There is a very real threat that the affair will restart because the affair is an addiction, exposure puts more eyes on the affair partners and makes them more wary.

3) The betrayed spouse should not have to carry the burden of keeping this horrible secret, and should not have to suffer awkward questions about why they no longer socialize with so and so.

4) If the betrayed spouse keeps this secret then they have no support group they can talk to, and the betrayed spouse suffers while the wayward spouse is recovered.

5) There has to be some punishment in this to keep the wayward spouse from moving on to another affair.

6) Affairs thrive in darkness exposure brings in the light.

7) The secrecy of an affair is part of what makes them exciting and addicting, exposure destroys that.

8) The other persons spouse has a right to know.

God Bless
Gamma

There are MANY BSs who arrive here and tell us about the PREVIOUS affair(s) that their WS have had. If their previous affair(s) had been exposed, and then EPs were put in place, the current affair would most likely have not happened. Exposure is also a great way for the BS to gain SUPPORT.

Can you tell us more about your story?

I exposed even though the affair ended the day I dicovered it and my reasons were to gain the much needed emotional support from friends and family even though I come from a culture where it is advised to keep your mouth shut about such things.

What I realise now is that although exposure is effective at killing affairs it is also a vital tool for defogging a WS. Just because the A is over does not mean the WS is out of the woods and that the fantasy is over in his/her head.

I was living with a WS who understood his actions were wrong but couldn't help justify the A and see it as a romantic novel kind of thing, he used to say things like- she had lovley eyes, they planned to make their relationship public once me and him have been separated for 6 months and his parents would love her, they would have fun working together and being a couple, our friends would be happy for him etc. when I exposed he saw the reality. His boss lost respect for him, his parents were disappointed in him and told him clearly they would never have accepted her, our friends were disgusted with him and his male friends thought she was dog ugly and laughed at him. All those reactions helped get him out of the deep fog he was in despite ending the A and helped our marriage.

Exposure is also great on a persoal level because it really shows you who is a true friend to your marriage and who isn't. It allows you to keep the people in your life that support your marriage as opposed to people who support affairs or just enjoy the drama. My marriage has benefitted a great deal from cutting out the bad apples in our lives leaving us with a great group of moral and supportive friends who nurture our marriage as opposed to poison it.

I could go on forever about the benefits I have seen personally from exposure but I think that the fact that the expert on happy healthy marriages and creator of MB reccomends it should be enough to convince anyone it's the right thing to do.

I am IN LOVE with the exposure rule. It's the only thing that ended my husband's affair with his co-worker.

His OW's husband was uncomfortable with their 'friendship' for months (as well he should have been). His Skank-ho wife told him that she would divorce him if he tried to end her 'friendship' with my husband.

He finally exposed to their employer. The affair ended THAT DAY. DONE. And guess what: his WW didn't divorce him. They are together to this day. (No surprise - this is typical.)

I LOVE exposure. If he'd kept his mouth shut, my marriage may not exist today.

It's not a matter of quid pro quo. Once trust is broken, it is broken. That break occurs with the infidelity. It needs to be healed. Part of that healing is exposure. It is a way to bring a wayward spouse to a point of accountability and transparency. It re-stabilizes them morally.

Remorseful waywards frequently will expose themselves. Because they instinctively know that it is in the best interest of their lives and their marriage.

I couldn't agree more about the personal benefits of exposure. Exposure doesn't just expose the adultery, but it truly does uncover who your true friends are. I gotta tell you, I was shocked when I saw just how few true friends I had, and my exposure was accidental and only a minor league effort. I can only imagine what I would have uncovered and possibly repaired had I known about all these MB methods way back then. If only I had a Delorean with a flux capacitor.

Seriously though, there is no downside to it. You WILL find out where you are and who is serious about marriage in your life. There are absolutely no guarantees it will recover a marriage, but it will aid in recovering you if it doesn't. You'll have the truth exposed, your integrity intact, and the imposter friends exposed as well.

That's not such a bad thing, huh?

FWIW, I Plan B'ed about 40-50 friends back then, and to this day I don't regret it. Who needs people like that in their lives?

You should tell your story. You'll get help you can't even begin to imagine.

It holds true, because it is the Truth. It's the truth of YOUR life, it's the truth of the OM's betrayed spouse's life. They have a right to know about their life. Would you not agree?

my situation is very tough, my wife has had an affair since February with her boss who also owns the company. He has only been married a couple years with a 16month old baby. says a lot about him. Anyway, i gave my wife a chance to tell the truth and when she would't, i called him. i didn't have to say much, he asked how i wanted to handle it. he doesn't want to give his family up, for him it was just fun. he agreed no contact with my wife, he assigned a point of contact for my wife to work from home till she finds a job. i had to do it this way because i am un-employeed and we only have her income. not to mention if this goes public it doesn't just stop the affair, but would stop business with his main customer, 80% of the companies revenue. why should i care you ask? he has 50 employee's, i know a lot of them and they have families, they dont know about this. so in my bad situation should i continue to expose or wait in this situation till my wife gets another job?

Welcome to MB Mr_Infinity if you start your own thread and post your situation you will get help.

You should expose to his wife and all of your family members now. Has your wife found a new job yet? When will she be leaving?