I highly suggest you two get some of Dr>harleys books and read them together.
1. Surviving an affair
2. His needs her needs
3. (if your parents) His needs Her Needs for parents.
4. Love busters!
5. Fall in love stay in love

This way you can both read .. and discuss all the concepts and "discover" them together. My wife and I did this and it made great UA time to take turns reading the books we bought out loud. WE sure got a better understanding of what .. where and how we went wrong in our marriage after reading together. Thankfully no PA's (we unkonwingly had EA's instead as we didnt even know that EA's are just as damaging as a PA) in my marriage ... but it could have easily slipped down that path had we continued the way we were going.

If you two do the emotional needs questionairs (at the top of the page) ... and the love busters questionairs .. you will discover what makes you happy and mad alot quicker .. and it would give you a basis to start for working on things. Meeting your top needs consistantly should refill your love banks after a few consistant weeks of need meeting while your waiting for a few books to arrive. The books do a MUCH better job explaining things than the site does (the site is great mind you bu the books are better and a little easier to put into perspective points of view).

There is much work to be done here ... and YOU have the heavy lifting to do since you stepped out of your marriage to get your needs met because of your poor boundries around men that your not married to. ONce you get your hubby some just compensation for your actions .. and clean up your side of the street .. he may come out of his funk as you guide him back towards a happy and fulfilling marriage. Lead by example .. and show your work. (share your resources with him)

MNG

He had the funk before the affair. I had poor boundaries around one man not men.

Not to explain it but this person acted attracted to me in a way my husband never had. My husband tool on the attitude that I should pursue him. I was so stupid and wasn't thinking about keeping my boundaries but I realized that men lie and play games and I'm sure that person said certain things and was a womanizer. My husband is not looking for me to keep apologizing to him or anything but I am going to look into the compensation and do what I need to. I see the affair as one of the least problems but it's an urgent problem that needs to be dealt with now before everything else.

I do agree with doing those things to fill love bank. I do not agree that I have to do all the heavy lifting though. My needs were not met before the affair. We were married 9 years with no affairs. He had a porno addiction for the first 7 years though. I had to work through it because he would never really deal with it.

Let me change that, it's not the least because an affair is a huge deal! Trust is a huge issue in a relationship. My mind just remembers the way it's been between us for so long. Much of the time he just acts as if it's suppose to be this way. I think a spouse should be your best friend and share all but that has to be worked at.

I'm trying to start to get my wife and I to read His Needs, Her Needs together
As I feel That My wife and I are living as room mates in 10 years of marriage, not the passionate Marriage Dr. Harley is Advocating.

Because Men and woman have different needs we both are not to this point meeting each others needs as we did while dating so I'm suggesting to my wife this program. From My point of view I have to I want more affection in our marriage and my wife is perfectly content as it's been, she figures things progress downward in marriage rather than keep passion through out marriage.

Something I want to ask The Harley's is if Affection is Missing for Men and Woman Feel it's OK in the Marriage with no plan but to either deal with it by not receiving affection is there hope for our marriage ?
When We dated my wife was affection but w/o kids affection for me is needed but not freely given to me, the cat gets more attention than I do which troubles me but not my wife. I would say my Marriage is challenged because my wife doesn't see the need to work on our marriage as I want to but hopefully can ask her to try making our marriage even better than when we started.

Will Be Keeping You and Your Marriage in Prayer !
Wish You All the Very Best !
Michael

Welcome MichaelinBoston to MB,

If you'd like you can start your own thread and you will get wonderful advice and you can have a romantic marriage like Dr. Harley advocates.

It's been a little while since I've come back to this site and I was reading over some of the my posts and responses. I am not sure if I was clear in saying that my husband acted this way our entire marriage. Much of the time I feel unwanted by him. This was 9 years before the affair.

He is there physically but we have no intimacy. He is a real macho type guy. I mostly feel like he is maybe 80 years old. He's tired all the time and falls asleep frequently. He does work hvery hard on his job though.

