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Our mechanic and somewhat of a friend asked me for no strings attached sex last night. It's really bothering me. DH's response is also bothersome.

Mechanic and I have a professional relationship, Mechanic and DH have more of a friendship. Mechanic works in our small town and we're friendly with he and his GF who just had a baby.

DH says I should not be so upset over the situation, but I wonder what I'm missing that someone would feel okay to ask me this? And, I would expect DH to be pissed and tell the guy off.

We are changing mechanics and won't be having any interaction with him after DH goes and pays him in full tonight.

I don't feel like DH is protecting me. How would the men here handle this?


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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For me at least, my reaction would depend on how well I knew the other guy. I don't have a lot of people I consider "friends" but I have a lot of "acquaintances". The closer the relationship the more severe the reaction - I expect my friends to have my back.

So if it's a guy I know casually, I'd pay the bill, say a few choice words, and leave it at that. If it's a close friend I'd still pay the bill, but would have a LOT more to say.

Either way, the personal and professional relationship would be over. If anyone asked why I'd tell them. If it was a friend who did that, I would warn my other friends about him. I would also tell his GF - while they're not married, she still has every right to know.


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I can confidently say my DH would have some "wall-to-wall" counseling with this punk.

Whether he knew him or not.



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Dont let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

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The relationship is over. DH is going to pay him tonight, and after tonight we will have no contact. Now we need a new mechanic. LOL

I don't have his GFs phone number, they're on again/off again, but do have a baby together.

I really don't understand why DH is being so passive and I'm having trouble telling him why I feel this way other than this is how men are supposed to act. If it were my mom and dad, my dad would have taken care of it last night.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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I wonder if there's something wrong with *my* boundaries or behavior to make him think it was okay to ask this question?

He worked on my car, I took him back to the shop after he delivered my car to the house last night. We've done this plenty of times.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Well, alot of people here have as a boundary not to get in a car with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe something to implement?

But, I suspect THIS guy is a neanderthal and the car aspect had little to do with it. You can't go blaming yourself just because some men behave like pigs.

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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
The relationship is over. DH is going to pay him tonight, and after tonight we will have no contact. Now we need a new mechanic. LOL

I don't have his GFs phone number, they're on again/off again, but do have a baby together.

I really don't understand why DH is being so passive and I'm having trouble telling him why I feel this way other than this is how men are supposed to act. If it were my mom and dad, my dad would have taken care of it last night.
This is the time for Radical Honesty with your husband. Tell him what you expect and why. Make sure he understands fully how you need him to react.

If I were your husband, I would expose far and wide. This guy is a predator, and the community should be warned. It is like finding an open manhole in the street. Do you just leave it there for someone else to fall into, or do you do something about it?


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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Our mechanic and somewhat of a friend asked me for no strings attached sex last night. It's really bothering me. DH's response is also bothersome.

DH says I should not be so upset over the situation, but I wonder what I'm missing that someone would feel okay to ask me this? And, I would expect DH to be pissed and tell the guy off.

I don't feel like DH is protecting me. How would the men here handle this?

I know you have posted here for a long time. I did not remember your story so I looked back and I did not remember if you were a WW or BW or what.

What I saw is that you and your husband were not married. That means you are in a renter relationship. The committment to buy has never been made by you and your "husband"/live in full time boy friend.

Your mechanic is also a renter. He has a full time live 'wife"/girl friend. He see's the world as it really is. That relationships are of two kinds. The renter and the buyer. A buyer is willing to make the full committment and marry. A renter is not.

This mechanic/renter see's himself for what he is that his is a renter. Having gotten his GF pregnant does not matter. He is still a renter.

He see's all renters as being like him. Without that full committment there is nothing wrong with having a Fbuddy. He see's that wearing the label of a renter. That is why he approached you in such a manner.

People say do not judge a book buy it's cover but they do all the time.

You are wise to realize that you and your husband need to go NC with him on a professional and personal level.

I would expose him to friends and family that they can protect themselves from this predator.

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To guess why your husband stayed calm when he heard about the propostion to me sounds like a closet full of red flags.

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TheRoad -

We're legally married at this point and have been for several years. We are having a wedding next year with a marriage license since Amendment One makes even common law formed in another state questionable.

I'm having trouble telling him what I expect.

Thanks,
Steph


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
To guess why your husband stayed calm when he heard about the propostion to me sounds like a closet full of red flags.

What kind of red flags?

When we talked about it DH said it's my responsibility to not cheat, it doesn't matter what other people do. We talked a little bit this morning and will talk more this afternoon.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Our mechanic and somewhat of a friend asked me for no strings attached sex last night. It's really bothering me. DH's response is also bothersome.

DH says I should not be so upset over the situation, but I wonder what I'm missing that someone would feel okay to ask me this? And, I would expect DH to be pissed and tell the guy off.

I don't feel like DH is protecting me. How would the men here handle this?

I know you have posted here for a long time. I did not remember your story so I looked back and I did not remember if you were a WW or BW or what.

What I saw is that you and your husband were not married. That means you are in a renter relationship. The committment to buy has never been made by you and your "husband"/live in full time boy friend.

Your mechanic is also a renter. He has a full time live 'wife"/girl friend. He see's the world as it really is. That relationships are of two kinds. The renter and the buyer. A buyer is willing to make the full committment and marry. A renter is not.

This mechanic/renter see's himself for what he is that his is a renter. Having gotten his GF pregnant does not matter. He is still a renter.

He see's all renters as being like him. Without that full committment there is nothing wrong with having a Fbuddy. He see's that wearing the label of a renter. That is why he approached you in such a manner.

