You have 3 children sir. How would you feel if you found out your daughters or son lived in a miserable marriage because they believed that the betrayed spouse should be a martyr?

One wonderful thing I learned from Marriage Builders (the general principles and not affair-specific) is that one can save and recover a marriage WITHOUT being a martyr, and that taking the martyr stance does much more harm than good.

In a sense, being "the martyr" is actually a very selfish position. It means, because someone is unwilling to face a reality of divorce if the "wrong" spouse refuses to change (this of course applies to adultery, alcoholism, whatever). It means, because the martyr does not want to take true action to stand up for the family, that the family then suffers in an unhappy household AND gives these "tools" for their child to use - or endure- in their own future relationships.

Sir - you need to go "fast and furious" with your unrepentant WW.
Expos� the affair to your children, family, friends and Facebook.
Force her to face her actions and her character.

Stop pussyfooting around her. It's caused her to lose respect for you.
Exposure will regain some respect as long as you do it proudly (and don't EVER apologize for it!!). No women loves a man she can't respect.

Go at this hard and fast. Do not tip your hand.

Thank you for being honest now. I don't appreciate your attempt to deceive the board when you realised that the information would not go down well here. It is not right for you to lie to the board in order to get help.

What made you remove it from your signature? Did you read a thread or two while the board was quiet and realise that this would not be approved of?

I agree with divorce.
Divorce is a natural consequence that your wife woul face for her actions.

As for the kids, it would be a learning experience: If we are unfaithful and commit adultery the consequence is divorce.

To do nothing does not help anyone.
I would encourage you to examine why you feel so desperate to me a martyr for your wayward wife ?

If she starts using drugs do you also cover it up for "the good of the kids?"

If my calculations are correct, a married 27 year-old woman took up with an 18 year-old boy. She later married you, when you were 24 and she was 33.

Where were your parents in all this, just out of curiosity?

Does she have any other kids?

Was she unfaithful with anyone else during her first marriage?

Please read.
What you will get if you marry your affair partner

Maybe you can add some lessons that you've learned to this thread? Thanks.

I guess I do have a lot to think about, and some serious steps to take next. I've seen a lot of good information here in a relatively short amount of time, and while it's not easy to take, it does make sense.

BrainHurts, I read that thread (and that's why I changed my signature), and yeah, I do have a lot of lessons learned. If I can step back into my mindest back when this started, I think it's pretty safe to say I didn't expect this to be anything long term. But when it lasted as a long distance relationship for over a year, and she got her own place and moved me in, I probably thought that it was something 'special.' While I'm sure I had heard that relationships that start with affairs don't end well, can't say I ever took that view seriously. Young and foolish? Probably. I mean, I was making these decisions when I wasn't even old enough yet to take a drink. Not trying to make excuses for past bad behavior here, just kind of stating what was likely my mindset.

My parents? I don't think I've ever had a word of relationship advice from my father. It just is that way. Mom, she freaked out, but I was at a point where I was rebelling against her severely...I had just suffered four years of racist high school hell so she could say her son went to a prestigious high school...hmm...there's that martyr bit again. Maybe I finally am learning something.

Was she unfaithful during her 1st marriage besides me? She told me she had an opportunity with a past lover who approached her, but she declined. I believe their past was that they carried on an affair when he was engaged but she was not engaged or married. Beyond that, she did admit to a one night stand about a year into her marriage, given the nature of it (all girls), I don't think I registered it until today as 'cheating.'

She has an older daughter, 24 now I guess. Estranged from both of us, can't say any party deserves more blame than any other, but in reading and thinking today, I'm sure her relationship with her mother was tainted by the affair that we had together.

HDW, why do I feel so desperate to be a martry for my WW? That's a good question, and one that's had me thinking alot this last week. Fear, I guess. Fear of change, fear of being alone with my kids and not having anyone there with me. It's like I'd rather have someone who is rotten to me next to me than no one at all. Not a great basis for feeling 'love' for someone, but it's all I can tell you right now.

I am sure my WxH's parents felt the same way, while his wayward mother conducted a long-term affair and her H sat back and enabled her and didn't rock the boat. No one spoke of it and it was swept under the rug.

Two of the four children have failed marriages due to infidelity and are chronic liars. A third had an EA but is still married. They are all conflict avoiders.

So keep in mind that while you are providing "stability", your children are being influenced by your WW's waywardism and are learning lessons by your enabling of it...

So she was the affair partner in someone else's marriage, she had a same-sex ONS in her first marriage, she had a long-term EA with this high-school sweetheart in your marriage and she was having another affair when she rekindled this one with the high-school boyfriend.

Sigh.

AND...this is the only woman he's ever had a real relationship with.


Divorce her and date 30 women (after the divorce is final) and I guarantee you it gets 100 times better than what you've had these last 16 years.

It can't get worse and you aren't going to change her (especially if you play it soft at all). It's who she is. The more pertinent question is...is this who YOU are?

Where's her ex-husband?...you owe him a big apology.

Mr. W

Sometimes we can become so sick that our sense of "normal" is insane to outsiders.

I think this may be a blessing in disguise.
You have moral authority to divorce her and start over. And you are young enough to have a GREAT time dating others.

There are people here that are senior citizens, dealing with affairs. Do you want to be one of them in the future?

I think you have only scratched the surface of you wife's sex life.

It's like I'd rather have someone who is rotten to me next to me than no one at all. Not a great basis for feeling 'love' for someone,

I give you credit for being able to assess your situation. Now, can you carry on and override those pathological needs for "continuity" even in an adultery-riven marriage, and drive this to a conclusion?


Right now, all we're getting from you is "Woe is me!" not, "I'm going to blow this fantasy up at whatever cost!"