I haven't had any friendships with other men except the one affair. I had men friends before I met him my husband. Last year after he ignored me for 2 months with no sex or affection, sat apart from me in church and turned his back in bed every night is when I ended up cheating. The person I cheated with is a none factor and I don't have any desire to talk to him or cheat ever again because it was a stupid thing to do. It has been over a year since I have bad anything with that person. I told about the affair because I wanted to be totally honest about our situation. My husband has been withdrawn years before the affair. He actually may be a tiny bit more attentive since the affair.

Before the affair, I would try to talk to my husband about him not communicating and feeling lonely and he did not seem to get it. I would ask him if he wanted to be married or did he think we should go our separate ways because we didn't really have a relationship and he would say yes. Again this is before the affair.

In my mind I was thinking we were going to split but I was not financially stable enough to move. I also wanted both parents to still be in the household with our children. We ended up staying together, we just kind of settled back into our normal lives together with the same issues as before the affair.

Now that I said the above, I am 5 months pregnant, we need a bigger place for the new baby. I stay at home now with our 2 children because we now can not afford daycare. We need more money desperately. He complains about me staying home and has the entire time I have been home. Should I go out now and try to find a Job? He says it's his money but I do all of our finances. I try to get him involved but he forgets or is just plain old checked out but still complains about me buying much needed things for the kids. I also will need another car because 3 children will not fit into mine plus I keep having problems with my car.

I have all these things in mind and he's just kind of checked out. He has been playing video games more frequently and seems to want to be alone.

My husband is a truck driver and can make double what he makes now but is not very ambitious and never has been. We lost our home last year also. He is very slow to move and much of the time I feel like I'm scrambling trying to prepare for things to come while he is just on a different page.

What is your husband's reaction to your complaints?

How would you feel about doing in-home infant care? I know a lady who paid off her home in a couple of years with a newborn and two other kids doing this.

I could be wrong but it sounds like you haven't started with the basics like the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.

I suggest telling him that you love him, you know he loves you, and you know that you both have hurt eachother. But that you feel like you're two people living next to eachother, and you want to restore the "in-love" feeling you had before.

It sounds like he's in withdrawal so you're going to have to go to work on meeting his EN's and initiating the MB program, even though you don't feel it's fair. After a while he'll start to respond--especially since now he'll know what your needs are. If he's resistant to the program, tell him you want to learn how to meet his needs.

Here's where I would start:
1. EN Questionnaire
2. 20 Hours Undivided Attention
3. Focus on intimate needs: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship (men's most important usually), and conversation and affection (women's most important usually).
4. It sounds like financial support is a big need of yours, so try to wait on this until you do the other 3. The last thing he needs is for you to ruin the progress you've made by arguing about money. You need to POJA on financial decisions. I would recommend AGAINST you working now because it sounds like you want to do it in order to be independent to eventually leave him. But, if money is that tight consider babysitting in-home.

Did you order the books you were recommended to read

You need to read His Needs Her Needs by Bill Harley.

You seem to start several threads complaining about your husband, repeating the same thing over and over.

What advice have you followed?

Here's a good read.
Complain about your spouse TO your spouse

Went to order books and figured out no money to get them. We have other issues as well. It feels good to vent sometimes. I don't vent to friends only on a board but not frequently. I have told my husband everything I have stated here. He knows everything. People change whenever they get ready too. It's hard in the process whether he or I. I work to be a better person, wife and mother everyday. I'm a good person and I seek help and take heed. Better to get it out than to keep it bottled inside.

I have 2 small one's and one on the way. I get little adult interaction as to I am a stat at home mom right now. I have not said anything mean to anyone on this board and don't plan on it. I feel a lack of compassion here. I think it is ok to vent if I feel like I am drowning with no one to talk to. I am willing to change and take heed to good instruction. Thanks for your help so far

I only have 3 threads. One asking for prayer and 2 others about 2 different topics. Thank you. I'll take what I need and find another site or just continue telling but to God only. God Bless.