this is a good idea.....

but then you answer it with;


You continue to mention how much you desire to make your wife happy and yet, you are going to deliver only what YOU think is relevant.

This is why you continue to fail!

Your wife wants you to take the time to answer ALL unanswered questions!


You even start a topic like the next quote below and never follow up? Whats up with that?


You have good intentions, I'm sure.....

But have you ever heard what the road to destruction is paved with?

It's paved with good intentions!


Actions and follow through are what paves the road to recovery!

Kiss,

At LEAST a dozen times you've asked for help.

And those offering you help have two recurring questions of you....

1) Please list ALL your EP's

2) Please list your schedule of UA time (Scotty asks this almost every week)

You want help?

We need this info as a good starting point in order to help!

Personally, I think you're a game player and until I see you do some of the easy work, like 1 & 2 above, my opinion won't change.

You're in management, right.

What would you do if one of your subordinates came to your morning meeting, listened to what your needs/expectations were for the day, took the list of needs/expectations to be completed by them, and then did nothing on the list.
Yet at the end of the day they told you how great your list was and how much they look forward to reading what you have outlined for tomorrow.

What would you say to this employee?

Hi Kiss,

Do you have me on ignore?

And, perhaps me?

kiss, what's been going on? How have you been implementing MB plans into your daily life? How much UA time have you scheduled for this week? How much did you manage last week?

Are you serious about wanting to recover your marriage?

Sorry I haven't been ignoring anyone. The scheduling of UA time has been difficult we have been spending as much time together as possible. We have been spending time at home hidding from the kids when ever possible. We went out on Friday after work we meet at the mall as we were killing time to go out to Fridays for dinner. Then after we went to the movies as the wife has been wanting to see the movie Ted. Witch really isn't her kind of movie. It wasn't good. Its been hard to get away as my step daughter has been stuck watching the kids and its not fair to her as she is 17 and just got her liscense to drive. So we haven't been able to plan to much in advance. Plus I keep asking my wife what we should due and she says why do we always have to due something! She is getting frustrated by our kids. 6 YR old boy and 8 in one week girl that thinks she is the boss and runs the house. The fighting is constant.

KISS

the kids are a great opportunity to POJA, kiss, so it's a good thing! it's very important parents are on the same page and act as a unit. kids are very smart; they know when they can play one parent off the other.

perhaps the two of you could spend some time POJAing how to parent (you know, how to react in different circumstances. for instance, i don't give our DD any $$ unless H enthusiastically agrees), especially if you have a tiny one running the household! it will help you meet in the middle, and it feels good to work as a team.

UA is hard when you have kids. but kids need to be put in their place. the M comes first - it benefits the kids. if kids have to wait, do less stuff, entertain themselves (please do not let them do this on the computer), they learn how to be more grown up. that's what growing up is all about.

i urge you and RQ to give it a go. it'll help. and help give you more UA time alone. can you afford to pay the DD17 to babysit? it may be less of a burden on her if she gets something out of it. it doesn't have to be money - negotiate a "fee," whether it's time out on weekend nights, some itunes, or whathaveyou.

Kiss, it is important to schedule this UA time. The movie actually doesn't count towards UA time. So, you had what, about an hour of UA time at Fridays? And here and there while the kids are running around the house, and you are locked in your room? THis isn't what DrH had in mind when he talked about UA time.

So, I ask again, what is your UA time schedule for this coming week? Please, write it out, day by day, how many hours, and what activities you will be doing, and what ENs you will be meeting.

Also, HPB asked for your EP list. Where is it?

I was going to suggest the same thing as Letty in regards to DSD17. Give her some cash, some gas money, etc. She's already been through 1 divorce, I think you may be surprised at the things she will do to ensure that this marriage doesn't end the same way.

So that's it?

You come back and tell us about last Fridays date w/your wife.

No answers to any of my posts?

my EP's
protect my emotional needs
don't get close to females
not getting personal with females
not being alone with females

weeks schedule

tuesday our daughters birthday going to dinner

thursday we are going to walk the walk way bridge about a 6 mile walk

Saturday labor day party

Sunday having daughters family birthday party

KISS

HOW are you going to demonstrate these to RQ? what ACTIONS are you taking?

erm, i would not be impressed with this at all. looks like all family time, no alone time! what are you doing the other days? also, bday parties don't last all day. do you have time scheduled around it/them?

You don't have to be gone, doing wild, crazy, (expensive!) dating things to make this count for UA time. In fact, some of the best UA time is at home, for free.

Walking the bridge sounds really good, a nice mix of RC and Conversation, maybe with some Admiration thrown in. But what about the other EN's, some of which cannot be met in public? You don't need to detail on here PLEASE don't detail on here what you're going to do with that time, but block it out and post it as "on this day, x hours, at home without kids" or something like that.

Kiss,

Again,

You struggle with UA time because you don't make it a priority. Why does your daughter need two birthday parties? One with her parents AND one with her family? Do you understand you are facing a future of permanent 2-4 birthday parties because her parents have different homes? Labour day party? Why is that taking priority over UA time?

What does UA time actually mean to you?? Do you understand "undivided attention"?

Undivided attention:

Spent alone
Children and friends not present
No electronic devices


Tip: if your attention is divided, you are not giving undivided attention.

Thank you for your reply.

Kiss, EP's are a very important part of recovery. They are generally one of the few ways to provide just compensation for our infidelity.
What you've listed out is not enough to make any betrayed spouse feel safe. When our Betrayed Spouse doesn't feel safe, they will withdraw from us. I know that's not what either of you want.

I just bumped a thread on Extraordinary Precaution that I want you to read and use to work from. Please take the time to revise and re-post your EP's after reading the thread. Do this soon, OK!

Several have commented about this. Some time back Neak and some others had a thread going of things to do during UA....
Affordable things....

Maybe someone can find and bump it? If not, maybe another one could be started.

Maybe, YOU could start one.... ... asking about suggestions for UA time.... from how to schedule it, when to schedule it and what activities others have found helpful in their own marriages.

[/quote]

Several have commented about this. Some time back Neak and some others had a thread going of things to do during UA....
Affordable things....

Maybe someone can find and bump it? If not, maybe another one could be started.

Maybe, YOU could start one.... ... asking about suggestions for UA time.... from how to schedule it, when to schedule it and what activities others have found helpful in their own marriages. [/quote]



sounds like a great idea!

If it's not affordable, I'm not doin it.

here are some UA suggestions recently given. i know there's a better thread around somewhere...bh?