You should both fill out the questionnaires, absolutely! Have you not done this basic first thing yet? He can't fix anything if you don't explicitly state what the problem is. Print out the Emotional Needs and Love Buster questionnaires and do them.

Why would you move into a potential Plan B situation without making the problems clear and executing a plan A?

I was told by Dr H on the radio show to move on but I dont know if I am ready. i don want to go but I dont want to stay. im in a catch 22. we live in a loveless lifeless marriage that he is unfortunately ok with living in. I cant remember the last time I had fun or laughed or smiled or was happy. he says he will change but hasnt. im so heartbroken and sad and cant even think straight about what to do. i know what i need to do but am just frozen in this sadness I am in i dont know how to change or get out.

It sounds like you're in the state of conflict.

What are the challenges you're having with going to Plan B? Can you start with the preparations and concentrate on that?

It works best when you have a plan and then make a plan then follow that plan.

i think the biggest of my fears and challenges have to do with taking the kids away from their dad and they not understanding. they are just 4 and 7. and just the logistics of it all are just overwhelming. and its not like he beats us or is cheating on me or doesnt help with the kids and stuff like that. there is no love between us and we live like roommates and just go thru motions of work taking care of the kids eating and sleeping then repeat. he doesnt understand why i am so sad over our marriage or why I want to leave. he just doesnt get it. I see other strong confident accomplished men around me and dream of me being with them. i live in this dream world that never happens and never will unless I leave in my mind. but actually going thru with it seems so overwhelming it paralyzes me to just stay and bear my burden and sadness. i tell myself to think about making a plan each day but I fail. i sometimes wish i could just never wake up to get away from it all. sorry for being such a downer but this is what is going on inside me that i battle every day.

Do you think you could sell him on MB? Do the online program? Or MB coaching?

Did Dr. Harley know you have not tried MB yet? That you hadn't even filled out the questionnaires and shared them? I don't have time to listen to your show right now, and I don't remember if you mentioned that. I doubt it.

On another note, stop comparing your H to other men. These OM have not had to live in a marriage with you or raise your children. It's fantasy. Knock it off. How terribly disrespectful to your husband.

Do you know anything about MB? Read a book? Read the basic concepts? Presented them to your husband?

my husband and i bothread marriage busters and are currently reading hnhn so i am familiar with it. and if you go to the first thread of this post you will see i did mention the show and there is a clip of it. what did you mean by "i doubt it"?
i have asked my h to come to this website and forum and to ask you all what to do but he wont. we have been in marriage counseling for months and have been many times in the past. our counselor recommended love busters to us and we use the book in counseling. i know about the progem. when i bring up the concepts and what we need to do he doesnt do it. i cant do everything in our marriage. doesnt he have any resposibilities?

Can you afford MB coaching? They are very good at getting reluctant spouses on board.

what lovebusters is he committing that he refuses to stop?

What I meant by "I doubt it" was that you told Dr. Harley that you had not yet worked the basics of the program.

will your H fill out the questionnaires? If your print them out and bring them to him and say, "Will you fill these out for me, please? I really need you to," what does he reply?

I relistened to your clip. What struck me was when you wrote that you wanted your husband to listen to their response, but 'he would be furious that you even wrote them.'

Did you ever tell him you wrote them? Did you play the clip for him? You can make it easier on yourself in the 'confrontation' and make it easier on him to afford time to process and respond rationally by EMAILING him the clip.

You haven't been open and honest with him, have you?

Have you dumped the non-helping counselor yet? Tossing a book at a guy and expecting him to get it is not the way to inspire change! It won't work! While the books are great, they are only a starting point. Ugh, my own H read Lovebusters and was all 'meh, maybe I do some of that, but so what? Everybody does.' NOT HELPFUL. lol.

You say your husband doesn't 'get it.' Of course he doesn't, because you haven't told him! Fill out those questionnaires and share them before you blow up your family.

The Harleys also advised to get out of the house. Together. Like on fun dates. Have you done that? Why have you focused on separation from that radio clip instead of the motivating factors that Dr. Harley suggested? Did you turn it off after the separation statement and miss it?

with the lovebuster he doesnt know he even does them. he keeps doing dj and ao and dishonesy and others. i tried talking to him about what my ens are and what lovebusters happened but he wont listen and is so passive agressive that he will just say he should go kill himself and i would be happier if he was dead. this is what i deal with and its so hard. ive ased him to come here and he wont. i brouht out the questionaire for ens tonite and he was not receptive to them and we never even looked at he 1st one. so the reason i am looking at just ending it all and leaving is because ive tried to do so much and he wont change. ive asked for ens for so many years and have been rejected and unloved for so long i am so deeply hurt and he just doesnt see it and wont change. i am beyond emotions but am numb. i dont know how to get beyond this besides leaving. i dont know if anyone understands or has been where i am but its horrible to be here in this situation. im up against a wall. how can things change when i look at him and there is such anger and sadness and shame and hate for whats hapened. i cant possibly see me loving him again. we have been one one date in 4 months. he refuses to make arrangements cause he is scared to call a babysitter. we have no family here and no friends to ask. he wont step up and ive stepped down as i am burned out as being the "man" of the house and the family. he says he will do whatever it takes to win me back but sofar its been months and nothing has changed. so thats where we are.

Can you afford MB coaching? They are really good with giving you a plan and getting reluctant spouses on board. They're different then counseling because they give you a plan.

Here's a good read.
Complain about your spouse TO your spouse

BH I read thru the link you posted. were you thunking I or my H is the conflict avoider? I am an acoa as an aside so it was and interesting read. my parents would actually have horrible fights. neither my h or I drink but we are repeating what I saw in my parent failed marriage. they divorced after almost 35 years and 5 children later. I was the youngest at that time at age 10 and all my other siblings were out of the house and married with kids or in college. is all this my fault you think? am I really the problem and everything is fine like my H thinks? i am so confused.

also we might be able to afford the mb counseling now that I am back to work. i will check into it but it will be hard convincing my H to do it as he has issues with money. he has no problem spending it on things for him like tv or food or car or house stuff bu when it comes to spending money for kids needs or doctors or counseling for us then he doesnt want to. i will try tho. any suggestions on what and how i should bring it up or say to him?

oh and another thing i asked him what would you think if I said one of my most important en is rc and those were exercising together and going to church and doing a class together. he said he wont go exercise with me because he doesnt want people to see him and as for the church he said something about he wont spend 6 hrs at church. he is so passive agresive i just cant talk to him cause he says crazy stuff like that and makes me so mad. i rarely go to church and when i do its maybe and hour or two if i go to a class too! i dont understand his irrational responses or how to address them without getting upset. i just avoid talking to him at all cause im so sick of it!

Of course your parents D is NOT your fault. You can only control you. If you feel a certain way it's the way you feel and it's your responsible for telling your H.

Now if you are telling him is full of love busters you can stop that.

Tell me which way you and your DH deal with issues.
How To Negotiate When No One Wants to Raise the Issue OR
How to Negotiate When You're an Emotional Person

What are his top ENs?

What love busters do you commit?

sorry i meant when I said is it all my fault i was referring to my marriage not my parents.

Regarding exercise together and church, if he doesn't want to go that is OKAY.

The policy of joint agreement says we don't do things without ENTHUSIASTIC agreement.

Find things to do that you would each ENJOY.