Hi<P>Some of you will probably know my story since I have posted on here a few times looking for advice etc. Briefly, my H had affair with a friend of ours which lasted just over a year. I found out almost 11 months ago and basically was in plan A without knowing it and then found this site around April this year (affair started around June last year). I did Plan A for as long as I could (H moved out at New Year for 4 days) and then asked my Husband to leave, which he did on 15 July. He was gone for a month and then came home last week for good. I want to say that I didn't do anything special to make him come home, I just waited and loved him. Things will be hard but we both know we will make it through together. One of the things I did do, however, was not go fully into Plan B. I did have some contact with him via email and phone and saw him 3 times with my son. I did think that if we cut off completely then yes, he would miss me, but I didn't want him to come back just because he missed me. All the way through these things it seems that whoever they are with at the time then they miss the other person so I needed to know that he really wanted me not just because he missed me. I had flown to Colorado to visit friends for a week with our kids and he flew down two days later to join us after calling me to tell me it was over with OW. He is prepared to write a letter to her and to make our marriage work and I fully believe him. We have made a promise to each other to always be 100% honest throughout our marriage and he has promised me to let me know if she contacts him in any way. We both feel like we are getting a second chance at life and I see a difference in him that I have never seen all the other times he ended it with her.<P>I wanted to say to all of you out there who are in the situation I was, not to give up. Some days are really hard and some days you just can't see any hope. I was there many times. My Husband was very deeply emotionally involved and he made it back, so anyone can. I have been on the rollercoaster ride now for around 11 months and I know it will not be plain sailing from now on, but with honesty, trust and God's help we know we can make it. I want to say thank you, thank you, to the many people out there who have given me invaluable advice on many occasions. I don't know how I would have made it through without this site and the encouragement of people on here. My Husband used to read on here as well and he says a lot of people on here made a lot of sense and he did listen to what people said. So even if you think you aren't helping anyone, you just never know who is lurking and paying heed to everything you say. Thank you again to you all and I pray that everyone will find the peace that I have found. You never know, I might get my Husband to post on here sometime and help give a view from the other side. My prayers and thanks are with you all.<P>If you read this Sweetheart - I love you!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Very Sad (edited August 19, 1999).]

VS-<P>Huge hugs to both you and your H! Stay the course and do not get your expectations too high to fast, but I am so happy to hear this terrific news from you!<P>You go Girl!<P>Starpony

Hi Starpony<P>Good to hear from you. No, my expectations are not too high I do remember your experience very well, but I feel like he is making all the right moves this time. He moved back and he did tell me he would never move back until he was 100% sure since he couldn't do this to the kids and I again and knowing the type of person he is, I know he wouldn't do it to us again. He is a very kind and sincere person and that was half the battle with this whole thing in that he didn't want to hurt her, which I do understand. We WILL make it because I know he wants to just as much as I do. We have talked more in the last 3 weeks than in our whole marriage I think. It is so nice to talk and open up to each other and tell him exactly what I feel and him tell me. The only problem I am having is that a part of me wants to know all the details of the affair, but part of me doesn't. I am trying to go with the part of me that doesn't want to know since I really don't think knowing all the details is going to enhance our marriage. It is feeling that he has all these secrets from me I guess that make me want to know, so I am trying to work through that right now and he is very understanding about it and will tell me what I want to know if I ask but I am trying not to ask and just concentrate on our marriage and our life together. The one thing I did do when he left was take a good look at my life. I realised I was not fulfilled in my life and I was a very dependent person. I enrolled for college and started working on my independence and my own happiness. My Husband told me he was very proud of me for doing this and I feel proud of myself. I feel, for the first time in my life, that I am a worthwile person and I don't NEED my Husband, I CHOOSE to spend my life with him and that makes a huge difference. We CHOOSE each other and that makes for a great partnership instead of feeling you can't get by without each other.<P>Anyway, enough of my ramblings, how are you doing? I feel for you but I know you can make happiness happen from inside. Have you heard from your Husband at all or are you in a complete Plan B? My prayers and thoughts are with you. Even my Husband has talked of your situation to me and he felt for you too. Hang in there, things will get better. Take care of yourself.<BR>

I'm happy for you. Keep in touch. I always want to know how people manage this next stage you have ahead of you. My H is home as well and I think maybe this time...

