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my apologies, the reason i didn't start a new thread is because i thought since there was already a thread started on exposure, I would just ask here.. I will start a new one...
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Most of our family knows, once his wife knows, my wife will be terminated imediately, our only income. We both are looking for jobs, i have interviews over the next week, her job search just started. this just happened 8/23/12
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Most of our family knows, once his wife knows, my wife will be terminated imediately, our only income. We both are looking for jobs, i have interviews over the next week, her job search just started. this just happened 8/23/12 He can't terminate her for that. It would be illegal. Did he threaten to terminate her if she exposed the affair? And yes, I would start a new thread about your specific situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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my apologies, the reason i didn't start a new thread is because i thought since there was already a thread started on exposure, I would just ask here.. I will start a new one... It's ok. Just start your own thread so you don't thread jack moleosam's thread.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Would this exposure only hold true for those how have spouses that will not leave their affair partner? What if your spouse did, and it was over and done with. I am with you IF the spouse would not give up other person. I would do it then in a heart beat!
Key purposes of exposure are to held end an active affair, AND to help keep an apparently-ended affair from reigniting. (And Gamma has given you an excellent full list of reasons.) Having other people know about the affair serves the crucial purpose of adding a layer of accountability upon the wayward spouse, and makes it less likely that he/she will relapse into the affair. [And in those instances where the affair-partner was also married: aside from it being morally incomprehensible for a betrayed spouse & a wayward spouse to conceal the wayward spouse's affair from the affair-partner's spouse, the affair-partner's spouse also serves as the very best possible set of eyes on the affair-partner, which helps further lessen the odds of the affair's resumption.]
I'm not saying (and I don't believe Dr. Harley ever says) that exposure needs to be in the form of an indiscriminate, tell-everyone approach. One needn't walk up & down Broadway with a bullhorn or put a classified ad in the New York Times. However, it is vital to find some people whose esteem the affairee values and let those people in on the truth. In my case, my wife & I exposed my affair to friends, even after my wife was in on it & after I'd sworn it was over. It ended up being helpful for me to have certain close friends -- who had both my wife's & my best interests at heart -- aware or the affair. It was an extra check-&-balance to make sure I kept myself on the straight-&-narrow; and for my wife, it was important for her to have people to lean on in dealing with the emotional trauma I caused her. The more people who are in on the truth, the more sets of watchful eyes there are. And for wayward spouses who show any wavering on the question of ending the affair, even wider exposure is essential & not something to be negotiated.
The reasons people (usually wayward spouses) resist exposure are either (a) they're afraid they'll feel humiliated and/or (b) they fear some consequence to their employment situation as a result of exposure. Regarding (a), a wayward in his or her proper frame of mind should be much more concerned about the humiliation that would result from the failure of his/her marriage as a result of relapse into the affair or failure to properly recover from the affair. A wayward who promptly begins recalibrating his/her moral compass is inevitably going to feel humiliated anyway, but it's better to realize one deserves the humiliation as a consequence of one's actions, and then proceed with exposure in order to set the stage for moving on to recover & improve the marriage. Regarding (b), if the affair was with someone in the workplace, then the job needs to end anyway, or else the stress on the marriage, resulting from the proximity of the affair partners to one another, will likely cause the marriage to end, an outcome that has lifelong financial consequences just as does the loss of a job; so there's no point in holding back from exposure in that case. Better to proceed on the course that gives the better odds of saving the marriage.
On D-Day, as my wife once posted, I wasn't such a big fan of exposure. But almost 4 years later, I see things a bit more clearly in hindsight. Along the lines of what HerPapBear told you, exposure may very well have been crucial to saving my marriage & to keeping me from throwing my life away.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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You all make brilliant points. If the WS was totally willing to give up person/persons.. without a bat of an eye as in cheating for sex only cases, what reason would there be to expose? When you are able to verify this they have given it all up, and are so remorseful, I just don't see the need. In my case 2 girls were not married, and one was. One was for a total of 2 years 2 months though, one- a one night stand, and one 8 months. All same time frame! So in other words he had 3 women , 2 same time, plus me! He was a busy man-pig!