People say do not judge a book buy it's cover but they do all the time.

You are wise to realize that you and your husband need to go NC with him on a professional and personal level.

I would expose him to friends and family that they can protect themselves from this predator.

I have to agree with TheRoad.

This man is a friend of your husband. He asks you for sex, knowing you are a married woman, and your husband has no desire to even throttle the guy. I suspect this mechanic, being a man of loose morals obviously, does not think your husband would actually care about such a proposition. And perhaps he is correct? One wonders if this was discussed between these men before.

Did you get married because he wanted to, or because it was a "we get married or it's over" time deal? I see a man who has gotten married but still doesn't treat his wife like a wife, sorry.

How would my husband react? I asked, he would punch the man in the face.

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Quote
And perhaps he is correct? One wonders if this was discussed between these men before.

Did you get married because he wanted to, or because it was a "we get married or it's over" time deal? I see a man who has gotten married but still doesn't treat his wife like a wife, sorry.

How would my husband react? I asked, he would punch the man in the face.

My husband and I discussed having a wedding and we decided we wanted to. No ultimatums on either part.

DH thinks it's my job to not react and not his to get involved to tell the guy off. He has no trouble changing mechanics, but he doesn't want to confront the guy. He feels like what was said last night is all that needs to be said, we move our business, and go on. I'm giving it more attention than it deserves.



Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Originally Posted by TheRoad
To guess why your husband stayed calm when he heard about the propostion to me sounds like a closet full of red flags.

What kind of red flags?

When we talked about it DH said it's my responsibility to not cheat, it doesn't matter what other people do. We talked a little bit this morning and will talk more this afternoon.
One would expect your husband to have a much stronger protective reaction. The absence of this is a red flag. If someone were to offer a child candy to get in a car and the child resisted, would you expect the parent later on, upon being informed, to calmly say to the child "You know it is your responsibility not to take candy from strangers" and think that response is all the situation requires?


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I tell ya .. I would NOT be passive about this situation. I would have a few choice words at the very least if my wife was approached in this manner. Especially since I am no longer passive/agressive as i once was. Your mechanic would DEF be getting an ear full if I was your hubby and you would NOT be going back in his presence for any reason. I would be taking care of that .. once and for all. I would then tell other people I knew to keep their wives away from him.

I mean .. seriously .. what kind of man offers a married women no strings attached sex? How did he bring up the offer? Did he just blurt it out without being prompted in anyway? What kind of conversation was transpiring before he made the offer? Very disrespectful of this man... hes DEF no gentleman. With talk like that I would not put it past your mechanic to have already cheated on his GF. Geesh ...

Your hubby should stand up for you .. hes not being very protective. JMHO..

MNG

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The conversation prior was about what was wrong with the car, working too much, and then he said he needed to get laid, and that transpired.

I've never, ever, prompted this in any way that I'm aware of.

I don't understand the lack of protectiveness. It's bugging me, but I don't know how to explain it in a non neanderthal beat the crap out of the guy way.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
The conversation prior was about what was wrong with the car, working too much, and then he said he needed to get laid, and that transpired.

I've never, ever, prompted this in any way that I'm aware of.
I don't understand the lack of protectiveness. It's bugging me, but I don't know how to explain it in a non neanderthal beat the crap out of the guy way.
What would YOU like for your DH to do?

Also I would implement a boundary in place of being in the same car alone with the OS.


FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
What would YOU like for your DH to do?

Tell the guy it's unacceptable. Tell him why we're moving our business.

I want him to respond with more emotion to the situation. Not be so passive. Last night he was a little angry at the guy, but not really that upset over it.

When we talked this morning he offered to quit using him, so that was good, but he didn't seem to understand why I want the protective attitude. He doesn't seem to get the protect your own attitude. I really don't know how to explain it well.

Edited to add - I won't be in the car with OS people, other than close family (father, uncle, BIL, etc...).

Last edited by HopefulNC; 08/30/12 12:51 PM.

Me: 30
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Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
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Hopeful, I hope this can be a growth opportunity for you. You made a thoughtful request, he declined, now you're going for respectful persuasion. I don't think the best approach is "because this is what most married guys on MB think." I think you should tell him why it matters to you - that you like to feel like he has your back, that you would like him to see you as worthy of more respect than to be given unwanted offers like that. That part of how you see respect is that you not be given offers like this. Your DH's values may be different, and that doesn't make him bad or wrong. Hopefully you two can find a way to move forward that you both are enthusiastic about. But I think they talk about two kinds of resentments and the resentment that you have for having to set the guy straight yourself isn't as bad as the kind he would have if you "made" him do it when he doesn't want to. I remember in the article about Domestic Support that the person who feels more strongly should do the chore.

I was in a similar situation, my then-H didn't stick up for me, and it was good information for me to know about him, that he found that acceptable that someone would hit on me like that.


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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
What would YOU like for your DH to do?

Tell the guy it's unacceptable. Tell him why we're moving our business.

I want him to respond with more emotion to the situation. Not be so passive. Last night he was a little angry at the guy, but not really that upset over it.

When we talked this morning he offered to quit using him, so that was good, but he didn't seem to understand why I want the protective attitude. He doesn't seem to get the protect your own attitude. I really don't know how to explain it well.

Edited to add - I won't be in the car with OS people, other than close family (father, uncle, BIL, etc...).


Dr. Harley is big on writing things down if you have a tough time telling your spouse something.

So how about write it out? Post it here if you want feedback?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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