Very Sad,<P>Your post gives me hope. My H is moving out again.<P>Did he say how he knew that home was where he wanted to be? Did living away make him see that the grass is not greener on the other side?<P>I pray that my husband will come to his senses during this move and realize that we are what he needs in his life.

Thank You Very Sad, You have given me some hope. <P>Jill

Hi Hoping. All my Husband did say was that he realised things weren't any different. Perhaps a different person but it wasn't any better. I think moving out let him spend more time with her and he realised that the grass wasn't any greener just different and he really didn't want to be a part-time father. He never did stop telling me he loved me and when he moved out he started falling in love with me again and realised the feelings were still there but that they had just been hidden for a while. I wish you the best and hope things turn out as well for you as they did for me. About 6 months ago I would never have believed I would be on here with a success story. Sometimes some days were so bleak and so full of despodency, but I never gave up because I believed in my Husband and I believed in our marriage and I know now we can have a much better marriage than ever before. We have both changed over this and we are more open and honest with each other than in the first 14 years of marriage. My love and prayers go out to you.<BR>

Very Sad,<P>Thank you for your response. You made my day. I keep telling my husband that those feelings are there, they are just buried under alot of guilt and confusion. <P>He seems to think this move will help him fall in love with me again. He still says he loves me and wants to be married. I know he will not be happy hurting his children and me but if this is what he has to do to regain those feelings I guess I've got to let him go. We've known each other for 20 years, been married for 13 and lived together for 17 years. I really don't want to throw all this away and I want my children to grow up in a two parent family. They need both of us full time. How old are your children. How did they handle it.

Hi Hoping<P>I would certainly keep on hoping and praying if I were you. My Husband also told me all throughout the affair that he still loved me and he was very confused most of the time. He tried to break it off with her 3 times previously and I really do believe this is the final one. My children are 8 and 10 and they did not handle it at all well. When my Husband moved out at New Year they were very emotional and almost hysterical. When he moved out this last time, they dealt with it better but after he had gone they refused to see him or talk to him. I struggled with that because I really did think it was in their best interest to see him. My son (8) eventually did agree to see him but only if I went with him, which I did. My daughter was very very hurt and very angry. I do think it was good for me to see my Husband on the 3 occasions I did (over 4 weeks) because I didn't want him to come home just because he missed seeing me, I wanted him to come home because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, which is what he said he wants now. I did not see him every day though although I did send emails expressing my love and also telling him of our day to day activities with the kids.<P>My Husband had been sitting on the fence for 10 months before he made this final decision and had moved out for one month, so it was a long process but things worked out in the end. The process is not over by any means now as we are now dealing with withdrawal and depression to a certain extent. It is hard for both of us, but we have promised each other complete honesty regarding everything and we know we will make it. One of the things I have been finding the hardest is to not ask questions re affair. I decided yesterday that if I thought it would enhance our marriage in any way then I would ask, if I thought it would harm our marriage and our relationship then I would not ask since it would not really do any good to anyone. I will get over these feelings of having to know and I just need to concentrate on building up our marriage. It is a hard time, as you well know, but with determination and unknown strength, you and everyone else on here will make it somehow. My thoughts are with you.<BR>

Very Sad,<P>Thank you for your replies.<P>My children are 9 and 6. When my H moved out for two weeks my boys were hysterical also. Cried and asked for him all the time. I think thats why he came home. He did see them. He's very involved with them. He coaches their teams, plays with them so he was here every couple days.<P>My H also told me that over the years that he was having the affair that he broke it off with her several times. I do belive that once I found out about it that it truly did end. Although I didn't truly believe until recently. It didn't end just because I found out but there were other circumstances in the whole mess.<P>All I can do now is hope. He's determined he's going to do this. I have to let him do what he thinks is best. I can't change his mind. I just wish it wasn't at the expense of mine and my chidrens pain.