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points. If the WS was totally willing to give up person/persons.. without a bat of an eye as in cheating for sex only cases, what reason would there be to expose? The reason would to be help your husband. Keeping it a secret is harmful to him. Exposing it to everyone helps your husband see himself through the eyes of others and ruins the fantasy of his adultery. Also, the more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. And adultery is adultery whether it is "for sex only" [usually a lie] or an "emotional affair." They are all equally bad. Exposure is especially important for a serial cheater. It is the most loving thing you can do for him and the best thing for your marriage. BE LOUD AND PROUD!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lovers spouse should be informed. Granted, it's embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Moleosam,
cheating for sex only cases
Wow talk about worn out lies, try cheating because it's only an all consuming addiction.
This is not going to end because of your WHs promises, you need to take steps to kill this horrible behavior.
God Bless
Gamma
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If the WS was totally willing to give up person/persons.. without a bat of an eye as in cheating for sex only cases, what reason would there be to expose? You're talking about a case where the wayward is asking you to trust them: "I swear it's over! It was only about sex!" And you trust this foggy wayward, WHY? 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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You all make brilliant points. If the WS was totally willing to give up person/persons.. without a bat of an eye as in cheating for sex only cases, what reason would there be to expose? When you are able to verify this they have given it all up, and are so remorseful, I just don't see the need. In my case 2 girls were not married, and one was. One was for a total of 2 years 2 months though, one- a one night stand, and one 8 months. All same time frame! So in other words he had 3 women , 2 same time, plus me! He was a busy man-pig!
And verbally swearing off other women, after one has already proven one's self to be a serial adulterer, is not, by any standard of logic, any demonstration that one has actually given up cheating.
This is key to realize: Affairs are a form of addiction. The actual brain-chemistry impact is the same as with crack cocaine. No joke. Serious intervention is required to stop addictive behavior in such a way so that it will not resume. It's important that the addict be made to appreciate the personal cost & adverse consequences of feeding his/her addiction, so that 'feeding the addiction' will lose its appeal.
Moleosam, in such a case, let me ask you: Can you name one, single good reason NOT to expose his behavior?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Regarding your original question on Page 1,
Exposure of self destructive behaviors is NOT breaking marital trust or vows. When we are married we are to care for our spouses welfare.
Covering up destructive behaviors is called Enabling.
Exposing them is helping.
There are tv shows about group interventions, where someone will be exposed and everyone that loves them confronts them and tries to persuade them to get help. I encourage you to watch one of these shows.
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Well I did make him tell his brohter. But I have a feeling he did not go into the sick details, just that he had an affair for just sex. His brother supposely said to him, it happens more than you think , you are not unique. I almost thought it empowered him.
I did try to call his brother's wife next day, and she called her husband (WH brother), and asked if she should call me back. (I didn't leave a message), and he said to hold off, and called my hubby, and asked him to let him tell her about what his brother did before I told her????? Well I said never mind to my hubby, and let that go. I think I was calling her just to see what he said to his brother.
Why do you all think it would happen again? It all ended on a terrible note, and he has seen the light, and feels like he was in Hell, and danced with the devil.
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I would call the brother, his wife, and close family members and tell them about his multiple affairs and ask for their support in your marriage. If his parents are living I would certainly tell them. Your children should also be told. By telling them yourself, you ensure that they have the proper story and gain their support.
I would just do it and then tell your husband. He won't mind if he is truly repentant.
I am confused what you mean by "just for sex?" Your husband committed adultery numerous times. His affairs are no different from any other affair we see here other than the fact that he is serial cheater.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why do you all think it would happen again? It all ended on a terrible note, and he has seen the light, and feels like he was in Hell, and danced with the devil. If he has "seen the light" then he won't mind your exposing his affairs. He will welcome the extra support that comes from having family and friends holding him accountable. ' What radical changes has he made in his lifestyle to ensure he doens't have another affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He does not travel without me. We are meeting each others needs now. I have GPS on his car, email access, work , and home. Phone records, trade cell phones at random,etc. He will not drink without me. I think this is a big one, cause he said he had to always drink right before, as if to get the nerve up.?
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Sounds like you have a good plan there!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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