He says he has no EN's. I still need to try and get him to do the EN questionaire. We tried discussing this at our counseling sessions several times and none of the typical top 5 are on his list except for admiration. I dont understand it.

My lb are probably AO and DJ and probably all of them to tell the truth.

I am to the point of avoiding almost all contact and conversations with him because it is just so difficult, so I know im not helping our situation any.

I think I usually try to start out in a civil and calm manner when trying to discuss issues with my H but we usually end up yelling in the end because of one thing or another.

I do think the letter writing method is probably a good idea for us because it gives us both time to think what we want to say in a way that kind and allows for us to think before we speak.

My H never brings up issues, he is an avoider or basically just unaware, I dont know. so he always gets mad and angry when I bring up issues. So we never have conversations where anythig gets resolved. It just stays the same. :-(

Oh and to top things off today I noticed he had looked at porn this evening when I was out with my oldest son doing some errands when he was supposed to be watching the youngest son. That really upsets me but how do I bring it up to him that I spied on him and found it? I know Im avoiding! Its not the first time ive seen that he's been to porn sites on his computer when I am away or late at night after Ive gone to bed. Guess the letter is a good start huh? He says the PA is not one of his EN and has never been able to meet my sex drive, its been an issue of mine for as long as I remember. I basically have to take care of myself as he cant meet my need for PA. Tell me what man doesnt want sex?! I dont understand it.

Also read this. Conflict Avoidance is the kiss of death

Well the porn can explain his lack of sex drive.
Read this. Aunt Pep's Sex Talk

So are you deciding to stay and work on the M or separate and go to Plan B?

like i said before i am in such a state of conflict because of the kids and utter overwhelmingness of it all i dont know. i would like to stay and work on it but i cant do it alone if hes not on board. i dont want to fail like my parents. all my brothers and sister somehow have managed happy and loving marriages with my oldest brother just celebrating 30 yrs. weve been married 13 year with half of that at least being unhappy and unloving. i feel like so much of my life was wasted that I just want to find somehing happy for once. everyone talks about affairs and how easily they can happen and here i am probably As vulnerable to it as anyone could be but i cant find anyone to do it with! so i might as well stay right?

well he has never had a sex drive to match mine. even in the early years. i was the one 95% of the time initiating sex. but maybe porn took over after time. i need more than him and maybe he felt he couldnt satisfy me so he quit and went to porn instead cause it was easier. he does have problems with endurance, pe and sometimes ed. we really dont have sex anymore but since we had kids this has happened. thats been 7 years almost 8 now. :-(

First wanted to state this is major LB'ing here. Good that you stated RC is a high need for you. EN's though need to be met in ways that both of you are enthusiastic about. Otherwise he would just be sacrificing to make you happy and he would be unhappy. If this is a need for you then you find ways to meet it that make you both happy.

His reasons are valid as they are how he feels and that is okay. I'm not sure how this is passive agressive, but you saying his feelings are "crazy" is a disrespectful judgement.

Reading through your threads it seems to me that your first step to bring your husband on board is to show him how worthwhile the plan is. By cleaning up your own side of the street. We can only control ourselves.

I know it may seem crazy and your taker is in full swing right now, but it works. You change and you'll see your husband change and your marriage improve too. Yes, eventually both of you will need to be on board, but you can start the ball rolling. You change your actions and reactions and his will change, too. Waiting for him to change first while continuing to disrespect him is not helping, but just further damaging. That hasn't worked for you and won't work for you.

i was afraid os someone telling me that... that i need to change FIRST before HE needs to change. I always change but he doesnt. I am at my whits end and am no longer in love with him bu. he says he still loves me. So ive told him and weve talked this in counseling that if he want to keep me and wants me to love him again HE needs to step up and change for once to save our marriage. isnt that legitimate?

Also i see talk on these forums all the time of men whose top ENs are PA and attractiveness. and then I read about the wives who arent interested and advised to give in anyway because its their H top EN. also with attractivness. so it those things were my top EN why is it ok for my H to not have to ablige? maybe I am not understanding how this all works? isnt there other women who have this same situation? I am writing this in regards to it being ok with him not wantin to exercise with me and the porn issue.

Has your husband agreed to help heal your marriage? The last time you posted, you were advised to tell him to move out. Have you done so? Or have you fallen into the destructive marital habit of threatening and not meaning it?

The problem is he's not interested in meeting your needs. So he doesn't care if you find him attractive or stops watching porn.

You are right. I havenot told him to move out but I have told him I will move out if things dont change. He said he doesnt want me to move out and will do whatever he needs to do to make me stay. he wants me to stay. I am so torn between staying and leaving. I need to make a plan like you have advised. Its so hard with such little kids who wouldnt understand. that is the main reason I havent left yet. I keep hoping for a change but dont see it. It is too hard. Did you have to leave for things to change?

How do I verify this for sure that he doesnt care or is interested? I guess if I do something more drastic like leave like I was advised?

Yes.
If the spouse is addicted to porn or if the spouse refuses to meet your needs you may need to separate.

Regarding The porn use, he is having sexual fulfillment outside of the marriage (masturbation).
A MB principle is sexual exclusivity - meetin sexual fulfillment within the marriage. Porn and masturbation would need to end

I understand it is difficult to separate with young kids.
But you have 2 choices; stay married and just get used to it (which will lead to affairs) or separate and make demands

thank you for staying with me on this thread and all my decisiveness. i appreciate all the help and comments. I have nobody else to talk to about this.

so from my side ofthings as the wife if I keep asking him for PA and he denies me or he isnt receptive to my suggestions I am left to fend for myself as well then I get into the issue of Self PA a catch 22 isnt it? if he is unwilling to meet mu PA need is that enough to separate? I cant live on his once a month PA needs much longer. I know it seems selfish but how do otheres deal with his issue when the H doesnt was PA other than a quickie once a month? Even if no porn was involved im sure it would still be this way.

This issue has been brought up on the radio show.
As I recall Dr Harley recommended the husband visit his family doctor to test hormone levels. He said this is a common issue.

If your husband refuses then you should separate

On a personal matter I can relate. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Had sex between 5 and 20 times a year. That was before I learned about MB. I compensated by becoming a work aholic and exercise fanatic.

Today I am divorced with no sex LOL but much better prepared for any future relationship using MB principles.

Dont give up. You are addressing this correctly.

BH can post you links to the radio shows where Dr Harley discussed similar situations as yours. It is your responsibility to FOLLOW his recommendations

Here's a clip on the man having no EN.
Radio clip on A Man Saying he doesn't Have Any Need EN

Also this.
Segment #2