We have something we sold to my brother in law. He now lives out of town and will deposit the money for us. My husband is the one who spoke with him about everything. His brother told him he would deposit the money into their parents account.

My feeling on this is we are adults in our 30's and there is no need to get the parents involved. How it works is the brother would call his parents to tell them about deposit and then the parents will make a special trip to the bank and call us to pick up the money.

This is the third time that we have received money from a brother that has resulting in the money being sent to his parents account then given to us. The 2nd time it was $6,000 that I knew nothing about and just happened to be over the parents home. They told me they have to give me th $6000 that the brother gave. I knew nothing about this because the money we needed was far less.

My husband seems to think nothing is wrong with this. It seems everything has to go though their parents.

Am I thinking the wrong way about this, should I be compromising more on this? Nothing is ever a big deal to my husband. The first transaction from his brother, I also knew nothing about and the parents informed me they needed to get me the money. Each time I spoke with my husband about this. I just really do not want his parents involved in this way.

Have you tried POJAing with your H on it? It sounds like you aren't enthusiastic about it?

What's POJAing? Where can I find out what all the abbreviations are?

Here Acronyms and Abbreviations
POJA
Also Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Thank you. This will take some time to read and go through it with him. I am not sure if I sound like I am enthusiastic or not as to I have not read this.

He usually does not have a reason as to why he does something. He will be difficult just to do it. I am not sure if he recognizes it. I do not think it is healthy to bring others in on finances unless its necessary. These cases are not necessary.

I see that I have broken rule #2 because I have become upset because it is hard to negotiate anything with him. It is usually no reason he has other than "it does not matter, it is no big deal". It is more of a pleasing thing with his family. With him it is if they want to do it that way then it is fine. They just go along with everything the other does.

Until you become skilled at negotiating I wouldn't try it on this big of an issue.

Try it on small stuff like grocery shopping. Can you do that?

I will also say that I am upset that we had appliances from our home that we lost last year that were ours and they were to be stored a couple places. One at his brothers home and one in his fathers shed. DH was against getting storage so I felt I had no choice but to store at his relatives.

Because his brother had a "get together", he took out his stove and refrigerator and put in ours. I had no idea my husband said he could use it for the party. It has been months and he continues to use the appliances and have stored his own away. He also has things from our old house put up in his house. Rugs, mirrors and some other things. I go over to the house and see all of my things there. The smaller things we can use at where we live now. I mentioned the items while there his mother and brother just laughed about them.

Now that we need money, I suggested selling the appliances. So once my husband asked his brothther said he wants the stove and will pay for it.

I think I can do it on grocery shopping. I try and get what he likes and have even began to eat like he does just because it is easier. I also make sure I buy things the kids can eat and incoporate it.

If he complains I try and change things or explain why. I believe he is ok with the things I buy for groceries at this point. I will ask him to make sure once he gets home.

I had discussed the receiving money from his family before with him and he said he understood but I did understand that he can't feel exactly the way I feel about it. He told me the next time he would have them deposit money into our account which is at the same bank as the parents and the brother accounts. However, the next time it happened again now this third time. He is basically thinks I am crazy.

So the problem is them making you pick up the money in person?

That's super-easy to resolve: don't.

I am sorry to post so much but it has been just a whole history with my in-laws. I feel like I am going against a corporation when it comes down to things. Even things like feeding my baby who was under 1 years of age whatever they wanted while in their care.

Having no choice but to leave baby with mother in law after 6 weeks because he would not approve of me being home or someone else (there were pit bulls living inside the house). Them having say so over our wedding, what days to come to church (they went every night). Also getting counseling from parents who are pastors and they shot down everything I said and basically agreed with him. I just feel it has been a lot of things. I wish it could just feel like it is he and I but I often feel I am his sister and just apart of a new family.

Within all of this I have been working on not being such a passive, go along with everything kind of person. I have been like this in the past.

CWMI, I am sorry that is not the problem at all. I am not sure how you could misunderstand from my post. I am sorry if I did not explain properly.

The problem is me not knowing they know about it and a 3rd person giving me money. They should not be involved at all. They often tell our business to church members who look at me strange or give me the cold shoulder. There is a lot more involved in this. It is none of anyone's business but ours and the brother.

His parents do not like to drive, have to make a special trip to bank. Honestly, all his brother has to do is call the bank, give them our account number and transfer the funds, lol.

Here's a good show on POJA where Dr. H helps the couple. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on POJA
Segment #2
Segment #3

It may be strange but honestly I don't have a bad relationship with my in-laws. We don't argue and we are nice to each other. I often visit them, they love my babies. I even visit the church now that we no longer attend there and speak to the one's who talk behind my back and give me the cold shoulder.

I just think it will help if so many others weren't involved in what we are doing. Everyone knows everything, including the church members.

Ok Brian thanks. I am listening now.

Another thing that happened is with my son. My DH did not want a junior. I really wanted to name him after my husband but he said no. We were trying to come up with another name. We never did so I asked was it ok the name him after him but incoporate a 2nd middle name which was my uncle's name who had passed unexpectingly one day, while I was pregnant. DH said yes that was fine.

DH mom questioned me on it and stated everyone else had juniors and that people at church had asked was he going to be a junior. I said I was adding my uncle's name. She then said isn't his son name after him. Which my uncle does have a junior.

Some time after that my DH spoke to his family and wanted to change the name after my son was born. I went and paid the money and changed the name for him. Of course, everyone looked at me like I was the one who did not want to give him a junior.

Ask your husband to tell them the truth. If he won't? I don't know. Tell them yourself.

So far Brian I am on segment 2 and very interesting in the outcome. This is interesting. I just heard him say something to the affect that the wife shouldn't be settled in her mind on what she wants to do.

I would love if my husband and I could have a negotiation time with things. I want to know why he does things, why he believes we should do this or that. Most times he doesn't have an answer. It seems? If he would feel strongly and passionate about something then I feel that would be great because I would be feeling something from him. It is not ok to me that it is because he is being nonchalant, not giving much info and just upset with me just because I don't want others involved.

I often believe he is just being difficult. Like he just wants to disagree because I was not born into his family. If they say it he would agree but if I say it he doesn't.

Isn't it as simple as telling his brother to transfer it to our account since he and we have accounts at the same bank? I think he just does not want to question his family on anything.

Doesn't that make sense to give me my money and not a third person? I usually question him on common sense things. Maybe I am thinking of this the wrong way. On segment 3 now.

I see this couple has taken time to talk about his some but have not come up with a solution. I like the aspect of brainstorming. My husband just doesn't go that far. He will forget the next minute about an issue. It's just not that serious to him. He is not a communicator and is not going to give that much thought.

CWMI, he doesn't care about telling them the truth. I think he kind of likes being the good guy and me the bad guy. It is just not important to him to go back and tell them the truth.

His immediate family consists of 9 men and 1 woman. The woman is his mother who is less emotional than his father. They are all nonchalant about everything except sports even his mom. It is mostly a chauvinistic thing even the mom. They think most women have issues and are doing men the wrong way in life. They seem always to be on the man side of things when all things should be weighed out in any situation. I did not mean to stereotype in the above. I am just trying to state as is. I do see that being nonchalant about things can be a good attribute in some cases but just not everything.

Sorry, I am writing so much. I love to write and express through writing.

Brian I got to segment 3 is there more? It ended with them writing a list of what their needs are but no resolution. I actually would like to write things down. I want him to talk and write so I can understand what is going on with him. It would be a great thing.